Falling Back into Old Habits

So, last week was one helluva a week. Energetically, I let my week run me instead of me running my week. I allowed myself to be tossed to and fro by my emotions, by my insecurities, and by my Jesus complex.

There are so many things that I want to accomplish–so many goals that I have set for myself–that at times, instead of appreciating how far I’ve come, I grow faint at how far I have to go.

This week at work was particularly difficult because we are short-staffed, which means that I have desk duty. Mind you…I actually like working at the desk instead of being hidden away like the Wizard of Oz…but truthfully being around people over 40 hours a week drains my energy. It is just not who I am anymore.

So, add a 40+ hour work week to doing the podcast, pre-interviews for the podcast and trying to make a decision about whether or not to brave a ride to Syracuse with an impending winter storm…I relinquished control of everything. I let my week run me instead of me running my week.

I ate way too much takeout. I didn’t drink enough water. I neglected my meditation, journaling, gratitude and workout routine. I neglected my nightly routine to get me mentally prepared for sleep. I didn’t show up on social media in an inspirational way at all. Essentially, I fell back into the person I was instead of the person I am and I am becoming.

Why the confessional? Well, I know a lot of people who fall back into old habits. Not because they want to…but because those old habits are as comfortable as those old sweatpants that are full of holes that you still have from your college days. Old habits feel familiar. They are disguised as comfort.

In reality, the old me isn’t comfortable. She hated her life. She was miserable. She didn’t find joy in anything. She tried soooo fucking hard to make things happen that she strangled the life out of her desires and those around her. She didn’t train and prepare for the future, she felt like a victim to her circumstances, a prisoner of her decisions.

It would be easy for me to berate myself for falling back into that person. To feel like shit and wallow in my shit. Drink more wine. Eat more chocolate. Watch more tv. Numb myself.

Can you relate?

But…when I coach people through similar situations, I always tell them to be gentle with themselves. I tell them that today is the first day of the rest of their life. I tell them that this is the no judgment zone. I tell them that the misstep was a mere bump in the road, a story to tell later, something to examine so that we can find the root cause, address it and move forth.

Soooo….why wouldn’t I give myself the same advice?

Today is a cathartic day. I don’t feel bad about how my week went. I can’t change it…all I can do is make different choices. Examine why I reverted into old Deneen not with judgment, but as a student of myself.

I’m entering into a new adventure, and there are hundreds of people who are going to rely on me to show up as who I really am…not as that person I was. Even if that weren’t the case, I would still be sitting here writing the same words, setting the same intention.

You know why?

Because I deserve better. I deserve everything that God has lined up for me. Jesus would’ve died on the cross for one person…so making this change, solely for me, makes perfect sense as well.

This leads me to the point. When you are doing mindset work–which all of what I have described is–you have to do it for you and you alone. You can’t do it so that someone will see the work you’re putting in and make changes to themselves. You can’t do it int he hopes that someone will see the change and give you a high-five. The reality is that when you start to make these changes, people will be uncomfortable. They won’t understand.

They will try to bully you into remaining the same, or into morphing into the version of you that they envision. You’ll lose friends who aren’t aligned with making big changes themselves.

It gets super lonely.

But…as you make these shifts, you’ll also find that you are attracted to and attracting like-minded people. People who want to expand their lives and who are not willing to settle for normal. Our tribe comes in all different shades, sizes and flavors…but we’re out here, waiting for the time that we are destined to meet.

Today, the coach coached herself back into the game.

Let me know your thoughts…have you experienced anything like what I’ve described, or am I alone in this? Drop me a comment and let me know.

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