i was MADE for this

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Call to action

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This weekend was a weekend of healing for so many…the countenance of many of the women that I know has literally changed. And for that, I thank God. It is amazing to watch Him move.

This weekend was also a call to action. Today Pastor Jay preached. He taught on growth…how it is important to mature as individuals, but also as a body. One of his illustrations hit me. Babies are really cute. But, if they don’t develop, mature, grow, at a certain point, this indicates that there is a problem…there is a need for medical attention.
There is no medical insurance for stunted spiritual growth. But there is a hospital in which this can be cured. It is called the church, being involved in a community of believers who are growing through their own brokenness, who are experiencing healing spiritually, emotionally, physically. Spiritual growth is not reactive. It is proactive. The Bible exhorts believers to work out their salvation with fear and trembling.
For me, this weekend was a growth weekend. I actually let my guard down in the group of women. I laughed (so much so that the people in the room next door banged on the wall to shut us up.) I cried so hard that my head felt like it was hit with a bat. I got angry. I was real.
I’ve been hiding behind something…the identity that I’ve carried with me from my previous church. I didn’t realize was the weight of the identity that I was portraying. I was wearing chain mail. This weekend, the chain mail was removed and melted down without me even realizing what was occuring.

This morning as I was getting dressed for church, I found myself much less self-conscious of what I wore. In church, I found myself surrounded by women. And I wasn’t freaking out. I was in my element.

Back to the call to action. I have something to say, to add, to contribute. To women, to men, to the church, to the unchurched. I’ve known this since I was seven years old, preaching to my stuffed animals. Perhaps I’ve been surpressing this knowledge; perhaps hiding from the message that I have in my spirit. Now that the chain mail has been removed, I need to get the word out.

When the Potter decides that it is time, the word will go forth.

Written by deneenwhite

21 January, 2007 at 1:08 PM

Weekend recap

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For the record, I thoroughly enjoyed the women’s retreat. Our speaker blew my mind. What she said, though it touched me, didn’t rock my world. Instead, it confirmed in me so many things that God has spoken into my life recently. And that is a cool thing.
God did a work knitting my heart to some of the women in the church this weekend. I’ve wanted, for so long, to find some women with whom I can relate and bond. I want those women who are older than I who can impart something into my life…and with whom I can have relationship. And I believe that I have found them.
I didn’t sleep all that much…ok, pretty much not at all. When I finally fell asleep, police cars…three of them to be exact…went roaring down the boardwalk, hotels blaring, right outside our balcony. Our hotel was at the end of the boardwalk in Ocean City, NJ, where the boardwalk is not that wide. It probably doesn’t help that the doors to our balcony were open, but still. It scared the snot out of me.
I can’t describe at length what God did in me. I believe that I will learn what He did as I live out the life that He has shown me will be. I am going to enjoy the fire moments, the dark room moments, the moments of laughter that makes my head hurt and my side cramp. In short, I am really learning to enjoy the daily living out of life.
Yes, I had my moments. I am fighting the whole Martha thing…and it is something that I will fight for a long time. There is a time to serve and a time to receive. I generally err on the side of doing too much, and when I do, I get snippy. I lose the blessing involved, and other people get snipped.
But, you know what? I’m learning. I’m learning to be vulnerable. I’m learning to be more teachable. And more than anything, I’m enjoying getting to know my Saviour through the amazing women (and men) that He has brought into my life.
But for now: it’s sleepy time.

Written by deneenwhite

20 January, 2007 at 6:56 PM

Oh when the Saints, go marching in

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Oh when the saints, oh when the saints, oh when the saints come marching in….oh i want to be in the numbers, when the saints come marching in! As far as I’m concerned, Deuce McAllister deserves a raise. He’s my new hero…seriously.

