I can’t seem to fall asleep tonight. My heart is heavy…so much loss over the past two weeks. So much seems to be on its way to being lost.
I want so badly to be inspiring, to give words of encouragement, of wisdom, but all I feel inside of me is the vast emptiness of broken promises, dead dreams and a sadness that absorbs the little glimmers of hope I’ve had.
I was asked tonight if I am lonely. The answer to that is a resounding no. I am, however, acutely aware that I am alone. If I truly wanted just someone, I could easily have him snoring happily in bed beside me as I wrestle with the thoughts in my head. However, I have chosen to be alone. I’d rather have no one than just someone.
Yesterday at work, I told a patient flippantly, “Ask and you shall receive.” She smiled, grabbed a card and wrote it down. She thanked me heartily. Tonight, I am asking God to lift this heaviness off of my heart, to allow oxygen to flood my lungs, and to turn my mourning into dancing. We walk by faith and not by sight. What I see in ever direction is a bloody train wreck. God sees the end result, not the destruction. Tonight, I ask God to let me see beyond the wreckage…to give me a glimpse of what He sees.
One day I’ll be writing about puppies and rainbows…but tonight is a dark night of the soul. If you read this, please pray. God knows I need and covet the prayers.