I have spent so much time of my life imagining what it would like to be in a relationship. What would it be like to have someone to hold me when I need holding? What would it be like to have someone to talk to when I need to talk? What would it be like to have someone in my life to take care of? I could go on and on and on.
The other day, I posted something on a website that got a lot of attention. I mentioned that I have a sickness. I want to be pursued by a guy, but when I am, I get scared. Apparently there are a lot of people with the same sickness.
I’m learning a lot about myself right now. None of this stuff is really news to me. I don’t know if I am becoming more self aware of just admitting to myself what I’ve always known. Or what I’ve known for a while.
I do want to be in a relationship. But, I want to be in an equal relationship.
I want to be in a relationship with someone who will love me like I love him. I want to be in a relationship with someone with whom I am complimentary. I have a lot of strengths. And I have a lot of weaknesses. My future husband has a lot of strengths. And he has a lot of weaknesses. I want to meet the person who is complimented by my strengths…meaning I make him a better person in some way because of my strengths. And I want to be complimented by his strengths. I want him to make me a better person because of his strengths.
I want us to be friends. I want us to actually *like* spending time together. But I also want us to be secure enough to spend time apart. If I have to travel for work, I don’t want him sitting at home pissed that I’m away. If he has to travel, I want him to go and not worry about me being jealous or bored. If he needs a guy night–or weekend–I want him to be a dude and spend dude time. If I need a girl night–or weekend–I want to be allowed to go.
I know that I sound altruistic. I know that I sound like I have high expectations.
But you know what? I’ve been waiting. I’ve been waiting a LONG time for this man to walk up to me, to take my hand and to be with me. I’d rather wait for what I want, for what I deserve–and potentially not find it–than settle and wind up in a marriage like I see all around me.
There. I said it out loud. Remind me when I’m weak.