Last week in church I learned a valuable lesson. I learned that the development of the right side of a man’s brain is retarded (slowed down) during a period of about ten years. (If my pastor ever reads my blog, which is highly unlikely, he’ll probably punch for me for my grossly simplified version of what he said…) Anyway…today I wish I could tap into an underdeveloped emotional state…today I wished for a few moments that I could be a man.
I asked a question and got an answer that I was not expecting. I was proud of myself because, for most of the day, I did not react. But, when I got home, the tear floodgates opened up wide. I could hear my friend’s voice in my head saying, “Deneen, this is NOT an emotional matter.” But…yeah. He’s absolutely right. It is not personal. It’s not emotional. But…alas, here I am, finding my worth in work rather than in Whose I am.
I am struggling these days. I know that my emotions and my tongue have to be bridled. I cannot react impulsively…emotionally. I cannot talk so much. I can’t take work so personally. But I do. I suppose the “win” in this whole situation is that I realize what is going on. I realize that my base self wants to rule the roost, so to speak. I realize that this is a battle…for my present and for my future. But this is not easy. It is so NOT easy.
I am thankful for the men in my life. My father, who constantly reminds me that I have to be patient. My coffee guy, who constantly reminds me that I have to “trust the process.” My friend, whose voice brings me comfort and steadies me. My pastor who weekly challenges me to continue the growth process that was started so long ago. My one co-worker who doesn’t let me feel sorry for myself…whenever I am upset, he laughs at me, reminding me of how ridiculous I am being.