Triggers

Growing up, I always identified as smart. Ok…if I’m honest, that’s what I still identify with. Why? Well, it started with the voices that I allowed to shape my identity. For me, fun always equated with stupid (yes, super judgmental, I know) so I always prefer to be intense over fun.

Something else that I’ve always identified with is being an over-thinker. (I’m a real barrel of fun, right?) This morning, as I was trying desperately to grab 10 minutes of sleep, the word gratitude popped into my head. I visited my BFF Pinterest and found this.

To be fully present, one must practice gratitude. I realized that I was not feeling grateful…at all. A few weeks ago, I was told that I’m living the life that others would die to live. Instead of appreciating that truth, I found myself triggered. (Seriously…why do people put up with me? 🤦‍♀️) I’ve carried that trigger with me, shooting myself and others with it.

So…to recap…I refuse to let loose and have fun because it feels stupid. I overthink. Everything. And I’m ungrateful. I mean…that sleepless night really came in handy.

I decided to lock up the intense, not fun, overthinking, ungrateful Deneen in a dark room with no food or water for the weekend.

Truth be told, I am fun and I do like to have fun. And that doesn’t make me stupid. It makes me a pleasure to be around.

I am actually grateful. Extremely grateful. I appreciate everything that I have and that I’m given/afforded. In moments of high stress, I forget that and honestly, I am so angry and self-loathing that I forget it. (That’s material for another blog…or a series of blogs.)

As for the over-thinking, meditation, journaling and devotions help with that. Like a depressed person whose medicine is working, I stopped taking the necessary precautions…so I have my journal at the ready for the weekend.

Why am I completely oversharing? Because I refuse to only share my highlight reel. I know I’m not the only one who deals with these things. If you’re reading this, and any of this resonates with you, know it’s easily changed.

Instead of rolling around like a pig in its own shit like I’ve been for a couple of weeks, look within. Instead of beating yourself and the ones you love, take a step back and be willing to look the truth in the face and do the work.

Finally…forgive yourself for being an asshole. It happens to the best of us. And ask forgiveness from those to whom you were an asshole.