I am in a great place for the first time in a very long time.  Emotionally, physically, spiritually, vocationally I find myself doing well.  Really well.  

I had a conversation with a woman at church today.  She asked me how I’m doing, and I said, “I’m doing really well, thanks.”  She looked at me, concerned as if I were delusional, and said, “So, you’re hanging in there?”  I looked at her and sternly said, “NO, I am doing well.  I am doing the best that I have in probably 15 years.  I love my job.  I am happy.  I am doing really well.”  She said, “Oh, great…”  I don’t think she believed me.

Why do Christians assume that someone can’t be doing well?  I serve the King of kings and the Lord of lords.  The God that I serve, with whom I am in relationship, created the heavens and the earth.  He knew me before He formed me in my mother’s womb.  He knows the number of hairs on my head.  I am the apple of His eye.  So why is it unbelieveable that I am doing AWESOME?  

I’ve been thinking a lot about church lately.  My problem with church is that I had a bad break-up, and I don’t know if I can ever commit as deeply to another.  I don’t ever want to be sold out to a vision of a church.  I do want to be sold out to what God has for me to do.

Right now, I know for certain that there are a few things that I am supposed to be doing.  (Please understand that certain things are understood, such as deepening my relationship with God and all things associated with my relationship with God.) 

• Working in my current job and helping my friend reach his goals
• Blogging about human trafficking and getting involved with the abolition of slavery
• Developing relationships 

I don’t want to be distracted.  I don’t want to be torn in different directions, trying to fill a hole that isn’t mine to fill.  I would rather not be deeply involved in church and impact the lives of people who are not associated with the church than get so involved (again) with church that I lose touch with those outside the church.  

Right now I’m fighting two things because my life depends on it:  cynicism and stepfordwifeism.  I don’t want to be disconnected because I am cynical, and I don’t want to become so connected that I take on the personality/verbiage/look of the church.

I’m a bit torn.