At the end of me

Oh ye of little faith.

I think that if I had a key phrase, that would probably be it.

I’ve been wrestling lately.  Yes, my hip has been disjointed.  I am completely walking with a limp. 

I hold on, tightly, to the promises that I know are from God.  We all have them.  Those things that make it ok, make is ever-so-slightly easier to go through another day doing something, because you know that God has that other thing just around the bend.

Last night, God brought to my remembrance scenes that He has shown me in the past.  Everytime I see them, the setting is different, but the action is the same.  Everytime I see them, I find myself in circumstances in which I have cried out to God, asking Him if He has forsaken me.

I remember last year this time, I was at the end of my rope.  I had been out of work since June, and there seemed to be no end in sight.  I was serving in my church, but that wasn’t paying the bills.  I was so bored.  And frustrated.  And feeling like the lowest of the low, because, you know, our value is found in our work.  *sarcasm*  I cried out to God, repeatedly, “Father, please provide me with the job that YOU want me to have.  Please provide me with a job that will help to create me into the woman that YOU have created me to be.  God, please provide me with a job that will train me for the mission that YOU have for me during my time on earth.”  Finally, FINALLY God provided me with the job I currently hold.  I was perplexted, intrigued, frightened, overwhelmed when I realized that I would be working for a company that sells dental implants.  What the heck? 

Over the past year, I’ve ridden the roller coaster that is my company.  I’ve left one church, gone back to another.  But one thing remains the same..the One who is the same yesterday, today and forevermore.  Whener I am at the end of my rope, it turns out that I am just where He wants me…dependent on Him, not on me. 

So, I sit here at my kitchen table, at the end of my rope.  I thank God that at the end of depending on myself, He stands, asking me why I’ve not depended on Him the whole time.