God works in funny ways. Not always funny haha, but funny nonetheless.
If I’m honest with myself, I’ve been sulking for a while. I wanted to move to another apartment, but that didn’t work out. I wanted to move to another city, but that’s not for now, that’s for later. I wanted this summer to start differently, but it’s not. Once again, I had a set of expectations on my life that did not happen. Instead of rolling with the punches, I got bruised. And kept punching myself in the bruise, enjoying and loathing the pain at the same time. Sick, I know. But also very honest.
Last week, someone posted on my facebook wall that God didn’t forgive some of my sins…He forgave all of my sins. Those words brought me a sense of peace…but it was short-lived. I plug my ears with my iPod every morning on my commute to work and I listen to worship music. But that only lasts until I get frustrated. Again, short-lived.
Today, I was reading an article in Elle. Please don’t judge me. LOL. In the article, a woman was caught in quicksand in her back yard while her family was out and about. She was flailing about, trying to save herself, and the more she moved, the faster she sank. When she gave up and stopped moving, something happened. She stopped sinking. Eventually, she rose high enough to escape.
I’ve been a flailing fool lately. Wiggling, wriggling, trying like heck to get myself out of the hole that I have jumped into. I’ve been using worship as a crutch instead of making it a lifestyle. I’ve been praying not out of love for my Maker, but out of a selfish desire to be relieved of circumstances I’ve created. I’ve been medicating with social media, sports, and other things instead of looking myself in the eye and seeing what is really going on.
I was really hurt by someone I cared about…someone I loved. Instead of learning my lesson, I’ve built a tall, thick wall and a deep, wide moat. That doesn’t protect…that isolates you from not only people but also from God. It embitters someone like me who is relational.
So, I am making a concerted effort to dry up the moat and knock down the wall.
Lord, I ask you to forgive me for using You. I ask you to forgive my lack of faith, and my lack of love, not only toward You but toward others. Lord, I give you permission to destroy my walls. I commit to You that I will worship you not out of necessity, but out of love. Lord, I pray the same over anyone who is reading this right now. Father, drench us in Your love, your unfailing love, your agape. Lord, I ask for You to grow the relationships You want grown. Lord, I give You permission to do whatever it is in my life that You need to do to make me the woman that You have created me to be. Amen.
Deneen White 