Writing is my release. It is the way that I work through what’s raging in my head, in my life in a way that is productive instead of falling prey to self-destruction.
It is something I do for ME. It is the way that I get my story out to the world in an understandable way when the spoken word fails me.
Right now…storms are raging on every side of me. Normally I’d look to some wine, or food, or a dozen other things to numb the anxiety, the angst, the million other emotions that I’m experiencing.
But…with all of the work I’ve done this year, I know that is is not healthy or productive.
Instead of feeling like a victim, which *was* a default for much of my life, I’m taking a step back and figuring out how I invited this chaos, this season in my life.
What is it in me that feels like I deserve to be treated the way I’m allowing myself to be treated? Because now I know that it is my choice.
What is it in me that won’t step up to be a leader? Because that’s my choice.
What is it in me that doesn’t think I’m worth the level of income that I desire? Because I’m choosing to play small.
You see, there is an immense amount of power in personal responsibility.
It is time to practice what I preach. You see, I can’t teach people if I’m not willing to do what needs to be done in my own life.
People are watching you, even if they don’t comment or “like” what they see. People have been watching me start and stop like a broken down VW Beetle for a long time.
A friend told me recently that I’m going to get really hurt. The truth is the season of wallowing in hurt has passed. I spent nearly 43 years there. What a depressing party that was.
Every single thing meant to hold me back is now a stepping stone I’m going to use to build a staircase to the platform I’ve always been meant to take. That is my superpower.
Learn, learn, learn. No matter their plan, this person has knowledge they want to bestow upon you to make themselves feel valuable, to feed into their own ego. Take the knowledge they are giving. Eat the meat and spit out the bones. But for goodness sake, don’t throw out the baby with the bath water. Learning is a lifelong process. Learn the lesson. Absorb the information.
Do not become hardened. This one is a difficult lesson. Probably the most difficult. When you’re hurt by someone you trust, it’s a gut punch. It is natural to recoil, to not allow others in. But…if you learned from the person’s bad behavior, and you are honest with yourself about ignoring signs that trouble was ahead, then you’re in a position of power…and you needn’t be afraid.
Don’t feel bad for the narcissist. People who attempt to victimize others, or who are natural predators have a cunning way of trying to make themselves appear to be a victim. Know that they are choosing their own crazy…they thrive not in order but in chaos. You can’t change that person. You can’t help them enough because enough is never enough.
Forgive yourself…and the other person. Learn the lesson and move on. Not forgiving someone shackles them to you. Not forgiving yourself is like peeling a scab off a wound every day and wondering why you keep bleeding. Love yourself enough to forgive yourself.
Deneen White 