I’ve been trying to come up with a plan lately. A plan of attack. A plan of what comes next. I’ve been talking to my friends about these things, and I’ve been asked the same question in several different ways over the past few months.
The most direct person asked me, “What can you do anyway?” Someone else asked me, “If you could do anything, what would you do?”
The answer is…there are a lot of things I would love to do. But how do you make money by traveling the world, writing books, talking to people, cleaining up city blocks, helping people find hope in a seemingly hopeless world? Do those things really pay the rent? I know that God owns the cattle on a thousand hills; I know that where He gives vision, He gives provision. I know these things somewhere within me. But I also know that if I don’t make my car payments, they will come and take it away.
I want to live the dream that dwells within me. I want to feel human again. I want to feel again. But right now I find myself in a situation in which dreaming and feeling are liabilities, are dangerous. I may sound dramatic. I may sound like I am exaggerating. Perhaps I am too sensitive for the environment in which I find myself.
The one thing that I know is that God is doing something in me. There is a reason that I find myself here. Again. What I need to know, what I need God to reveal is what’s next? What can I do anyway?
One thought on “What can you do anyway?”
I know exactly what you are feeling and the place you are at. I too have the same feelings. Some of the responses from friends and family are like, “well everyone feels that way”, or “it’s a normal part of life, we all go through it”. Well, I say, I don’t accept that it’s normal, or okay to feel like this as often or for as long as I do. I rebuke that “accept it, give in” attitude. I will not go gentle into that good night, and I don’t think you want to either, so the only thing I can offer in the form of a reply is to just hang on to the hem of His garment and don’t let go, don’t let go, don’t let go!