Old and new…

I have some amazing friends.  I say it a lot…but it’s true.

I have been reconnecting with friends lately who’ve been in my life through the thick and thin.  And realizing that some friends are going to stick with me through thick and thin.

This past weekend had some great moments…and moments that exposed a few of my weaknesses.

There are two things that I need to work on that work against me.  One of the things that I stuggle with is uncommunicated expectations.  I don’t communicate my expectations well.  Or, at times, at all.  There are a variety of reasons that I do this. The underlying theme is fear.  Fear of rejection.  Fear of acceptance.  What happens if I get what I really want?  What happens if I express my desires, my expectations and they are denied?  If you know how I really feel, will you still be my friend?

I also have an issue wherein I push away those who are closest to me.  If you are someone who can look me in the face and really know what I am feeling/experiencing/thinking, then you may fall or may have fallen victim to this.  This definitely has its roots in some of my trust issues and my fear of vulerability.

What I am coming to realize is that there are some people in my life that I have to trust.  No matter what.  I have to know, and be secure in the fact that, there are in my life for the long haul.  Yes, I may get hurt.  But that doesn’t mean that it’s intentional.

I wrote, “I know that I can’t hold you accountable for what I don’t commuunicate.  But I do.  I’m a woman.”  I think that may be the title of a book I’ll write.  But…I can’t have it as the banner over my life.

Sooo…if you’ve been here walking along side me for a while, thank you for sticking with me through my dysfunction.  If you’ve just recently entered my life, thank you for embarking on this journey with me.  I am going to learn learning to trust you.

If I’ve hurt you, I apologize.

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