Keep on keeping on

How can I explain how I emotionally feel right now?  I feel like my whole emotional being right now is blistered.  Some of the blisters have been popped, some are still in tact.  Every word spoken to me feels like an abrasive substance being rubbed on my open wounds.

Graphic, yes.  Disgusting, absolutely.  Accurate, unfortunately.

I am feeling very vulnerable right now because I am totally out of control.  I can’t do anything to make anything better or worse.  I don’t have the knowledge to give to aid in decisions being made.  I don’t have the words I need to encourage because I am raw.

When I feel vulnerable, I lash out.  In the game of fight or flight, I fight.  I don’t fight fair, but I fight.

What do I need right now?  I need the room to feel, to emote, to cry, to scream, to feel bad for myself and to feel bad for my family.  I don’t want to wallow by any stretch of the imagination.  But I do need time.  Time to process.  Time to feel.

I also need love.  I need someone to take care of me.  I need someone to hug me and tell me that it’s going to be ok.  I need people to remind me that I am a strong woman who can do this.

More than anything, I need God to be who He says He is.  I need a break.  And I need a breakthrough.

Some of the things that I’m going through are symptoms of what is going on deeper inside of me.  The yuck is rising to the top.  I wish I could just hide out for a few days and work through this.  Unfortunately, I don’t have that luxury.  I have to go on living my life, going to work, talking to family and friends.

I have to keep on keeping on.  I need a theme song.  Gonna work on that this weekend.

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