At least, after tomorrow, I won’t have to hear about the Eagles for a couple of months…HALLELUJAH.
So, today I went to visit a friend in the hospital. She has pneumonia…and it’s pretty bad. She loves God with her whole heart and her whole being, but she is one of those people that confound me. I fully, 100% believe that God is a God who heals. But I also believe that He’s given man wisdom. So, when I have bronchitis, or anything else for that matter, I believe that He will heal me…whether it is miraculous or via medicine.
Back to my friend. She’s in the hospital because she’s allowed herself to get so run down that one of her lungs was completely overtaken with pneumonia. Now she can hold a conversation for only a few minutes without shortness of breath. She has a few other issues going on as well. She’s been believing that God would heal her. It landed her in the hospital. Yes, we have to have faith. But shall we exercise faith without the wisdom that God has given us? Is that not foolishness?
The bad news is that she’s going to be in the hospital for at least the next few days…and will likely end up back in the hospital if she doesn’t take care of herself. The good news is that I’ve lost my fear of hospitals this week. Two visits to the hospital, a potential third tomorrow, and I’m not breaking out in a cold sweat.
The best news: NO MORE EAGLES IN THE PLAYOFFS. NO MORE E-A-G-L-E-S CHANTS.

Written by deneenwhite

13 January, 2007 at 11:30 PM

Christmas presents

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I remember my first mission trip to Arizona. It was emotionally and physically the most difficult trip to date, of all of my trips. Somehow my zeal for missions was exponentially increased. Definitely a “God thing.”

One day, during a devotional time, God gave me a scripture that I immediately internalized. “Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.” Matthew 10:37-38. I recall where I was sitting, the smell of the air, the color of the sky, tinged with the rays of the setting sun. In my heart, at that moment, I vowed to take up my cross and follow my Savior at any cost. For me, it is and always has been a no-brainer.

Other scriptures elude me, regardless of how I try to embody them. I’ve always related to Martha more than Mary. Generally–at home, at work, at church, I’m the one running around, cleaning up dishes, cooking dinner, setting things up, tearing things down, making sure everything is running smoothly for the feast. I’ve read, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30. I’ve tried to put Jesus’ yoke on. I’ve recited this scripture countless times. I’ve begged God for His yoke. I’ve cried bitter tears, wondering why God would forsake me and not allow me rest.

This Christmas, God gave me a gift–actually many gifts–for which I have been asking. Looking at the past few months, I’ve actually had the gifts and have been walking in them. I spent much of Christmas day with the Jacksons. I had the opportunity to talk trash on my pastor as my team beat his at “Deal or No Deal.” I was heckled by him as my Cowboys were crushed by his Eagles. I really enjoyed my Christmas–no stress, no weirdness, no aggravation. As I was driving home down Rt. 70, I heard Matthew 11:28-30. And I realized that I now have Jesus yoke. My soul is truly at rest.

When you are where God has called you to be, doing what He has created you to do, your soul can rest. It is the natural effect of walking in His will. For the first time in my life, I am not looking for the next opportunity to jet off to another place in the world. I am satisfied in NJ because I know that this is where God wants me. He hand-picked The Sanctuary, Pastor John, Voorhees Township to be in my life for such a time as this. Yes, my family life is chaotic at best. Yes, I need a less temporary job. But, even in those tings I find favor in my Savior’s sight. Because I am where God has called me to be, doing what He’s called me to do.

Written by deneenwhite

26 December, 2006 at 11:02 AM

New plan of attack

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I’ve come up with a plan for survival today. I’m going to look at the women with whom I work as if they were on the Island of Misfit Toys ala Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. I work with a bunch of Charlie in the Boxes. They all have character and personality, but they are broken people. Just like me.

I have to remember that different personalities compensate in different ways for their brokenness. I also have to remember that, in the creative world, there is a lot of ego and pride.

And I have to remember that it is ok for me not to be good at everything. I can’t do everything. There are some things I can’t do. And it’s ok. This mini-therapy session brought to you, for free, by the struggle for perfection that occurs constantly in my head.

Blessed, broken and given. That is my life in a nutshell. Thanks for the reminder :-)

Written by deneenwhite

21 December, 2006 at 7:02 AM

Day two…

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Well, I survived day two. Not without tears. But I survived.

We had a surprise visitor today. Pastor John came to visit. What a great surprise.

I’m not really cut out for salon life. I cannot and will not make any more off-the-cuff references about business school. In a former life, I was really good at the minute details of a business. In a former life, I enjoyed the minutia. But now…not so much.

The highlight of my day, aside from talking with my pastor and the Methodist pastor in Hammonton, was talking to a man who was drinking a beer “covertly” out of a brown paper bag. And talking to random people this morning at the train station who just needed to talk. That is the stuff I was made to do.

