Falling to pieces

Lately, people have been telling me I need to write.

I know that I need to write. I know I need to get on my knees in prayer and beseech God to move. I know all of these things. But I’d rather wallow, watch my Hulu queue and forget about life for a while. I’d rather not have to process my current circle of hell. I thought watching my mom suffer through cancer, watching people I care succumb to cancer and having some idiot I thought I cared about take a ten minute walk and never come back was bad. Nope. That was the warm up.

Don’t get me wrong. There are a LOT of things going right in my life. I am part of an amazing church plant, and I’m watching God move in this city like I’ve only seen through my spiritual eyes before. I have a core group of people about whom I care and who care about me. I have a job which is more than 9% of the population of the United States can say. But–there is this thing that is nagging at me and won’t let me go.

I am under more stress at work now than I was even when I worked for the crazy lady in Boston. Boiled down, God is using a lunatic to break off the pieces of me that He’s wanted off for a long time. While my boss thinks that he is breaking me, he is only succeeding in knocking off the things that God wants us all free from: pride, self-righteousness, self-reliance. I am a Type-A personality. I like to be in control of the process. I like to make things happen. I am in a situation where I am being beaten emotionally to the point of exhaustion on a daily basis…and it hurts like hell…but, at the same time, I see God’s hand in all of it.

I don’t know exactly what God has for me in the future. I do know that God works ALL things for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I know that no weapon formed against me shall prosper.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil for I know Thou art with me. This is a rough season…and frankly, if there were a test on my performance, I would fail.

Fortunately, God’s grading system is different than mine.

2 thoughts on “Falling to pieces

  1. Hi Deneen…I just ran across your blog, because I was searching for “can salt lose it’s saltiness”. I loved your response to that question. It greatly helped me to understand the concept better.

    Being a portrait artist in this economy has had it’s own set of trials, so I can relate to some of your reflections about “rough seasons”. The other day, I shared with my wife that the Lord seems to want me to think less of my circumstances as “trials”, but more like “growing pains”. He’s been chipping off some rough edges in my life as well…many that I had been coddling for far too long.

    You might be surprised by your grade on the performance test. Given the fact that you understand the subject well enough to post this blog, I’d bet on at least a B+, maybe even an A-!!!

    Have a great weekend!

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