There are so many things going on right now that life feels like a whirlwind.  I don’t know whether I’m coming or going…but for some reason, I’m kind of…calm?

Mom’s having surgery this Thursday.  I think she’s more frightened for this surgery than her last one.  I don’t know why.  She’s just emotionally lower this time than last time.  I didn’t take off of work for this surgery.  My sister and father can handle the day without me.  I’m not worried about this surgery.  Maybe I’m foolhardy.  They’re taking a few more millimeters from the site where the tumor was.

My sister is going through a bunch of crap with her ex-husband.  I want her to be with someone who will take care of her and who will make her happy.  I want her ex to be with someone who will take care of him and make him happy.  They cannot be that to one another.  It kills me that she is so stressed about this right now.  Her kids will never want for love.  They need to see both of their parents happy.  They need an example of a good, healthy relationship.  I want my niece and nephews to grow up well-adjusted.

My life is interesting.  The other day, I overslept for work…didn’t set my alarm or it didn’t go off, not sure which.  Anyway…I was 3 hours late for work and had everyone really upset, thinking I was murdered by a cab driver or worse. I’ve been working for over 15 years, and that is literally the first time that’s ever happened to me.  I was embarrassed and pissed at myself.

Today, as I was enjoying a day of aloneness, I had time to think.  I’ve realized that I’ve been single and independent for so long, part of me is afraid of not being single and independent.  I guess I’m the opposite of most women my age who are starting to freak out that they are single.

I am on one of those dating websites.  It will one day be fodder for comedy.  I had one guy message me asking if I want to hook up, no strings attached.  Another guy asked me if I have a webcam.  Another guy started talking marriage at the third email…and said that he doesn’t like to work hard and wouldn’t want a woman who works a lot of hours and wants to travel for work.  I’m just interested in meeting people, maybe having dinner and a few drinks, seeing what happens.

Yes, I want to get married and have babies.  However, I’m not desperate.  I like my job.  I enjoy my friends.  I enjoy my independence.  I want to marry my best friend.  I want to marry someone who has seen the best and worst of me and still kinda digs being around me.  I want to marry someone who I’ve seen the best and worst of, and I still want to talk to him first thing in the morning and before I fall asleep.  I know too many married people who tolerate the person they vowed forever to.  I’d rather be alone than tolerate someone.