I am struggling. I don’t know if it is depression, exhaustion, being overwhelmed and overworked. But there is something going on, and I don’t recognize the gal who looks me in the eye when I see myself in the mirror.
Work is extremely difficult. I like my job. For the most part, I enjoy the people with whom I work. I get along pretty well with everyone. I have my days. They have their days. But all in all, we dig deep and get done what needs to get done. I got an email this morning that really affected my whole day. It seems like a threatening letter. Especially because the person who wrote it did not have the professionalism to address the issue face to face. Especially because the email was sent to our whole office but obviously directed at one person. I work hard. I put in more hours than anyone realizes. This job has gotten into my dreams. I literally woke up at 3AM after having a dream about work. And I couldn’t get back to sleep. I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. Two months ago, someone told me that I shouldn’t care so much about my job. I can’t do that. That is not me. I care about my job. I care about everything I do.
Family life is tough. My nephew was in the hospital for two days. He had a double kidney infection. Apparently he has kidney reflux. Essentially his bladder allows urine to go into his kidneys. On a scale of 1-3, 3 being the worst, one of his kidneys is a 2 and the other is a 3. From what we know, it can be treated with meds. But, seeing my nephew so sick for so many days, followed by two day in the hospital…that sucked. The stress on the two older kids was tough too. My niece cried herself to sleep the night before last because she missed her mommy and her brother. Tonight my oldest nephew had a baseball game. He had a pain in his back and insisted that I bring him home. He was afraid that his kidneys were faulty. We figured out that his muscles hurt from three hours in the batting cage last night, but the look of fear and trepidation in his eyes…that will be seared into my memory for a while.
Even church is tough. I’m taking a break. I’m going to be out of town next Sunday. Then I’ll be home for a week and out of town the next Sunday. I really need to evaluate what is going on. I don’t want to play church. I can’t play church. I can’t wrap my head around what we are doing. I know that my pastor has told us…time and time again, but I still don’t see it. I know that it is not my responsibility to cast the vision for this church. It is my responsibility to take the vision of my pastor and run with it. But what should I do when I still don’t understand the vision? What if I don’t understand my little part of the puzzle? What if my piece is a part of a different puzzle altogether? Can I part from my church as a friend? Or does it have to be dramatic? I don’t know the answers. But I am waiting to learn the answers. Mainly because I want to be sure of my decision.
So…as I write this, I notice that I’ve not said, “God said this or God said that.” Right now, for the first time in a long time, I am questioning God’s voice. It’s tough for me to admit that because I rarely doubt that I hear God’s voice. I remember being drunk out of my mind and talking about the things of God at a bar. You see, I know God’s voice. I know what God has called me to do. But I am standing in unfamiliar territory. I know it’s on the map, but I don’t know exactly where on the map. It is at moments like this that I long for a woman in my life who would be willing to mentor me; a woman who I respect enough to allow her to speak into my life. I long for someone who can be strong, and allow me to lean in moments like this when I don’t have the strength to stand.
Father God, I ask You to speak into my life. I ask you to speak clearly through the muddy water. I ask You to be God in my life. I ask You to tell me the tough things that I need to hear even if I don’t want to hear them. I ask You, Lord, to show me how to love You in a new way…in a way that I’ve neglected. Lord, all I want is to know You more. I want to know Your love, Your heart, Your passions. Lord, I want to be Your hands and Your feet and Your mouthpiece. Father, help me to bridle my tongue. Lord, teach me that silence is golden. Lord, I will once again serve those around me. Lord, I love you. I love you more than my own life. Please teach me the lessons that I need to learn in this season. Lord, thank you for your mercy and your grace. In Jesus’ name, AMEN.