A Fight within me

I am in a great place for the first time in a very long time.  Emotionally, physically, spiritually, vocationally I find myself doing well.  Really well.  

I had a conversation with a woman at church today.  She asked me how I’m doing, and I said, “I’m doing really well, thanks.”  She looked at me, concerned as if I were delusional, and said, “So, you’re hanging in there?”  I looked at her and sternly said, “NO, I am doing well.  I am doing the best that I have in probably 15 years.  I love my job.  I am happy.  I am doing really well.”  She said, “Oh, great…”  I don’t think she believed me.

Why do Christians assume that someone can’t be doing well?  I serve the King of kings and the Lord of lords.  The God that I serve, with whom I am in relationship, created the heavens and the earth.  He knew me before He formed me in my mother’s womb.  He knows the number of hairs on my head.  I am the apple of His eye.  So why is it unbelieveable that I am doing AWESOME?  

I’ve been thinking a lot about church lately.  My problem with church is that I had a bad break-up, and I don’t know if I can ever commit as deeply to another.  I don’t ever want to be sold out to a vision of a church.  I do want to be sold out to what God has for me to do.

Right now, I know for certain that there are a few things that I am supposed to be doing.  (Please understand that certain things are understood, such as deepening my relationship with God and all things associated with my relationship with God.) 

  • Working in my current job and helping my friend reach his goals
  • Blogging about human trafficking and getting involved with the abolition of slavery
  • Developing relationships 

I don’t want to be distracted.  I don’t want to be torn in different directions, trying to fill a hole that isn’t mine to fill.  I would rather not be deeply involved in church and impact the lives of people who are not associated with the church than get so involved (again) with church that I lose touch with those outside the church.  

Right now I’m fighting two things because my life depends on it:  cynicism and stepfordwifeism.  I don’t want to be disconnected because I am cynical, and I don’t want to become so connected that I take on the personality/verbiage/look of the church.

I’m a bit torn.

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2 Responses to A Fight within me

  1. chill pastor says:

    Let me say that you are getting REALLY GOOD at doing your post “chillpastor style” with the music video at the end. Also, I am going to digest your thoughts from your church experiences and get back with you…My wheels are turning; look out

    chillpastor

  2. deneenwhite says:

    I learned my music associations from the best…you 🙂

    I’m scared about the wheels turning. Aren’t they supposed to be in relaxation mode until you start school again?

    (If you have and have blogged about it, please forgive me…I’m well over a week behind on my blog reading/interactivity!)

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