Root bound

The day of love-aka Valentine’s Day- is so complicated.  I’m not good at things of the heart.  Yes, I can pour out my heart here on my blog like nobody’s business, but in face to face group situations, I freeze.

I’m scared to the point of being frozen right now.  

The other night as I was driving home, I heard a talk radio show discussing who is harder to read, men or women.  If I were used to gauge this discussion, I would have to go with women.  I feel one way but have a terrible time acting out what I feel.  

I’m never going to be that girl who wears too little clothing so that I draw attention to myself.  I’m never going to be the life of the party in the bar scene.  I am confident in who I am.  I am beautiful, intelligent, funny.  I know what I want in life.  My problem is that I don’t know how I am supposed to act to get what I want.  I don’t play games, but I am not forward enough to make the first move in the dance, as much as I long to.

My friend and I talked tonight, and the visual that she gave me is that right now I’m root bound.  I’ve outgrown my living condition.  When I move into the city, life is going to be drastically different.  Life is going to be drastically less awkward.  No more driving after nights out.  I’ll have a place to continue conversations rather than, a la high school, sitting in my car.  

I was very disappointed that the apartment that I looked at last week didn’t work out, but I think I am actually relieved.  I can’t wait to live out the possibilities in my own place.

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