There is a person trapped within me. She is full of joy. She is funny. She is intelligent. She is full of life, ready to hop the next plane to help save the world. She is well-spoken. The whole world is her stage, her story waiting to be written. She is confident, borderline arrogant because she KNOWS that she can do whatever she sets her sights on.

This person is being held prisoner by an immune system that has decided to attack her body, by a disease that is killing her thyroid daily. She is trapped by constant pain that would put most people out of commission. She is trapped by exhaustion so deep and thorough that many would have to quit their jobs to endure. She is trapped by a brain that struggles to do the most basic of functions. She is trapped by a loss of memory that many times causes her to stutter, literally incapable of language skills.

Many times, I find myself angry, tired, frustrated and scared. You see, in my mind’s eye I will always be the person trapped inside. I know who I am. When I look in the mirror, I see myself behind the bloated, exhausted,  bleary eyed person who is staring back.

I am fighting this hashimotos thing with everything I have, but there are days that I lose the battle and I have no choice but to wave the white flag of surrender.

4 thoughts on “Trapped

  1. My heart breaks for you. I wish I could reach out and give you a hug.
    Remember that God looks past your physical problems. He sees the you that was fearfully and wonderfully made, created in His image, loved by Him, adored by Him, redeemed by Him.
    I pray that you will see yourelf the way that God does.

  2. I am praying that God helps you to see yourself as that person inside. All things are possible through Him. Even with physical limitations, that “real you” can definitely come out. I have noticed that some days, I am heavy inside with zero energy, pain, depressed and disgusted with the way I look (although I know I am a fit, attractive woman). Then the very next day, I can be totally full of energy and happy with the way I look. I truly believe He holds our bodies (He upholds ALL things by the word of His power Heb 1:3). God uniquely created us, and He is absolutely capable of healing us and making us whatever He intends for us to be. This person inside that you describe is probably THAT person. I’m praying for you.

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