Today is five years since we lost my grandmother. I’ve been so emotional…just raw.
Elsie and I had an enigmatic relationship. She wasn’t ready to be a grandmother. She had a daughter who was nearly five when I was born. I didn’t know these things. I just failed to understand why she held me at an arms length.
As I grew older, things didn’t improve until a few years before she passed when I moved into my first apartment. I’ll never forget her using the bathroom in my apartment, and coming out telling me that I put the toilet paper on the right way. I mean…I tried for 35 years to please her and get her love. Had I known all it took was the proper placement of a toilet paper roll, I would’ve been in her good graces decades ago!
The last two years were when we really got close. She saw me in her…a strength that she never knew I possessed. Honestly, I didn’t know just how strong she was until she started to lose her independence as I was truly gaining mine. On July 16, 2012, we got the news that she only had a little time left. Something in me broke that day…I had just started a new job, and I learned that I was losing my grandmother. I can take you to the exact spot where I received the news. Parts of my heart are still on the pavement there.
I could regale you with stories of my grandmother…telling me that if she knew my mom were bringing me to dinner that she would’ve told her to stay home; of her not talking to me because I couldn’t watch her dog; of her telling me that she wanted to die because all of her family was dead. Those things no longer sting. What pierces my heart now is hearing her voice tell me that I had to take care of her girls; of her telling me that she loved me for the last time.
There is one thing that I have to do to honor her. I’m not ready just yet…but I know it will happen soon.
Until then…Elsie…please give my love to everyone that I love who is with you on the other side. I hope that I’m making you proud…although you’d be PISSED at me if you saw me typing this through tears. I wish I could just watch one more Phillies game with you…here’s a picture of your favorite Phillie 😊😘😍
Deneen White 