I hate to write when I feel like this, but I’m going through a really rough patch. I have my good moments when I feel like I can take on the world, but more often than not lately, I have been feeling like I should crawl in a hole and remain there until Jesus returns or I die, whichever comes first. (Before anyone stages an intervention, I am not suicidal. I am just struggling with EVERYTHING right now.)
The family is too much to handle. I am happy that I moved out. The situation is out of control. Rose-colored glasses have been shattered, true colors are being shown, and a lot of people are being hurt due to blindness. The blind person is going to be shattered when it is least expected.
I’m tired of being alone. But part of me feels like I deserve to be alone. There is a cancer in me that says I don’t deserve to be loved, that I don’t deserve to be happy, that I deserve to be so hurt. I know that none of these things is true, but the self-loathing part of me takes control all too easily.
I am so stressed about work that I am about to break. This doesn’t make sense logically, but I love what I do. I love the patients, I love helping people, and I love talking to people. But there are some points of my job that are so stressful that I have to give myself a pep talk to get out of bed. Most days, I am literally in physical pain by the end of the day from the stress. Two days last week it took everything inside of me not to cry. Thank God for the Phillies…because they have allowed me something to think about other than my stresses.
I need my friends more than ever, yet I am afraid to reach out or hang out with anyone, because I feel like I’ve been going around the same mountain so long that I am sick of my own stories. I hate the question “How are you doing?” because I can’t lie, but I can’t tell the truth. I wish I could just run away from everything for a while, from everyone for a while and refresh and regroup. But…I have to pay the bills. I have to make ends meet. So, I have to continue on the treadmill and hope that somehow I manage to stay sane. It’s looking iffy right now.
This is where I am right now. Truthfully.