To whom much is given…
When I woke up on Saturday, I felt so…alone. I had a choice…I could go through my day being a need machine, or I could open my eyes and realize that I am not alone. I took the latter choice.
I have been blessed with people who love me and who take care of me.
My family takes care of me the best way that they can. I’m learning to accept them for who they are. I can’t change them or their reactions, so I am trying not to be cut emotionally by their words spoken out of pain or fear or whatever else is going on in them.
I have friends who listen to me, give me tools to improve my life. One of my friends has lent me his car until my car gets repaired. I’m fortunate to have someone in my life who is willing and able to do that for me. And that is only the tip of the iceberg.
To whom much is given much is required…and I’ve been given a lot.
It’s time
I have a bunch of problems. As I publicly admit frequently.
The thing I fear most in my life is that I’ll always have the same problems. A pastor I know once said, “I don’t care if you have problems, as long as they’re not the same problems every week.” That’s stuck with me over the years.
I have two chronic problems. One is my mouth. I talk and talk and talk, and much of what I say isn’t edifying to anyone. The other is my mind. I think and think and think and much of what I think isn’t edifying and, to be honest, doesn’t help me progress relationally, personally, professionally.
So, tonight I picked up a book called The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. My friend gave me a smaller version a while back, and much of what I read, when applied, really helped me. Of course, it’s easier to keep repeating the same familiar patterns rather than changing them.
But not changing my insane patterns is effecting me negatively.
On my way home, I listened to a seminar by the author, and it got me thinking in a good way.
Tonight, I start reading The Power of Now and know that my future is, quite literally, in my hands, dependent on my taking dominion over my thought pattterns. Hmm…I read that somewhere. I think it was in the Bible 
Crash…bang…boom
So, I crashed my car for the first time today. I think my track record is pretty good considering that I’ve been driving for 16+ years. Noone was hurt.
I don’t react well to stressful situations. I am very proud that I mostly held it together. It probalby helps that the guy who was involved in the accident was probably one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. Considering the way that we met.
One of the first things I lamented when I had time to think was that I had just written how great my life is going. And then I crash. But…rather than disproving what I wrote, I believe that my point was made more clear to me.
No one was hurt. It could’ve been a huge pile up consider the traffic volume. Yes, I’ll have to pay for my mistake in the form of a deductible and probable increase in insurance fees, but both the other driver and I have insurance.
I had to learn, once again, to depend on someone. I’m not good at it, but I had to accept help. My favorite quote of the day was, “Deneen, if you have to depend on me for transportation, you know your life has taken a turn for the worse.”
I have been blessed with a wonderful person in my life. Giving, caring, amusing. I don’t know what I would do or where I would be if circumstances didn’t cross our paths.
What’s so special about church?
Last week, I took a road trip. I don’t exactly know how we arrived there, but the topic of church came up, and how I’ve been getting some pressure to get myself to a church. My friend asked me a sincere question: What happens in church that is so special?
This question bothered me.
Why? Because I couldn’t answer it.
For the life of me, I couldn’t come up with one reason that I miss going to church every Sunday. I couldn’t come up with one reason that he should want to go to church.
I have a better relationship with Christ outside of the church than I did inside. I have deeper friendships outside of the church than I did inside. My life is more balanced outside the church than it was inside. I have more joy outside of the church than I did inside.
On Saturday I saw a colleague. After we caught up on life, he looked at me and said, “You finally have everything that you wanted.” I smiled, and realized that he’s right.
I am in love. I have a great life. Sure, there are bumps in the road. Daily. But I am enjoying my life.
What is there to miss about church? I truly welcome dialogue on the subject.
What I’m learning
I’m learning a lot about myself these days. Really good lessons.
I’m learning that I have to give people a new chance everyday. What right do I have to hold a grudge (even if I AM Italian…lol) if God doesn’t hold a grudge against me?
I’m learning that sometimes you just have to chuckle, think, “What the hell is wrong with you?” and move on. Some people don’t want to grow or change. Some people just don’t know better. Some people are just absolutely OUT OF THEIR MINDS. Trying to change people who don’t want to change is less fruitful than banging your head against a brick wall repeatedly.
I’m learning about my passions. Yesterday I was a part of a CE course for dentists. I forgot how much I truly enjoy working with dentists, meeting different people from different areas. I love the adrenaline rush of getting the day started, keeping it moving. I love organizing meetings. I look forward to the opportunity to do that many more times in the future.
I’m learning that distance does make the heart grow fonder. My family and I seem to get along better now that I’m not living there. Former co-workers and i get along much better now that I am not there all of the time.
So, there you have it. Lessons learned. What are you learning these days???
Attitude is a choice
Today on my way to work, I felt my mood shifting in a way that made me uncomfortable. My knee jerk reaction to today was to be in a bad mood. It was muggy and on the brink of a monsoon. I was tired from being awake too late last night.
As I realized I was slipping down the slippery slope to pissed-off land, I also realized that I had a choice. I could continue to allow myself to be in a bad mood, effectively destroying my day and adding absolutely no value to anyone else’s day, or I could choose to have a good attitude.
