There is a battle that is raging inside of me right now. Something has been off for a while, but I thought it was something that would pass.
All of my life I’ve tried to be the daughter that honors her parents. I’ve been the one in the house that tries to keep the peace. I will smooth over anything, fix any problems, work till I drop to make sure that there’s peace.
This has followed through in my work life. I’m usually the person who picks up the slack of others. I will work as many hours as needed–paid or unpaid, noticed or unnoticted–to make sure that everything runs smoothly.
Recently, I’ve gotten to the point where I am about to break. I am on edge all of the time. My massage therapist gave me homework…she sent me home with a ball so that I can work out the knots in my back myself.
I love being around people; I can talk with the best of ’em. But, the core of who I am is an introvert. It takes a LOT of effort for me to be around people all of the time. It leaves me completely and utterly exhausted. This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I realized that it has been over three years since I’ve had personal space. I desperately need a space to call my own. A space where I can have visitors, if I choose, or where I can be completely alone, if I choose.
The good news is that tomorrow I’m putting a deposit down on an apartment. I’ll likely be moving in by mid-May, if not sooner. I look forward to sleep, alone time, cooking whatever I want, having dinner parties, sleep, a bathroom all to myself, sleep, hot showers, privacy, sleep. Did I mention I can’t wait to sleep?
Deneen White 