I don’t want to wear it on my sleeve

Today has been one of those soul-searching what-the-heck-is-going-on kind of days.  It started out as so many Sundays have in the past few months…took a combination of the niece/nephews (this time it was the boys) out to breakfast.  I fully intended to go apartment shopping, but I found that I just couldn’t.  I am emotionally wiped out right now.  I canceled a lunch date for apartment shopping that never happened.  (Sorry…)

So, I took the boys for breakfast at the train station (a local breakfast/lunch joint in an old train station.)  The food was good and the conversation…yeah.  I was with two boys.  I asked a lot of questions and they answered in a monosyllabic fashion.  I dragged them to Starbucks for my caffeine fix.  We met a clown named Jo-Jo who made their day by turning a block of styrofoam into a dragon.  They talked about it for the rest of the day.

After we got back, I read a little, then decided to tan.  I came home and got ready and went to the movies to see Made of Honor.  That could turn out to be my life, less the Scottish duke and castle.  Then I went out for some sushi and more Starbucks. 

While I was driving, I got to thinking about so many things…where I am, where I am headed.  What I want for my life, what I thought my life would look like, what it is looking like.  The theatre, sushi spot and Starbucks are all in Voorhees, where I spent a good deal of two years of my life.  When I was driving around there a few years ago, I was so sure of what I wanted out of my life.  I thought that I had it all worked out.  Then something happened, and the house of cards I had created in my mind got blown over.  I find myself on the other side, wondering how I had gotten so deeply involved in something that, in retrospect, was not really mine to be involved in.  I am not the person who can just show up for a few hours and be barely involved  I am the person who throws herself fully into whatever it is that is going on. 

Now, I find myself in a similar situation.  I put all of myself into things.  I go for it at 150%.  But, it seems that I am only supposed to give a little.  I can’t pull back.  It’s not who I am.  But I can’t keep going at 150% because all it’s getting me is frustration. 

I used to be the person who wore church (notice I said church and NOT Christ) on her sleeve.  In the dictionary, there could have been a picture of me next to the definition of church freak.  As I was driving through Voorhees, all of my zeal came back at me like a freight train.  It was at this store that I bought the duct tape for my trip to Florida.  Here is where I used to get coffee before and after church.  Here is where I had that lunch where my heart was torn out of my chest. 

Wow.  How did this blog get here?  As I was driving, I decided I refuse to wear anything on my sleeve.  I prefer to live my life in a certain way.  In such a way that people know who I am, know my values, without me telling them.

So, that is where we are, and how we got here.

One thought on “I don’t want to wear it on my sleeve

  1. no need to apologize…turns out i can’t hang anymore…i’m clearly too old to try to re-live the stupidity of my twenties! & i discovered…i’m VERY GRATEFUL for that!! so…me & the kiddies spent the day in the family room with the sofa bed pulled out watching movies & waiting for Barry to come home from Vegas…he clearly can’t hang either… 🙂 it’s great to know you’ve lost it…but it’s not a bad exchange so i won’t gripe! looking forward to a date soon! 🙂

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