When I look at myself in the mirror, I hardly recognize the person looking back at me. In my minds eye, I am in my early 20’s, my whole life ahead of me. I am invincible.
The further removed I am from the past few months, I wonder who the woman was who allowed herself to be sucked into something that was so obviously…incongruous with who I am as a person, what I stand for. The reality of what I allowed in my life makes me sick. Yes I had fun. Yes, I honestly needed a distraction. But how can one stray so far from who she really is? And how can I have allowed myself to be ashamed of something that made me so proud?
I need to make some major changes in my life. Some of the changes I gave up control of by bad life decisions. Most of the changes are conscious decisions that I should have made long ago. All of the changes are good–even if, on the surface, they don’t seem good.
Before this sounds like a pity party of one, I have to admit that the past few months have been the catalyst for good. I am comfortable in my skin. I appreciate parts of my personality that others may not that make me uniquely me. I have reset standards in my life that I at once thought were non-negotiable that obviously were. I quipped that I was ruined because there are some things that I will never settle for again. Now, I don’t think that I was ruined. I feel more that I was refined.
Please be praying for me over the next couple of days/weeks/months. I know that I know that I know that God is going to use what was meant for my destruction for my good. God works out ALL things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28 for those who are interested…)
Deneen White 