This past Sunday, we sang Amazing Grace. For the first time in my life, I was ready and willing to accept grace. A blockage between my head and my heart was removed, and I experience grace. I’ve said this before, at least to myself. But something changed. I can’t explain it with human logic.
Aside from a moment here and there, I’ve been patient. (If you don’t know me, one thing I am usually NOT is patient.) I’ve been forgiving. Not the kind of forgiving where you say it with your mouth but walk away with residual unforgiveness. Forgive and no more pain and shackles forgiveness.
God did something to me on Sunday. He did something in me. I feel free. Freedom to be who I am. Unabashedly. Freedom from trying to be what I think others want me to be. Free from the fat girl who makes bad eating and drinking and exercise decisions. Free from the bitter woman who wants her way.
I realized something shocking. I am not in control of my life. I am not in control of your life. I am not in control of the world. Yes, I can control my actions and decisions. But I don’t control the overall totality of my life.
I am dependent. I am dependent on God. He chooses in the morning to let me wake up. He chooses to hold together the molecules that make up my body. He has hand-chosen the people who are in my life. He knows the number of hairs on my head, and the number of days that I have here on earth. I don’t know how many more days I have. I could die in a car accident tonight. My heart could stop beating. Or I could live another 50-70 years. I am only guaranteed this moment.
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I’m found
Twas blind but now I see
Twas grace that taught
My heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did
That grace appear
The hour I first believed
When we’ve been there 10,000 years
Bright shining as the sun
We’ve no less days
To sing your praise
Then when we first began
Grace is more precious to me than all of the riches in the world. My heart has been ransomed for a high price, the price of the Lover of my soul.
Father, may I live a life of grace, as your Son has shown me.