My post from Thursday was very emotional. I have been stretch to the max lately with everything going on. I’m not suicidal. I’m not running off to join a satanic cult. I just need some time. I need time to clear my head, to spend time with God, to hear His voice clearly. I need time to not be on call for work, for family, for urgent things. I need time to let my hair down and to remember how to breathe.
I’m not rashly leaving my church. I have not made any decisions about whether I should stay or I should go. God is going to have to speak clearly about that to me. If I stay, it is because He has told me to stay. If I leave, it is because He has told me I can leave. It is not personal. My pastor is a great guy. I love the people in the church. But you cannot stay in a church because of the people. It has to be a God thing. Otherwise you fall into the trap of worshipping a man instead of worshipping the Saviour. Been there, done that.
What I need to work on is my relationship with my Savior. I’ve begun TD Jakes’ Reposition Yourself again. I remember why I stopped reading the book. It hits nerves on the first few pages. The intervention chapter had me in tears on the bus all of those months ago, and again yesterday in the salon. A few months ago, I thought, “Wow, that was me a few years ago. How far I’ve come.” Yesterday I thought, “Wow, that’s me right now. How far I’ve fallen.” I also saw a synopsis of Craig Groeschel’s talk at Catalyst. He talked about being a functional atheist. How some Christians say that they are living for Christ but are living like, “what if there is no God?” (Please note I’ve very, very badly paraphrased his talk…that is what I’ve taken from the notes…) I realize that this describes me many times. I tell people that I live for Christ, that I want to do amazing things for him. Then I find myself settling for less than what God has for me, less than what God wants for me. I find myself only doing what I am capable of, rather than doing things with God. I have also found myself serving people and not God. I do things for people…and that gets really tiring and grating after a while if you lose focus on the fact that you are actually serving God.
So…I need to take a step back and evaluate some things. And that is what I am doing. I feel like I’m beginning a twelve step program. Hello, my name is Deneen and I’m a recovering people-pleaser, lip-server of God. I’ve been “dry” for three days.