i was MADE for this

I’m not usually a self-centered person.  I generally consider others’ needs over my own.  I will give and give and give until I have nothing left to give.  I’m not usually an ego person either.  I am willing to do whatever crazy, mundane tasks need to be done to get a group of people from one place to another.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve noticed a subtle transformation of my personality.  I find myself looking out for myself more than others.  I find my ego wreaking havoc on my emotions.  Yesterday I hit bottom.

I had a tough day yesterday.  My ego was bruised and aching.  My self was exalting itself over everyone.  I was emotionally drained to the point of tears.  I was at my wits end.  I don’t even think I spoke to anyone when I got home.  I limped through a few hours and passed out.

This morning as I was driving to work, I realized just how askew my life was.  My problems were not the result of other people, but the result of my wrong perspective.  I was focusing too much on what I wanted, on protecting my ego, and not enough on the people around me.  I am MESSED UP.  I know this.  If you have a 30 second conversation with me, you’ll know it too.  Other people are messed up too.  Noone’s perfect.  We all have issues.  

I went into work with a new attitude. Because  I am the queen of the messed up, soI have to accept every person where they are with no expectation that they are going to change.  I have to be willing to do whatever it takes, with no credit, to make sure that our office moves forward.

Basically, I have to, once again, kill my ego, put others first, put on my big girl pants and be who God created me to be.

Today my morning started with a breakfast meeting at a local diner.  Next week, my Monday will start with a coffee meeting at a local diner.  It’s a tough life, but someone has to live it

I am very aware of the transition that is taking place.  I am starting to get traction, to get my sea legs. 

This morning we talked about sales, and setting up a culture of sales…how important it is for marketing and sales to walk hand-in-hand.  We talked about how important it is to have someone at the head who knows sales and who has experience.  We talked about so many things that were discussed in my former life–but never implemented. 

Something that I was taught a LONG time ago is to start how you want to finish.  Dress for the position that you want, not the position that you currently hold.  And that is something that we are doing.  We are setting things up so that, when we become a huge organization, the foundation is in place and we set everyone up for success.

This is an exciting season in my life.  Tomorrow night I am sitting down with someone to start getting some things rolling that have been in the works for a while.  I am very interested to see what transpires.  I only see great things coming…

When I was going through the most difficult times, some wise person told me that the tough times make the good times sweeter.  I thought it was a crock of crap.  Until right now.  Now I understand.  I appreciate the tough times.  But I’m not gonna lie.  I am LOVING the good times.

Today we had a meeting with one of the most creative people that I’ve ever met.  We walked into the office, and I just kind of knew that my brain was going to be stretched.  And it was.  It was stretched far beyond its capacity.  I love being stretched.

I think that I am adjusting to my new job fairly well.  I have to admit.  Going from having absolutely no authority to this position is a bit of a culture shock…on so many levels.  Last week I was emailing people, and they were kind of freaking out because they had no idea who the heck I am.  This week, I think that things are settling down a bit.  Ever so slightly.  At least with the people who I work with regularly.  Like the accountant.  And the insurance company.

Last week I made a faux pas.  I was trying to explain why I left my previous job, and even as I was speaking the words, I realized that I was not being objective.  I made a bad impression.  Or at least the incorrect impression.  I realize that the people with whom I worked do not represent their whole country.  But sometimes…when I am talking about the last job…I may seem to not understand that, if you catch my drift.  So now, I have to backpedal a bit…and correct the impression.  And that stinks…because I really do love the people, the culture and the food.  It’s the company…I understand.  It’s the company.

So yeah…I’ve not been writing all that much because my brain is fried.  I’m writing this at 11:33PM…I should be asleep as I have an 8:45 appointment in the morning. 

Wow…it sounds like an airplane just lost its engine over my neighborhood. 

Good night.

Today I had perhaps one of the most interesting, mind-blowing days of my life.

