Last night I had a conversation with my mom. Some of the stuff that I said caught me totally by surprise. There are some pretty deep issues that I am living with that I didn’t completely realize are still rooted in me.
I am moving out this year…if I have to find myself a refrigerator box and live under a bridge. My mom has a fear of me leaving the house. Part of it may be because we’re pretty close and she’s afraid to “lose” me. Part of it may be genuine concern for my fiscal health. Irregardless, it could have been a discouraging conversation. What actually happened, though, is that she further convinced me of the need for me to move.
I have a trust issue. With people. With the church. With men. In my mind, whenever I trust people with my heart, I get hurt. People have taken my heart and stomped on it. And I have a fear that, if I choose to trust again, that I will be hurt again. I have a fear of rejection. What if he doesn’t like me because of…(fill in the blanks here.)
Right now I am trying to work through my trust issues. I haven’t put my heart truly out there since I had it broken a long time ago. I thought I had, but recently I’ve realized that I’ve not. I saw someone in pain and I saw my face reflected back at me. Weird how God has been doing that to me so much lately.
One of the symptoms of my lack of trust is a weight issue. Subconsciously, I tend to pack on the pounds when I start to feel like my space (my heart) is being breached. To a purely rational person, it would make sense to see the behavior and change it. I’m trying. I joined a gym. Yesterday, my plan was to come home, get changed and go to the gym. I came home and went out to dinner instead. Today, I took my gym clothes to work so that I would just head to the gym. I was so emotionally drained I came home and ate dinner. Tomorrow, I plan on taking my clothes to work, eating a decent lunch and heading to the gym before I come home. Pray for rain so that I don’t have to choose between my health and the first day of little league practice.
The synopsis of my stuff: Working on trust issues and working on self-control.