I have problems. Haha. If you’ve read my blog more than once, you probably have some pills or a good therapist to recommend. I am conflicted. I am passionate. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Or I punch at you so that you can’t see what I am really feeling. Because, what if you reject me? What if you know the absolute, down and dirty truth, and walk away?
It’s really frustrating for me that there are some people who believe in me. No matter what. People who see my behavior and call me on it. Not in a judgmental, condemning way, but in a loving, I know that the person inside of you isn’t the person who is rearing her ugly head kind of way.
The trend in my life is to reject people before they can reject me. If you are close to me, I try to push you away so that you don’t see the ugly parts. I’d rather go through these things on my own than have other people get dirty because of my dirt.
God has brought these people into my life that see through the ugly. Some I see on a daily basis. Some I’ve never met. some I may never meet. But God has surrounded me, despite my best efforts to push everyone away, with people who will not allow me to remain a broken person. People who remind me of the dreams that God has placed deep in my heart. People who see my potential and will not allow me to remain as I am. People who call me on things that I do in a constructive way–and for some reason, continue to do so.
The other day, I received Zephaniah 3:17 in my inbin:
The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.
Frankly, I’ve been trying to even push God away. Don’t talk to me about what You want me to accomplish. Do You see where my life is at the moment? Do you see how wounded I am by the people that call themselves Yours?
Prove Yourself, I cry out. Show me Your face. Bring me relief. Do SOMETHING! Instead, I get pressed more and more. My mom not only has cancer, but struggling emotionally. I am struggling. How can I hold up her arms when mine are weak? Love me, Lord. Show me your love. Instead, I find myself more alone than ever…surrounded by friends but solitary…surrounded by people but..alone.
The thing is that I know that this is a dark night of the soul. I know that I am not alone. I know that this too shall pass. I know that God loves me unconditionally. I know that this season of pressing is not only character building, but necessary for what I will do in the future. I know that the men in my life who continue to encourage me, remind me of who I am , stick with me when they have every right to leave, are the pillars in my life who will reap one-hundred-fold for what they are sowing into my life. My prayer is that I too can sow good seeds into their lives.
I know that one day, probably sooner than later, I’ll look back on this post and laugh at how close to a breakthrough I was. I know that the dreams and vision that were placed in my heart will come to pass. I know that God is working in me so that I can be the woman, the wife, the mother that He has called me to be. I know that the broken part in me that want to prove to everyone how terrible I am rather than how great God has created me will be ripped out by its roots.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for peering into the depths of where I am right now. It is my prayer that God uses this post to let you know that you are not alone. You may not be in a place that you ever thought you’d be, but be patient. Where God gives vision, He gives provision. God is singing over you with gladness. Prove the broken part of yourself wrong. You are worthy of the call of God–not because of anything that you’ve done but because of what Christ did on the cross.