Can you blame me?

Warning…this blog is raw.

Tonight I was talking with my mom.  She recently began working with an after-school program in Camden.  She drives the kids from school to the church where the program is run and then home.  She’s been doing it for a short time, but she loves it.  I can visibly see a change in her…she is glowing and looks, daresay I, happy.  It is refreshing to see life in her face again, after a season of not seing life in her face.

As I was talking to her, I realized, once again, for the bizillionth time, that I want to make a difference in the world.  I also want to earn a decent income.  I want to be able to support my altruism…I don’t want others to support me.  Essentially I don’t want to be a cliche.  I don’t want to be the person who sets out to save the world on her father’s checkbook. 

I’m reviewing a very interesting book that gives teenaged boys an insight into the mind of teenaged girls.  Funny thing is, I’ve read about 1/3 of the book, and the same things that are true of teenage girls are apparently true of adult women.  I’m going to buy the book written for women.  About men. 

But this (and some pinot grigio) have drawn me into some introspection.  Scary territory, I know.  I am enjoying where my life is at the moment, and where my life is heading.  I’m developing some great relationships at the moment…some relationships that I truly believe are going to last, long term.  The lonely little girl in me wants to believe in these relationships, to cultivate these relationships, for these relationships to grow into ’til death do us part relationships.  I’m not necessarily talking about marriage  I’m talking about relationships that weather storms together, illnesses together, family tragedies together.  Relationships that strive to answer life’s deepest, darkest questions together.

The little girl in me also wants to be someone’s favorite person in the world.  I have that right now with my nephews and my niece.  It feels really nice.  But I want to be in a relationship with someone that I can call when I am having a crappy day, when I feel like I am a complete failure.  I want to be in a relationship with someone that I can call when I am having an epic day–you know, the day that will go down in the history of the life of Deneen. 

For now I am content in the relationships that I am cultivating.  But there is this thing inside of me that wants more. 

Can you blame me?