My day began with a breakfast meeting.  I sat there listening to the two men I was meeting with talk, and I just chuckled to myself and kept shaking my head.  I can’t go into details, but the one guy with whom we met could write a book–a whole series of books–that would rival the most interesting mystery novels that you can imagine. 

When I get back to the office, I told my boss that I am either the dumbest, most insane person in the world for taking this job or I am one the luckiest person in the world for having been offered this position.  And I laughed.  All day long.

The afternoon was relatively uneventful…until I learned of some of the plans that are going on in the background for Camden.  Long story short…I’m going to be meeting (little ol’ me…you know…the crazy blog lady) with a mover and shaker of the city.  Things I have barely had the heart to dream about are going to come true.  All I could do today was walk around and laugh.

So, I started the new job today.  Wow.  That is all that I can say.

My boss is energetic.  He is really smart.  He is intense.  He is fun.  I am very happy that I have made the move.

I’m really trying not to make comparisons to my previous job, but it’s kind of tough.  Today, the first thing that I did was change my desk so that I could face my boss instead of having my back to him all day.  So–I had to move the desktop computer to one desk.  He told me that I should drink some water because I had done so much.  I laughed and told him that on my first day of the last job, I actually built the furniture, so this was nothing.  I forgot to mention that I also walked 10 blocks in heels to buy the wireless modem for the computer as well as all other office supplies. 

One of my first tasks is to hire a bookkeeper who we hope will also utilized in an administrative capacity as well.  And I have to hire the person, along with our accountant.  Within one month, I’ll have a person reporting to me. 

Today I honestly went through sensory overload.  I know that I learned a lot.  I know that I accomplished quite a bit.  I can’t give you a list of what I’ve accomplished though…cause my head is still spinning.

A while back, when I was thinking of leaving my job, someone quoted John Maxwell to me:  You don’t quit jobs; you quit people.

This paraphrase resonated deeply within me..mainly because one of the reasons that I stuck it out so long at my job is because of some of the people. 

Managers and co-workers
When I started, there were only three offices open…Philadelphia, NY and LA.  I was the first AA hired, and I had the chance to get to know the managers fairly well.  A few months after I started, 5 managers were hired.  After their training in Korea, several of them went through my office, so I got to know them really well, not only in the office but outside of the office.  I admit that I bonded more with a few of the managers than the others.  And to those managers, I felt an obligation to stick it out so that I could help them be successful.  I really believe in these guys, and more than that, I actually like them.  I really hope that I will talk to at least three of them post-job. 

I met some great people while I was working for this company.  I have some great memories of the two people that I started with.  Traveling around the country, I’ve made friends with many people.  Facebook has brought me friends in the company that I have yet to meet face to face.  I was sad to leave the AA in my office.  She is a great woman…and God knows she is what that manager needs to help keep some semblance of professionalism in that office. 

Doctors
When I started, I liked dentists, but I had no particular passion for dentistry.  I remember meeting one of my core dentists for the first time, and frankly, I was scared.  He was kind of gruff; he ran/slid around his office.  I was completely overwhelmed.  When I visited him on Friday, he insisted that I give him my parents’ address and phone number so that he can always be assured that he can find me.  The doctor who now works in his office has been a bridge, for me, to Korean culture.  He took me out for my first Korean bbq.  He made me realize that I could be a leader in a corporate environment that does not encourage leadership, especially from American women.

One of my other core doctors has become…a great friend.  He challenges me to value myself more, and I have challenged him to do the same.  He encouraged me to stick it out, telling me, “Deneen, you can’t quit now.  It will get better.”  I won’t hold it against him that it never did. I can see him in my life for a long time to come.

Instead of straight decompressing and complaining about my former job, I’ve decided to write about some of the more…interesting and amusing moments of my past year.  Look for these moments to show up in books

Building office furniture
When I started working for the company, I started with another woman.  She was (and still is) one of the sweetest people that I have ever met.  My boss was really excited because the following week his first sales rep, John, was going to start.  John this, John that…I thought he was some sort of a god or something because of the high amount of praise that I heard. 

