The day of love-aka Valentine’s Day- is so complicated. I’m not good at things of the heart. Yes, I can pour out my heart here on my blog like nobody’s business, but in face to face group situations, I freeze.
I’m scared to the point of being frozen right now.
The other night as I was driving home, I heard a talk radio show discussing who is harder to read, men or women. If I were used to gauge this discussion, I would have to go with women. I feel one way but have a terrible time acting out what I feel.
I’m never going to be that girl who wears too little clothing so that I draw attention to myself. I’m never going to be the life of the party in the bar scene. I am confident in who I am. I am beautiful, intelligent, funny. I know what I want in life. My problem is that I don’t know how I am supposed to act to get what I want. I don’t play games, but I am not forward enough to make the first move in the dance, as much as I long to.
My friend and I talked tonight, and the visual that she gave me is that right now I’m root bound. I’ve outgrown my living condition. When I move into the city, life is going to be drastically different. Life is going to be drastically less awkward. No more driving after nights out. I’ll have a place to continue conversations rather than, a la high school, sitting in my car.
I was very disappointed that the apartment that I looked at last week didn’t work out, but I think I am actually relieved. I can’t wait to live out the possibilities in my own place.
Deneen White 