Blessed are those…

Posted on 23 February, 2011 by

So, it’s taken me a long time to even consider getting involved with a church. I mean, a LONG time. I visited a nice church here in Philly a few times, got excited, and then realized after a home group that, as nice as everyone was, it wasn’t for me.

About a year ago, I got excited when I found out that a pastor and his wife were moving here to Philly to plant a church. I’d been reading his blog for a while, and I got excited that God was drawing people here. I love this city, and I know that God loves this city, but, on the surface, it doesn’t look like anything good is going on here.  I emailed back and forth a few times with the pastor, but nothing seemed to come of it, so I just kept trucking forward, hoping that God knew what He was doing, but just living my life.

A few weeks ago, I emailed the pastor again and found myself having dinner with him and his wife. I left them, and pretty much thought that they probably discovered I was more than half crazy.

Then I found myself meeting the team on a Sunday for a church service. I thought everyone was really great, but I didn’t know if the way that I kind of observed more than participated was a good thing or a bad thing.

Then I found myself going to Downingtown with the team to support another church that launched this past Sunday. We all went to lunch, and I realized that I am starting to get into a rhythm again.

Now I find myself going to a weekend seminar with the team. And I see myself at the launch of the church in a few months. And I find myself dreaming big dreams with big dreamers about what God can do with a bunch of faithful people to bring change to the city of brotherly love.

That’s where I am right now. On the cusp of what I’ve been praying for my whole life, doing this thing, step by step, boldly and afraid.

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Suddenly…haha

Posted on 10 February, 2011 by

Sometimes, the thing for which you have been praying and seeking God and begging God comes. And, though you’ve been begging, pleading, and asking for a long time, it seems suddenly.

My friends and I have been joking about suddenly for a long time. All of a sudden, suddenly is here and I find myself smiling from ear to ear.

In other news, less than a week until pitchers and catchers report to Clearwater. Yeah baby. Let’s go PHILLIES.

Suddenly.

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I dare you…

Posted on 7 February, 2011 by

This morning, God dared me to do something that I haven’t allowed myself to do in a long time. Dream. I don’t mean daydream about things that I want. I mean He dared me to dream about those things that I can only do through Him.

Joseph was a dreamer. His brothers sold him into slavery because they couldn’t bear the weight of his dreams. Turns out, that was all a part of God’s plan for not only Joseph, but also his family and millions of other people.

Dreaming is kind of tough when there are bills to be paid, tasks to be completed, and seemingly no resources for those dreams to be fulfilled. Dreaming the kind of dreams I have it made even more difficult by not being planted in a church…by being a wanderer in my own hometown.

Here are my dreams, laid out for all to see:

1. I want to preach the gospel on every continent. (After this winter, I may opt to skip Anarctica, but if it’s God’s will, I’ll put on my snow suit and go.)

2. I want to see my nation fall on its face and worship God, not the god that is the United States, wealth, self-interest.

3. I want God to use me to help end slavery, once and for all.

4. I want to love God more today than I did yesterday.

5. More than anything, I want to be available for God to use in any way He sees fit. And by any way, I truly mean ANY WAY.

 

 

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I’m holding onto the promise

Posted on 6 February, 2011 by

When I was a small girl, my mom first took me to church. I remember going to a small church in Gloucester City, NJ, and wanting…more. I begged my mom to let me go upstairs with her to adult church. When I went home, I would read my Bible, just soaking it all in.

As a small child, sitting on my green wool area rug in my bedroom, I spent hours reading, gathering up the promises of God. All my little seven year old heart wanted was to travel the world, sharing the promises that I was learning.

As I grew up, we left church. I went to public schools. I was taught that, no, I was not created by a Divine Creator, but I had evolved from an ape. I learned that all of the God stuff was hogwash. No wonder the world is going to hell in a hand basket…instead of reassuring our children, we’re putting them on the same level as what is seen on Animal Planet. But I digress.

My early 20′s brought me back into the hands of my Creator. Once again, my heart was awakened to the promises of God, to what He has in store for me, what He wants me to do with Him. During this period, God showed me many things about myself and my life.

Last year, I settled into a “relationship” (and I use that term VERY loosely) with a man. And I settled. I was in a very low state emotionally–sick mom, bad situation at work, in need of attention. That ended poorly, to say the least. My heart, which never should have been opened up to someone with so many warning signs, ended up wounded.

So, this year I’ve been back to my guarded self relationship-wise. I have taken some flack for it, and I’ve had people try to convince me to allow them closer. Here’s the deal. I’m holding onto the promise that God gave me for my husband. He has to challenge me spiritually, intellectually, physically, emotionally. He has to be a mighty man of God. He has to be willing to follow the call of God wherever it leads us. He has to be willing to give of his life to God. He has to honor me as I honor him. More than anything, he has to love God more than himself, more than me, more than his family. I have been waiting 35 years to meet this man. The longer I wait, the less likely I am to settle.

I’d rather be single for the rest of my life than settle for less than what I want.

You see, I’m holding onto the promise of God.

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Dear American church

Posted on 8 January, 2011 by

It is time for you to stop your petty infighting and start worshiping the living, breathing God instead of the god that is pride, money, and fame. Please. People are going to burn in HELL if you keep up your antics. God doesn’t care about your liturgy, music, or which version of the Bible you read. He wants you to show people who HE is. Do you not understand that people’s eternity is on the line, or do you not care?