Ironically, that is what, at one time, was my nightmare. I hated having to talk to people.

The lesson that I’m learning is that I cannot define myself by the “I am’s” that I have used for so long. I have a grasp on who I was. Learning who I am, who I am becoming, well that is a daily adventure. I’m really enjoying it.

Written by deneenwhite

20 December, 2006 at 6:53 PM

Posted in NJ, Who am I?, calling

Challenges and lions

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I’m being challenged. Again. To write. Again. Not just copious blogging, but actually getting out a pen and paper (so old-fashioned, I know) and write. I don’t know what I will be writing. I don’t know what it is that I have to offer aside from an offbeat sense of humor and my observations on life. So, I will begin that journey. I actually have a cool journal that will probably take the brunt of my writing. We will either be best friends or bitter enemies.

Yesterday was one of the most difficult days I’ve had in a while. I bounced between crying and being frustrated and asking the wrong questions. Right now I’m in the gap between my past and my future. I’m paying for past mistakes, and yesterday I allowed my present circumstances to dictate my perception of my future. Which is just silly. All things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (I fit into that category.) God will never leave me nor forsake me. God is restoring what the locusts have stolen–even if I left the door open for those things to be eaten.

Today’s challenge is to remind myself of the Truth when the lies rear their ugly head. You know, I’d like to see Aslan take on the devil. I have a sneaking suspicion which lion would win :-)

Written by deneenwhite

14 December, 2006 at 8:34 AM

Purity

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Throughout high school, people had a certain perception of me.

I didn’t date until my senior year.

One of the fellows I dated was my friend, but a friend of ours convinced him that we should date. He tried to kiss me after homecoming and I…well…ducked my head and ran into the house, leaving him standing on my front step, speechless. That was, by far, my shining moment. Poor, poor guy.

Because I didn’t date as much as my peers, people conceived the idea that I was…well…very pure. I was. That perception has followed me to this day.

That is a very difficult badge to wear.

You see, the fact of the matter is that there are mornings when I wake up alone and wonder, “Why? Why me Lord? Why is it taking so long?” My friends joke about why I’m single. We have a theory. The man who is man enough to marry me must be out wrestling lions and single-handedly fighting off tribes of cannibals. Poor guy. That will seem like nothing once he’s married to me! :-)

It is not easy being sexually pure in this society. In case you live under a rock, sex is used as a marketing tool to sell anything and everything under the sun…cars, diapers, feminine products.

I decided when I was a young child that I wanted to wait until marriage to sleep with a man. I remember sitting on my wool, green carpet dedicating myself, body, mind and spirit to God. I remember promising God that I would wait to be married before I gave my body to anyone.

I remember crying the first time I broke that promise. I remember feeling my spirit die bit by bit everytime I broke that promise.

But, I also remember the moment that I decided enough is enough. I remember giving myself, body, mind and spirit to God once more. I remember Him washing me white as snow of the sins that I had commited. I remember how free I felt when I finally confessed to the One I love, and I choose not to abandon that freedom for a few minutes of gratification.

Chewing on this subject now, I realize that people see me as God sees me. I’ve taken offense to this so often. From this point forward, I will smile and look toward heaven whenever someone makes a comment.

As a brief addendum…please note that being alone does not equate to loneliness. I may not be married at the moment, but I am not lonely. I am enjoying this season on aloneness. I am learning that the holes in my life cannot be filled by people. They must be filled by the One who has called me into the season of aloneness.

And let me tell you…He is more than enough.

Written by deneenwhite

7 December, 2006 at 11:20 PM

New England semi-wrap-up

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Well, I have been back in NJ for a little over 24 hours. I am still attempting to make sense of all that occured in New England. Mom and I had a lovely time. I think that, for the most part, we really enjoyed being in one another’s company. Except for those times when I became too much like my father. Then she would gently but urgently ask me to pull the car over so that she could drive.

You see…I have issues.

