Right now, I find myself creatively constipated. I spend the bulk of my days right now “creating” tri-fold brochures. They are all the same. The content changes depending on the training session that I am advertising. But this is not creatiity. This is recreating the wheel. Over and over again.
I find myself obsessing over work. How can we accomplish this goal? How can we accomplish that goal? What can I give to the team for them to accomplish their goals? What did I do wrong that kept us from attaining the goal?
Then I step back and realize that the “goals” are really not mine. They are randomly assigned numbers that really have no intrinsic value. And honestly, I don’t know that they are attainable. How can you expect a toddler to run a marathon? How can you expect a skyscraper to be built (and stand) without giving the steelworkers the blue print? How can you expect an architect to design a building if you don’t give him/her some basic specifications for the building?
My passion has been spent chasing my tail for the past few months.
Today, as I responded to my friend, I realized that I am in a crisis of faith at the moment. I love God with my whole heart. But at the moment, I could care less if I ever step foot in church again. At least in the Northeast. And yeah. That is where I live. But…how can I love God and not His bride?
The church has alienated so many people with it’s navel gazing, refusal to confront what is going on in society, its inability to prove the existence of God to those who ask tough questions. I have a friend who asks good, tough questions. Questions that your average church-goer would find inflammatory. Questions that make me feel alive. Because they are questions that I ask internally, but would never actualy verbalize.
And, in case you are wondering after reading this post I am not looking to just marry anyone. My standards have not gone down because of my age/situation. If anything, my standards continue to rise because I’ve been waiting so long. If I’m honest with myself, I’m not ready to marry right now. I have a lot of life left to live before marriage. I want to know who I am. I want to live on my own. I want to marry the man who is my best friend. These things don’t happen overnight. And I won’t marry until I accomplish these things.