I don’t know why I am one of those people who has the propensity to see the glass half empty. I could dig deep and look into my past and try to figure it out. That would take a lot of work, and that would take a lot of time. While I’m willing to do the work and take the time, I also need to have a good attitude daily. I need to grumble less and roll with the punches more. I need to see circumstances as opportunities. I need to reframe the way that I look at the world.
Today, as I was completely drenched, I purposefully thought about how all of the rain we’ve had as of late will make autumn (my favorite season) so much more beautiful. I thought about how blessed I am to have a car. It was not too long ago that I was walking 10-15 blocks to work from the NJ Transit bus. It wasn’t too long ago that I had a job that I loved working for a company I loathed. Now I have a job I love working with people I love.
So, remember…attitude is a choice. It’s a lesson I learned today. What did you learn?
Hear my heart…
I know that I am not perfect. My fingers (ie my blog and twitter) and my mouth get me into trouble. Too much of the time.
I need to work on that.
So yeah. Short blog.
Night.
Cycles of friendship
I am continually amazed at how cyclical life is. For everything there is a season…
Now that I am getting older, I am starting to be able to see things for what they are. I am starting to know my patterns, and I am starting to see the patterns of other people for what they are.
I have a few friends who come in and out of my life according to the season in which I find myself. One friend in particular has, for the last 10 years, been there when I needed someone to encourage me, to kick me in the butt. I am usually in her life when change is coming in her life. I guess this is a season of change.
I have another friend who comes into my life when I begin to become complacent. We all have those things that we know we’re supposed to be doing but just, for whatever reason, put them off to tomorrow.
I have other friends who are constants in my life. I know that I can count on them to be there for me no matter what.
I can tell what cycle my life is in depending on the people who are walking alongside of me. From the people lining up along me right now, I’d say I’m in for a bumpy ride. Thank God you’re in the car with me. I’d hate to do this thing alone!
The faces of Philadelphia
The other night, as I was driving home from my friends’ house, way too late, reality smacked me in the face like a 2×4.
You see, I have no rose-colored glasses when it comes to what goes on in the city. I know that, on a Friday night at 4 AM, there are a bunch of really drunk people wandering the streets, looking to fulfill their most carnal desires. I know that there are women whose occupation it is to meet those carnal desires.
I guess I wasn’t prepared, traveling from suburban NJ to my apartment, a few blocks away from Center City, Philadelphia, to see women standing on the corners, dressed provocatively, waiting for me to pick them up for an hour. I was less prepared to see the men who would ultimately profit off of the sex for sale sitting on stoops, right behind the girls, eyeing them like a rancher eyes his cattle for sale on the open market.
During the day, these corners are bustling with foot traffic, people shopping for antiques, free trade items, hamburgers and lollipops. The neighborhood that I drove through is one of the more expensive in the city–not a drug-riddled, crime-infested low-income area. I walk these streets during the day on my way to get an over-priced cup of coffee, during the evening to find myself an over-priced ice-cold beer.
I sit in my ivory tower, yelling about how horrible human trafficking and the sex trade are. Then, I drive down my street, see it in action, and I don’t know what to do. I know that I can’t jump out of my car, grab the girls and drive away into the sunrise…but surely there is something that I can do.
My prayer is that God would use me to bring freedom to the captives…those captive to the sex trade; those held prisoner by a pimp who profits from their bodies. I need God to show me where to begin…because I have absolutely no idea.
Here I am Lord. Send me.
Here I am Lord. Send me.
I remember the first time I read that scripture out loud and meant it. With every ounce of my being.
In the last few years, I have asked myself over and over again, “Lord, when will it be my turn?” He’s been quite silent on the topic.
I play very much a supportive role in my friends’ lives. I have one friend who is writing a book. I’m her cheerleader, reading what she’s writing as it unfolds, giving a whole lot of encouragement with small sides of constructive criticism.
I have another friend who is entrepreneurial. She works a “9-5″ but also has started two small businesses. I find myself cheering her on as she walks into and through this opportunities.
I have another friend who is working on her acting career. There are times that I talk to her frequently, and there are times when I don’t talk to her for a year. I am forever in her corner, though, believing that one day she will be a household name.
Sometimes, surrounded by these amazing women who are pursuing their dreams, I feel like the proverbial red-headed step-child, living in their shadows, waiting for recognition. Not looking for sympathy. Just being honest.
But, tonight as I was reading my friend’s manuscript, thinking about the logistics of another friend’s speaking engagement next weekend, it hit me. I am where the Lord has sent me. For such a time as this.
Sometimes the places that God sends you are in the spotlight…leading groups of people; preaching. Other times, you are in the background, holding up the arms of those who need your support. It is in the times of obscurity that your true character is forged. Forging character is a difficult process. It’s hot, sweaty, makes the muscles hurt, the nerves short. But, without these times, you would melt in the spotlight.
Here I am Lord. Send me.
