I am in a great place for the first time in a very long time. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, vocationally I find myself doing well. Really well.
I had a conversation with a woman at church today. She asked me how I’m doing, and I said, “I’m doing really well, thanks.” She looked at me, concerned as if I were delusional, and said, “So, you’re hanging in there?” I looked at her and sternly said, “NO, I am doing well. I am doing the best that I have in probably 15 years. I love my job. I am happy. I am doing really well.” She said, “Oh, great…” I don’t think she believed me.
Why do Christians assume that someone can’t be doing well? I serve the King of kings and the Lord of lords. The God that I serve, with whom I am in relationship, created the heavens and the earth. He knew me before He formed me in my mother’s womb. He knows the number of hairs on my head. I am the apple of His eye. So why is it unbelieveable that I am doing AWESOME?
I’ve been thinking a lot about church lately. My problem with church is that I had a bad break-up, and I don’t know if I can ever commit as deeply to another. I don’t ever want to be sold out to a vision of a church. I do want to be sold out to what God has for me to do.
Right now, I know for certain that there are a few things that I am supposed to be doing. (Please understand that certain things are understood, such as deepening my relationship with God and all things associated with my relationship with God.)
- Working in my current job and helping my friend reach his goals
- Blogging about human trafficking and getting involved with the abolition of slavery
- Developing relationships
I don’t want to be distracted. I don’t want to be torn in different directions, trying to fill a hole that isn’t mine to fill. I would rather not be deeply involved in church and impact the lives of people who are not associated with the church than get so involved (again) with church that I lose touch with those outside the church.
Right now I’m fighting two things because my life depends on it: cynicism and stepfordwifeism. I don’t want to be disconnected because I am cynical, and I don’t want to become so connected that I take on the personality/verbiage/look of the church.
I’m a bit torn.