Lately, people have been telling me I need to write.
I know that I need to write. I know I need to get on my knees in prayer and beseech God to move. I know all of these things. But I’d rather wallow, watch my Hulu queue and forget about life for a while. I’d rather not have to process my current circle of hell. I thought watching my mom suffer through cancer, watching people I care succumb to cancer and having some idiot I thought I cared about take a ten minute walk and never come back was bad. Nope. That was the warm up.
Don’t get me wrong. There are a LOT of things going right in my life. I am part of an amazing church plant, and I’m watching God move in this city like I’ve only seen through my spiritual eyes before. I have a core group of people about whom I care and who care about me. I have a job which is more than 9% of the population of the United States can say. But–there is this thing that is nagging at me and won’t let me go.
I am under more stress at work now than I was even when I worked for the crazy lady in Boston. Boiled down, God is using a lunatic to break off the pieces of me that He’s wanted off for a long time. While my boss thinks that he is breaking me, he is only succeeding in knocking off the things that God wants us all free from: pride, self-righteousness, self-reliance. I am a Type-A personality. I like to be in control of the process. I like to make things happen. I am in a situation where I am being beaten emotionally to the point of exhaustion on a daily basis…and it hurts like hell…but, at the same time, I see God’s hand in all of it.
I don’t know exactly what God has for me in the future. I do know that God works ALL things for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I know that no weapon formed against me shall prosper.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil for I know Thou art with me. This is a rough season…and frankly, if there were a test on my performance, I would fail.
Fortunately, God’s grading system is different than mine.