I have spent so much time of my life imagining what it would like to be in a relationship.  What would it be like to have someone to hold me when I need holding?  What would it be like to have someone to talk to when I need to talk? What would it be like to have someone in my life to take care of?  I could go on and on and on.

The other day, I posted something on a website that got a lot of attention.  I mentioned that I have a sickness.  I want to be pursued by a guy, but when I am, I get scared.  Apparently there are a lot of people with the same sickness.

I’m learning a lot about myself right now.  None of this stuff is really news to me.   I don’t know if I am becoming more self aware of just admitting to myself what I’ve always known.  Or what I’ve known for a while.

I do want to be in a relationship.  But, I want to be in an equal relationship.  

I want to be in a relationship with someone who will love me like I love him.  I want to be in a relationship with someone with whom I am complimentary.  I have a lot of strengths.  And I have a lot of weaknesses.  My future husband has a lot of strengths.  And he has a lot of weaknesses.  I want to meet the person who is complimented by my strengths…meaning I make him a better person in some way because of my strengths.  And I want to be complimented by his strengths.  I want him to make me a better person because of his strengths.  

I want us to be friends.  I want us to actually *like* spending time together.  But I also want us to be secure enough to spend time apart.  If I have to travel for work, I don’t want him sitting at home pissed that I’m away.  If he has to travel, I want him to go and not worry about me being jealous or bored.  If he needs a guy night–or weekend–I want him to be a dude and spend dude time.  If I need a girl night–or weekend–I want to be allowed to go.

I know that I sound altruistic.  I know that I sound like I have high expectations.  

But you know what?  I’ve been waiting.  I’ve been waiting a LONG time for this man to walk up to me, to take my hand and to be with me.  I’d rather wait for what I want, for what I deserve–and potentially not find it–than settle and wind up in a marriage like I see all around me. 

There.  I said it out loud.  Remind me when I’m weak.