Torn

Sometimes, I wish that I hadn’t allowed myself to get so hurt.I wish that I had gone with my gut and protected myself better than I did.

Then I remember some silly time, a good laugh, an adventure, and I realize that I didn’t so much allow myself to get hurt, but I allowed myself to feel, to experience, to be. I wouldn’t trade that for all of the money in the world.

Right now, I am back to guarding my heart with an iron fist. Yes, I am protecting myself from hurt. However, I am also isolating myself from silly times, good laughs and adventures that I cannot yet fathom.

Everyday I believe less in Prince Charming and being swept off my feet. Everyday I yearn more for that person with whom I can have easy conversation and live a good life. Everyday I am one step closer to settling instead of waiting for God’s best for me.

I have to be really honest. I want more than easy conversation and a good life. I want someone who challenges me spiritually and intellectually yet who supports me emotionally. I want someone who loves God more than he loves me or himself or his family. I want someone whose looks toward me cause others to blush. I want someone who can make me have fun even when I don’t want to. I want someone who puts a smile on my face on a bad day. I want someone to give 100% of myself to, who is worthy of that 100%. I want someone who will give me 100% of himself and of whom I am worthy of receiving that 100%. I want someone who is willing to follow God wherever He leads…and who is willing to stay when he is told to stay.

That’s the bar that I’m setting. Those things are nonnegotiable.

Sometimes I’m torn…but I’d rather be alone than settle. I mean, I’ve waited nearly 35 years. Right?