Dichotomy

Last night, on my way into the city, I stopped at Wawa for some money.  As I was walking into the store, I noticed minivans and small SUV’s driven by men and women, tired from a long day of carting their kids to and fro.  I, on the other hand, was dressed, preparing for a night out on the town.  Most of the inhabitants of the minivans were my age or younger.

As I drove away, I thought about how much I appreciate my life.  I love that I am single, in my thirties, and enjoying my life.  I’m happy that I don’t have to worry about the day to day workings of a household, making sure that the kids’ lunches are packed, homework is done, dinner is on the table.  I basically have to worry about myself when I’m not in the office.

This morning, though, a part of me feels like I’m a bit behind “schedule.”  I spent my twenties in the church, trying to change the world, affecting very little change in the world or in other people.  I rarely associated with people outside the church circle.  I really thought I was doing good, but in actuality, I kind of feel like my twenties were a wash.  Now, I’m in my thirties, trying to make up for a decade that is gone, wishing I had done so many things differently.

I have an internal dichotomy.  I want what I have, but I also want what I don’t have.  I can’t be both single and in a relationship.  I can’t be childless and have a child.  

For now, I’m going to enjoy what I have…and what I don’t have.