Today has been one of those soul-searching what-the-heck-is-going-on kind of days. It started out as so many Sundays have in the past few months…took a combination of the niece/nephews (this time it was the boys) out to breakfast. I fully intended to go apartment shopping, but I found that I just couldn’t. I am emotionally wiped out right now. I canceled a lunch date for apartment shopping that never happened. (Sorry…)
So, I took the boys for breakfast at the train station (a local breakfast/lunch joint in an old train station.) The food was good and the conversation…yeah. I was with two boys. I asked a lot of questions and they answered in a monosyllabic fashion. I dragged them to Starbucks for my caffeine fix. We met a clown named Jo-Jo who made their day by turning a block of styrofoam into a dragon. They talked about it for the rest of the day.
After we got back, I read a little, then decided to tan. I came home and got ready and went to the movies to see Made of Honor. That could turn out to be my life, less the Scottish duke and castle. Then I went out for some sushi and more Starbucks.
While I was driving, I got to thinking about so many things…where I am, where I am headed. What I want for my life, what I thought my life would look like, what it is looking like. The theatre, sushi spot and Starbucks are all in Voorhees, where I spent a good deal of two years of my life. When I was driving around there a few years ago, I was so sure of what I wanted out of my life. I thought that I had it all worked out. Then something happened, and the house of cards I had created in my mind got blown over. I find myself on the other side, wondering how I had gotten so deeply involved in something that, in retrospect, was not really mine to be involved in. I am not the person who can just show up for a few hours and be barely involved I am the person who throws herself fully into whatever it is that is going on.
Now, I find myself in a similar situation. I put all of myself into things. I go for it at 150%. But, it seems that I am only supposed to give a little. I can’t pull back. It’s not who I am. But I can’t keep going at 150% because all it’s getting me is frustration.
I used to be the person who wore church (notice I said church and NOT Christ) on her sleeve. In the dictionary, there could have been a picture of me next to the definition of church freak. As I was driving through Voorhees, all of my zeal came back at me like a freight train. It was at this store that I bought the duct tape for my trip to Florida. Here is where I used to get coffee before and after church. Here is where I had that lunch where my heart was torn out of my chest.
Wow. How did this blog get here? As I was driving, I decided I refuse to wear anything on my sleeve. I prefer to live my life in a certain way. In such a way that people know who I am, know my values, without me telling them.
So, that is where we are, and how we got here.