Fear Factor

Well, mom has her third chemo treatment tomorrow.  Have I mentioned how much I loathe cancer?  ‘Cause I do.  The first two treatments weren’t so horrible…residual lethargy and minimal nausea.  At this juncture the emotional part is the most difficult.

She thought that she would be fine if she lost her hair.  She thought she’d laugh like my Aunt Lorrie did.  Not so much.  I told her that I’d rather a bald alive mom then a deceased mom with a full head of hair.  Then I threatened to buy her a Santa hat with her name in glitter on it.  I need to keep us laughing so that I don’t lose my mind.

I never realized the emotional toll that having a parent battling cancer would have on me.  I guess I thought that I would be able to roll with the punches and be thankful that she’s alive.  Much of the time, I am able to do just that.  Other times, I curl into the fetal position and cry my eyes out.

It really affects every area of my life.  The other day, I was joking with one of our patients about not being able to commit to a six month cleaning appointment.  She looked at me and said, “I just don’t know what my life is going to look like at that time.  My husband is battling cancer.”  It took all, and I mean ALL of my willpower not to cry.  I looked her in the eye and said, “I understand.  I have a mother battling cancer.”  And we just…understood.

Life isn’t all sadness and cancer, though.

Something great is brewing for 2010…I feel it in the depth of my being.  I believe that a big change is coming…I have an idea of what it is, but for now, I’m just sitting back, smiling and enjoying the ride.

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