Last night, an exercise on Facebook that started out as just something to pass time turned into a deeper understanding of my true self.
I know. Crazy. Facebook being used for good, not for hooking up, for gossip, for trashing other people. If God can use an ass to speak to His people, apparently he can use Facebook as a tool of encouragement for a downtrodden spirit.
When I talked to one of my best friends about my new job, she said to me, “Deneen, now you can be your true self.” I didn’t realize just how prophetic her words were.
Last night, I saw myself through others’ eyes. I was shocked by what I read. Resourceful. Wise. Heart. Inspiring. Passionate. Genuine. Strong. These words, describing, me, from other people? If I’m honest, I know these things about myself. But, I haven’t been living them out as of late. I’ve been looking in the mirror, believing the reflection, but not believing the call of God, the anointing that He placed on my life. I’ve been believing the balance of my bank account, the numbers on the scale, the bags under my eyes, the doubts and fears that keep me awake at night.
Even as I type this, I feel sick to my stomach. How am I supposed to do all that God has shown me? Why has He chosen me? Why not you, who is reading this? Does He realize that I am skeptical of His bride, the church? Does He know that when I read His word, I tend to skim parts? Does He know that at times, it’s difficult for me to pray, because I have been praying the same prayers so long that they seem rote? Does He know that I work in a dental office? Does He know that I long to have a partner to do all of this with me, that I long to be held at night, and encouraged during the day? Does He know how badly I’ve screwed up so many areas of my life? He’s called me, and I’m a hot mess.
I guess God has used bigger messes than me. Paul hated Christians and actively pursued and killed them before his experience on the road to Damascus. Peter, one of His closest friends, denied Him three times on the night he was crucified. Jonah hated the people of Nineveh to the point that he jumped on a ship in the opposite direction and was pissed at God when they were saved. Sarah laughed at God when He said that she would have a son.
The only place I know to start this new leg of my journey is on my knees. God Himself will have to guide me step by step. I can’t do this on my own, and I can’t get myself out of this mess on my own.
I promise to be my true self from this point forward. I can guarantee that I will be a person that people either love or hate. (I already am…lol) There will be few in the middle. I remember being in Arizona, on my first mission trip, and God speaking to me. He told me to take up my cross and follow Him. Today I am taking heed of those words.