One of my first tasks was to buy a new desk for John.  “John needs a desk.  And a chair.  Please order him one.  We also need bookshelves.  Please find some nice shelves and order them.”  Being the diligent new employee, I did. 

The boxes came, and I learned who would be building the desk, chair and bookshelves.  Not my boss.  Not John.  Me.  I was responsible for building John’s new desk. 

Nothing says welcome to your new life like building a desk for the new guy.

The last few days of this job are getting increasingly more interesting.  I only have one more doctor to whom I need to break the news of my departure.  Today I cried when I told one of the doctors.  He said to me, “Deneen, do you mean I’m not going to see you?”  I made plans to visit him on Friday at the end of his hours.  He is one of those guys who, though initially he seems really gruff, is one of the softest, most concerned people I know.  I’ve grown to adore, to love my core doctors.  I honestly cannot imagine not seeing them or talking to them on a daily/weekly basis.  But, I have to move on.  It’s move on or die internally.

The conversations that I have had over the last two days have left me speechless. 

I had a conversation with one of the bigwigs at work today.  It was a terribly disheartening conversation.  He basically told me that he and one of his colleagues are the only people that support me.  Apparently, they heard something about me and that the other directors wanted me to be reprimanded.  Funny that noone ever mentioned this to me directly before. 

I don’t understand why people feel the need to unload their deepest secrets to me this week.  Honestly…just wish me luck to my face then curse me later.  Be duplicitious.  It’s my last week.  It’s not like we’re ever going to see each other again.  And if we do, I’ll remember you being nice to my face. 

Long story short…I can NOT wait for this to be over.  I can keep in contact with the people that I like and the rest–I’ll smile and exchange pleasantries. 

I think that this is why, in the past, I’ve just left with few goodbyes.

Today was my last day at HQ.  What does that mean?  Well, I finally got a desk of my own.  And a phone of my own.  And a drawer.  And I’m walking away from all that glamour to work for a start-up.

I didn’t expect any fanfare…that is for certain.  I actually got what I expected…we need you to write down what you do on a daily basis.  And we need you to teach this person about this and this person about that.  I never expected that I wouldn’t see one of my bosses.  Again.  I’d like to say that I’m really sad, but I’m not. 

I started receiving emails from my new job today.  I got more emails from them today than I received from any coworker in a long time.  It looks like I’m going to have two work emails as well as my two personal emails.  Tomorrow they’ll get set up.

Last night I journalled for the first time in a long time.  Actually picked up a pen and wrote in my journal.  (insert gasp here) I find it amusing–or frustrating and aggravating–that today I found myself challenged on the subject of my writing.  Isn’t that the way it always is?  I mean…what are the changes of me seeing something that challenges everything that I wrote?  I immediately emotionally reacted.  Then I took a step back and realized that I was assaulted by my own issues.

Well, the big news is that today I gave my notice to my current employer.  I have to admit…it was bittersweet.  Maybe a little more sweet than bitter.

I have worked for this company for a year and a half.  It’s been a roller coaster. 

I am excited about my new endeavor.  I will be working with a start up company that sells motorcycles, helmets and such.  My company has purchased the licenses from several universities, fraternaties and sororities, and NASCAR racers.  I will have a variety of jobs–facilitiating the move of offices from their current location to another; writing and distributing press releases; talking to vendors; the list goes on and on.  It’s a start up.

So, all of y’all NASCAR fans, I’m gonna need your help.  I know NOTHING about NASCAR. 

I am sad to leave the dental industry.  I love just about everything about the industry.  I love my dentists and many of my colleagues.  I have a feeling that I’m not going to be too far away from dental world.  Unless my dentist friend cut me off.  Then I’ll only be around it for routine cleanings.  Oh wait…it’s been a LONG time since I’ve even had that.