For my of my life, I’ve tried to be a round peg, but I’ve been squeezed into a square hole. I was a compliant child. I learned early in life that the best way to live my life was to make sure that I kept everyone happy. I brought this trait with me to my teenaged years. I was a good student, never so good as to attract too much attention because the spotlight is not something I have ever craved. As an adult, I have always strived for excellence in everything I do, but at the same time, I’ve tried to fly under the radar, doing a great job but not wanting too much credit.
I am a smart person, and I have a lot of abilities. I know this. I really feel like the time has come for me to be who I am, who God created me to be. Like it or not, I was not created to be on the back burner. It’s safe there. It’s comfortable. But it is constricting. It is hindering me from becoming all that I can be.
What does this mean exactly? I’m not really sure. What I do know is that I am going to start looking. I want to work for myself. I don’t want to have to depend on any other person to bring in the money so that I can be paid. I want to start developing my abilities so that I can work on my own terms.
Tonight I had a great time–my friend and I spontaneously decided to head to dinner. I laughed so hard I thought that my stomach muscles were going to sieze. Talking to her is always interesting…we never know where our conversation is going to lead, but it always leads us to the same place. Paradoxical to most of you, I’m sure. But for us…it’s just natural. Anyway–our conversations inevitably lead us to mission trips talk. Talk about the terror I have endured each time I’ve been on a trip…floods, stolen fried apple pies, keys locked in a van, sedition, being treated like a man instead of a woman…I can go on and on and on. Talk about how much we love being on the mission field.
The reason that I want to work on my own terms is because I want to be able to work my butt off, earn money, and use that money to fund missions, to fund microbusinesses, to fund schools. I want to make a lot of money, not so I can have a big house and 5 cars, but so that I can do my little part to make a difference in the world. I can’t do that in my current position. I can make my bills, but that’s about all. That is pathetic.
So, all of that being said, it is time for me to be the woman that I was created to be. What does that mean? That means not fearing the spotlight. That means taking a risk with the hope of a great reward…not for me, but for others.
Tomorrow after fall ball, I will be found in a Starbucks or other coffee shop that has free internet access. It’s time to overcome the analysis paralysis from which I have been suffering.
I’ll probably need a drink tomorrow night 🙂