The thing that I love about blogging is that I feel somewhat free to express myself. What I love more is that over the past year or so, I’ve made some friends through this technology. When I have an off day, my friend shoot off an email and remind me of who I am. When I read their emails at work and cry, I’m getting better at blaming the allergies. Not really. In all seriousness, I appreciate it. I truly value the friendships that God has brought my way.
Lately, I’ve been extremely stressed with work. Okay…it’s been more than lately. It’s been months. The shadow of stress has clouded my vision. I can’t even say that I’ve been in survival mode. I’ve barely been in keep my head above water mode.
I have a dream. I have a dream to change the world. Right now, the dream seems really far off…I’m not affiliated with a church; I left seminary; if I’m honest with myself, I’m kind of ticked off at God at the moment. Because my life doesn’t look the way I dreamed it would.
But…I have to remember who I am, who I’ve been called to be. When I said that I don’t know, I wasn’t completely accurate. I know who I am. My problem is that, at the moment, I am kind of frustrated. Because I am not there yet. I don’t like waiting. I’m not a patient person. When I get frustrated, I deny what I know to be true, what I see is true. I am like a child denied candy. “I don’t want the candy anyway, mommy. Candy is STUPID.” And I’m taking out my frustration on many important relationships. Specifically one.
But…God has given me something that I’ve been praying for…for a long time. But it is in a much different package than I expected. Maybe my expectations were too low. Maybe they were wrapped in a box that was never supposed to be mine. Crazy thing, though. I see the package. But I can’t touch the package. I’m just getting to know all about the package.
Deneen White 