Today was supposed to be a day of studying, reading and writing. Instead, I found myself cleaning for over 3 hours. I scrubbed our house like it’s not been scrubbed in a long time. Mundane it seems, but actually not so trivial. Whenever I get the sense that my life is about to be out of my control, I clean. I scrub. I nest. When I worked at the bank, they used to see me cleaning and steer clear of me because they had an inkling of what was to come. It is honestly completely subconscious. I do not even realize that I am in the cycle until I’m in deep…with couches moved and Windex sprayed and Clorox Cleanup all over my shirt. By that time, I’m past the point of no return and I have to race to the finish line. So, our house is spic and span.

On so many levels, my meeting with Pastor John is important tonight. I guess I didn’t realize how important until my hands were chafed. I have to be honest…really honest with him about where I see my life going. In that, I risk so many things. It’s better to take the risk now than wait. I don’t want to be in England, outside of a tent, after the best meeting of my life and have my heart crushed and handed to me on a platter. I’d rather do that now. Though I have the sense that my heart will not be handed to me on a platter but rather protected. Yet I find myself cleaning.

For now, a nap and some reflection are in order.