For instance, on Friday, we were supposed to take a train into Boston. She’s never seen the city, and I needed closure. As we were getting ready to go, she looked at me in an absolute panic and asked if I wanted to go to Gloucester, MA instead. Because it was raining, I said, “No.” I had mentally prepared myself to get on the train and face what I needed to face in Boston. She went mental on me because she was scared to death of the crowds and the train. So we compromised. We took a driving tour of MA, CT and RI. I wanted closure, instead we got a Christmas tree. It’s really pretty. A man on a Christmas tree farm cut it down for us and secured it on the roof of the minivan in the pouring rain. Good times, good times.

Changes in schedule like that freak me out. It’s not that I can’t be spontaneous. I like to do things on the spur of the moment. But, if I have my mind set on something, I fixate and it takes me a LONG time to recover my composure.

Visiting with my aunt and uncle was about as expected. We sat around, pretending that there was nothing wrong. I loaded all of my carp into the car and came home on Saturday as scheduled.

I wish that I could write a bright, cheery post about the wonders of New England. I can’t. I’m happy to have all of my clothes, shoes and calendars here, but I left MA haunted by a sense that my time there is not over. I almost called my pastor to ask why I should come home. I know that I am here in NJ for now, but there is something that must still be accomplished up north. I don’t know what it is.

That being said, I’m choosing to dwell in this moment. Instead of looking to something that is not for now, I’m enjoying now. Chruch this morning was like Christmas. Old friends came to visit the new house. And…I think that they all felt at home. How awesome is God?

Written by deneenwhite

3 December, 2006 at 11:28 PM

007

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There are very few prophetic words that I hold near and dear to my heart. I generally test a prophetic word given to me from someone else in this way: if I remember it by the time I journal about the experience, it’s good. If not, then it’s not. I’m sure that there is a more Biblical way to approach prophesy, but that is the way that I handle it.

A few years ago, my mother dragged me to a production that her church was having. When I say dragged, I mean it nearly literally. A woman from South Africa was doing some sort of dance and she thought it would be a good idea for me to attend. If you know me, you know that this isn’t exactly my cup of tea…especially after that incident in England that involved a flag and my head. My head is not, I repeat NOT a baseball.

So, I went begrudgingly. The dance was very…expressive. It was designed to encourage us to be more expressive, and to attempt to hear God in pictures or something like that. I kind of rolled my eyes and sighed.

But then God gave me a vision. I was on a globe, and I was jumping from continent to continent with my passport in my hand. The woman encouraged anyone who had a vision to come to the front because she believed that God wanted to interpret the visions for us.

Again, I rolled my eyes, but I went to the front. I told her what I had seen and what she said, what God spoke through her has stuck with me as a touchstone ever since. She told me that God was going to move me around, that I was going to travel all over the world. But, I was not obviously a Christian, so God was going to use me as a covert operative. I would be able to get into places that noone else would be able to enter because it would never be suspected that I am a follower of Christ. She said that I would be like 007.

Like I said, this has stuck with me. Rarely will you find me without my passport. I believe this…I believe that God spoke this because it was seared so deeply into my spirit. I don’t think that He’ll randomly lead me to the airport and place me on a plane without at least a few days notice. But my passport reminds me of who God has said that I am, and it reminds me of the promises that He’s made to me.

A month or two ago, I sat down and spoke with Pastor John and Beth. It was my intention to talk about school, but we wound up talking about outreach, which is certainly something about which I am passionate. I was given the title of “ministry liaison.” What that means, nobody really knows. But through this position, I’ve seen that prophesy that was seared into my heart so long ago begin to come to pass. I deliver doughnuts to township officials and noone bats an eye. I take food to the police department and the deputy chief is *almost* brought to tears. Being an English major in remission, I looked up the word “liaison.” It was taken from dictionary.com for all of those who are just waiting for me to plagiarize so they can turn me into the feds. :-)

Liaison
1. the contact or connection maintained by communications between units of the armed forces or of any other organization in order to ensure concerted action, cooperation, etc.
2. a person who initiates and maintains such a contact or connection.

It’s funny. That is what I do. I didn’t know exactly what it meant, but there it is. In black and white.

I love what I do. I love what God has called me to do. I love what Pastor John and Beth have given me the freedom to do.

I am sensing that God has something else that He is asking me to do. Step up to the plate and see what happens.

But…I’m still scared. That seems to be the theme of my week.

Written by deneenwhite

28 November, 2006 at 11:43 PM