I have seen too many people I love and care about so deeply scarred by you that they have lost their faith in God. At times, I feel like a survivor in a war zone walking down the street, seeing my loved ones blown to pieces.

God is not pleased with the church. The American church is like the bride in Hosea who commits adultery. The only difference is that you are so blinded by money, so deafened by the sound of your own voice that you do not sense the Holy Spirit weeping over you.

Please, wake up before it is too late. When you go out tomorrow, actually look into the eyes of  stranger. Let someone know that you know that they are a human being. Share not what your stupid church can offer, but what Jesus offers. Offer to someone the Bread of Life. If you don’t truly know the King of kings and the Lord of lords, get on your knees and ask Him to reveal Himself to you.

Whatever you do, stop embarrassing God, misrepresenting Jesus and grieving the Holy Spirit.

Thanks.

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New Year’s Resolution?

Posted on 2 January, 2011 by

I rung in 2011 with a fever, nausea and an overall feeling that 2010 was more of a pisser than even I thought. As I heard the fireworks going off over the Delaware River, I started to cry, thinking, this is just how I imagined 2010 ending, but not how I wanted 2011 to begin.

I am not a big New Years Resolutions person. Like everyone else, I want to start every new year off on the right foot. Lose weight. Save money. Be happy. Then, after a week of “trying,” I’m out having a cheeseburger with fries, buying perfume that I neither want nor need and crying about something.

When my friend asked me yesterday what my resolutions were, I looked at the phone incredulously, realizing that I had made none. As I spoke to her, I did made some decisions for my life. I hesitate to call them resolutions, because I don’t want to break them by the time I hit post.

1. I have decided that I am going to start drawing some emotional boundaries. With family. With friends. With coworkers. I can’t get involved in everyone else’s stuff. It is making me emotionally sick, and frankly, it’s not my stuff to bear. I’ll listen, but I’m through with getting involved.

2. I want to encounter the Living God. Not the god that is being preached about in churches. Not the culturally relevant god that people try to fit into the box of their own disobedience. The Living, Breathing God that spoke the earth into existence; the Father who loved the world so much that He send His son Jesus to take on our sin. The Lord who agapes us so much that He gives us free will–to love Him or hate Him; to embrace Him or spit in His face.

3. I’m over moral and cultural relativism. Don’t worry. I have a blog about this one.

4. I’m weeding out the friends list…and I’m not talking about Facebook. I am willing to have a long list of acquaintances, but very few can and will be called friends.  If I’m not willing to put a lot into our relationship at this time, and you’re not willing to put a lot into our relationship at this time, let’s be honest and stop calling one another friends.

Maybe the emotional scars of 2010 have created a bitter me, or perhaps they have created a wise me. Either way, I’m not willing to put up with crap anymore. It may take a few more days to wash the crap of 2010 off of me, but once it’s gone, it’s gone for good.

Happy New Year :)

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My true self

Posted on 4 December, 2010 by

Last night, an exercise on Facebook that started out as just something to pass time turned into a deeper understanding of my true self.

I know. Crazy. Facebook being used for good, not for hooking up, for gossip, for trashing other people. If God can use an ass to speak to His people, apparently he can use Facebook as a tool of encouragement for a downtrodden spirit.

When I talked to one of my best friends about my new job, she said to me, “Deneen, now you can be your true self.” I didn’t realize just how prophetic her words were.

Last night, I saw myself through others’ eyes. I was shocked by what I read. Resourceful. Wise. Heart. Inspiring. Passionate. Genuine. Strong.  These words, describing, me, from other people? If I’m honest, I know these things about myself.  But, I haven’t been living them out as of late. I’ve been looking in the mirror, believing the reflection, but not believing the call of God, the anointing that He placed on my life. I’ve been believing the balance of my bank account, the numbers on the scale, the bags under my eyes, the doubts and fears that keep me awake at night.

Even as I type this, I feel sick to my stomach. How am I supposed to do all that God has shown me? Why has He chosen me? Why not you, who is reading this? Does He realize that I am skeptical of His bride, the church? Does He know that when I read His word, I tend to skim parts? Does He know that at times, it’s difficult for me to pray, because I have been praying the same prayers so long that they seem rote? Does He know that I work in a dental office? Does He know that I long to have a partner to do all of this with me, that I long to be held at night, and encouraged during the day? Does He know how badly I’ve screwed up so many areas of my life? He’s called me, and I’m a hot mess.

I guess God has used bigger messes than me. Paul hated Christians and actively pursued and killed them before his experience on the road to Damascus. Peter, one of His closest friends, denied Him three times on the night he was crucified. Jonah hated the people of Nineveh to the point that he jumped on a ship in the opposite direction and was pissed at God when they were saved. Sarah laughed at God when He said that she would have a son.

The only place I know to start this new leg of my journey is on my knees. God Himself will have to guide me step by step. I can’t do this on my own, and I can’t get myself out of this mess on my own.

I promise to be my true self from this point forward. I can guarantee that I will be a person that people either love or hate. (I already am…lol) There will be few in the middle. I remember being in Arizona, on my first mission trip, and God speaking to me. He told me to take up my cross and follow Him. Today I am taking heed of those words.

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