Over the years, I’ve been taught, encouraged, almost coached to suppress my emotions. Ok, let me be more specific. Happy was good. Anger was understandable. Fear was normal…but we pretended it wasn’t always sitting on our shoulder, holding onto our throats. Sadness was present quite often…but it was fed. Tears…that was the no-go danger zone. Never let them see you cry. Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry for. (For the record…my parents only hit me or my sister one time each…but the wooden spoon was ever present)Today…I found myself in a situation that brought my soul deep grief. The kind of grief that hit me like a fucking tsunami. One second I was okay. The next…😭😭Once it started, IT WOULD NOT STOP. God bless my friend…she’s a trooper. I got home from our day, put my groceries away, and I bawled. I sobbed. I cried so hard that I couldn’t breathe. Then I cried some more. I’m facing some realities that everyone eventually has to face. And that shit is hard. I know that I’ll have friends to support me through…but they’ll go home and I’ll be here. Alone. Part of me is embarrassed of the emotions I displayed today. I cried in the grocery store. I cried in the car. I fell to my knees and bawled in my bedroom. And now I’m sitting here, watching these HGTV shows…why the hell are all of these assholes buying their parents’ homes? 😭😭The truth is that God made us emotional beings. Jesus got angry and overturned tables in the temple. Jesus wept when his friend died…even though He raised him from the dead. I’m sure Jesus and the disciples laughed. I’m sure that Jesus felt indescribable joy when he was with people. So why do I feel embarrassed because I cried in front of one of my best friends when reality set in? I dried my eyes. And I sat down and I journaled. I wrote out my angst. My fear. My everything. When I got it all out, I turned it around. I wrote the promises of God. I wrote the truth. I wrote affirmations. I released the thing that I want most in the world. I gave it all to God. And suddenly, though I still *feel* sad, scared, alone…I know that I will survive. I know that God is always with me. I know that He will gather all of my tears, and one day give them to me to throw at the Father’s feet. (His feet are gonna SPARKLE, y’all!!!)I know that God is not surprised. I know that I have a 100% survival rate through hard things. I know that God knows my most intimate needs, and I trust that He and I will get through whatever comes my way. Emotions happen. There is no reason to be ashamed of them. It is healthy to feel them and to experience them. Process them. But…don’t stay there. It’s a choice. You can feel sad, but it’s a choice to stay sad. You can feel angry, but it’s a choice to remain angry or act on that anger. You CHOOSE your story. From Friday to today, I felt ALL THE FEELS. Tonight, I choose peace. I can only control the controllable. I’m awesome…but I’m not God. So…if you are reading this, and you’re going through a dark night of the soul…feel the feels, get the emotions out…but make a choice for peace. The Bible says that God gives you, yes YOU, the peace that surpasses all understanding. Walk in THAT.
What I’m Pondering…
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