The past few months have been some of the most fun and most heart-wrenching of my life. All good things come to an end, though.
I was in a relationship with a guy that I really liked–and still do–for the past few months. I never should have been as deeply in relationship with him as I was…but I’m a woman and we tend to do foolish things when we allow our hearts to lead us. The heart is deceitful above all else. That is true.
He taught me how to have fun. I learned to let my hair down and just laugh and enjoy myself. Of course, being who I am, that took quite a bit of adjustment as I am the person who is always thinking and processing and thinking some more.
He taught me things about myself that I knew but that I had forgotten. He reminded me daily of how smart I am, what a good person I am. He gave me permission to believe for more for myself than what I currently have.
He taught me that there are some men with whom you enter into relationship and there are some men who you just have fun with. He was certainly the latter. I knew that walking into this whole thing…but I wanted from him something he just wasn’t able to give me.
He also took a lot from me. After he gained my trust, he threw it away more than once. I didn’t want to let go…I thought that I could fix him, that together we could fix what was broken. What I didn’t realize is that he likes his brokenness…that it is what he knows and where he is comfortable.
He walked out of my apartment a few weeks ago, to go on a ten minute walk, and never returned. I was scared for him. I was pissed at him. I was every emotion that you can possibly imagine…and some that you probably don’t want to imagine.
I’ve been in bed for the past three days with a horrible head cold. It’s the first time I’ve actually had to just be still. I had no choice. I’ve processed a lot of emotions and I have allowed God to speak into the situation.
It really hurt when he left, but if he didn’t leave, I would’ve kept trying to patch up a situation that was good for neither of us. I want to make everything work, but this couldn’t work. I want everyone to see and reach their potential; I give 100% to people. Some people are happy where they are, even though they say they are not. Some people just take and take and take.
So, I appreciate the head cold that I’ve had for the past few days. It’s given me pause to take stock and more forward.
I wish you all of the luck in the future. Part of me will always love you…not in a boyfriend/girlfriend kind of way, but a that was a great time kind of way. If you ever want to catch up over dinner and a drink, I’m game. I’m not mad at you. I wish you all of the best in the future. Thank you for reminding me of who I am and giving me my groove back. Love ya. Me.
Deneen White 