I made a promise to myself that I would not download my emotions onto my blog. I am about to break that promise.
This week has been tough. I worked a lot of hours this week. We started our new training session today, and it has taken every ounce of my energy and attention. I worked really hard all week…orgainizing things, getting the flow of the day down, preparing hands-on materials, learning how to delegate. I wanted so many things to improve over our last session.
I was successful. Today was much more organized and productive than the first day of the last session. Of course, I still found things to improve for next time, but I did the best that I could.
However, I have an intense struggle on my hand. I struggle with perfectionism. I am not satisfied with great, good, excellent. I want perfection. If I see things that can be improved, I see it as failure. I know that I am like this in every area of my life. With school, nothing less than an A is acceptable for me. In church, I have a vision for the way that I want things and if they do not meet my (unreal) expectations, I am continually disappointed.
I thought I had this thing licked. I remember being in a place where perfection was expected, and anything less than that was punished. I swore that I would not fall into this trap again. Yet…here I find myself. Perfectionism is a horrific master. There was only One who was perfect. His name is Jesus. His disciples were not perfect. Noone in the Bible (aside from Jesus) was perfect. So why is it that I find myself putting that standard on myself? And on others?
I also don’t really like curve balls. Today one of my colleagues asked for something, and I completely over-reacted, as if what he was asking for was monumental. It wasn’t. It was something that we have available. As a matter of fact, I over-reacted over the same thing not once but twice, with two different people.
I could easily blame my faults on exhaustion. I could blame it on stress. But frankly, these things are heart issues.
I’m in the wilderness again. Satan is tempting me, and I’m falling hook, line and sinker. I’m human, so all I can do is repent, ask God to forgive me, and keep alert for this behavior in the future.
I don’t like myself very much right now. I know that God loves me. I know that this is a part of His plan for my life. How can I be a pastor with a heart for people and a propensity for perfectionism? Being a people person and a perfectionist, in my experience, do NOT go hand in hand. I need this thing broken into a million pieces. I need it to be shot in the heart with a silver bullet, never to rear its ugly head again. I wonder–is this something with which I will struggle for the rest of my life, or is this something that I can allow God to heal?
Something that God showed me on the way home was that perfectionism is a lordship issue. If God is the Lord of my life, the One to whom I am completely yielded, I will not struggle with perfectionism because I will understand that I can do all things THROUGH Jesus Christ, not through myself. Until I yield 100% of my life to Him, I will stuggle with this.
Lord, I yeild my life to You. I give my life to You. I ask you to be the Lord of my life–of the entirety of my life. Lord, teach me to lean upon You and not myself. Lord, I give you my load and ask for your yoke. Lord, I love you. Please forgive me for trying to do things on my own rather than with you and in you. Fill me with your love and your joy and your peace. In Jesus name, Amen.