i was MADE for this

I’m sitting here in my pj’s on a Sunday morning just like any other Sunday morning.

But there’s something different.  I don’t want to be relaxing today.  I want to be doing.  I want to be a part of something much larger than I.  

I am really upset that I can’t find a church to be a part of here in NJ/PA.  I don’t want to blind-date churches.  I’ve been in bad long-term relationships with churches.  I want a church match-maker to say to me, “Deneen, this is a great church for you to plant yourself in.  Your gifts can add to the congregation in this way.  The church will benefit you in this way.”  If I had a match-maker, I would take his/her advice and see what’s going on.  

Maybe I’m lazy.  Maybe I just need this time of wanting to be a part of a church so that when I finally find a place to be planted, I’ll fully appreciate it.  Maybe I’ve been hurt so deeply that I’ll never fully invest in a church again.

Or maybe I need to think outside of the box and check out an internet campus.  Check.

I saw this on Tim Kurek’s blog.

I couldn’t not post it.  

I’ll just jump into it.  I have a fear of intimacy.  This fear goes across the board.  I actually tried to avoid even writing this post.  I had something more “interactive” planned.  A let’s talk post.  In the spirit of authenticity, I find myself writing the one post I didn’t want to.

Fear of intimacy.   My problem goes across the board…men, women, family, friends.  The root of this fear is pretty deep for me.  I had someone break my trust deeply…someone I thought I could trust.  I know that you’re not the guy who hurt me, but for some reason, I automatically put up the guard to my heart whenever we talk, whenever I feel like you’re getting too close. 

I had a female friend break my trust in high school.  I thought she was one of my best friends.  I learned the hard way that she wasn’t.  When she slept with my boyfriend.  Ouch.  So now, I instinctively put up a guard around my heart and won’t let you get too close. 

You see, I have all sorts of excuses.  The fact of the matter is that I have to work on this issue.  But I’m afraid.  I’m afraid that you are going to see my heart and not care for it the way that it needs to be cared for.  Or worse, that you will see my heart and disrespect those things that make me who I am. 

What frightens me the most?  Is that you will see my heart and like what you see.  And then you might want to see more of me. 

Does anyone else fear intimacy?  Have you overcome this fear?  Please…give me some pointers. 

I finally cracked open The Reason of God by Tim Keller.  I bought it months ago, but last night I started reading it. 

Knee jerk reaction:  I like it.  I don’t get the idea that he is trying to push his church down my throat, or his ideas down my throat.  He seems, thus far, to be presenting a logical discussion of the arguments against Christianity.  It is tenable for the average person but heady enough to keep an intellectual interested.  I like books that find that balance. 

I remember when I came to a place in my adult life where I needed to make a decision about what I believed.  it wasn’t simple for me.  I asked a whole lot of questions, most of them unanswerable to those I asked.  The first time I felt intellectually stimulated by a church was when I took my first theology class.  My pastor at the time asked questions that I had burning deep within me that I didn’t realize were there.  He was talking about theories of creation and evolution. 

Evolution is one explanation about how humans became what we know as humans today.  The Big Bang Theory explains how a whole bunch of rock and gas somehow became the solar system and the universe.  But what none of these theories answer is where it all came from.  How did the cosmic goop come to being from which the amoeba turned into humans?  Where did the rocks and gases come from?  Basic laws of physics say that for every action there is an equal action.  So, where did everything come from?

I don’t have all of the answers.  The older I get, the more I am aware that I don’t know much. 

Today I headed to a new church (to me) so that I could be a part of One Prayer. 

I love the concept of One Prayer.  Over 900 churches united for one cause.  My prayer is for the church to unite more often. 

I’m trying to find a place that I can call home.  I fear that I am too cynical to ever truly be a part of a church like I once was.  I love God with my whole heart.  But…there is something so off-putting about church. 

In the message that was run in the church I attended today, the pastor didn’t really mention prayer.  Perhaps I didn’t fully understand the concept.  But he did mention, over and over again, how if someone isn’t serving the church that they really aren’t a member of the church.  I totally get that the church needs people to volunteer to keep working.  I understand that the church needs people bringing their tithes to the storehouse for the church to run financially.  What I don’t understand is how telling people that they are slacking by not participating, by chastiaing parents for not taking their kids to children’s church, is supposed to spur people into action. 

If I had the church’s attention for just a few minutes, this is what I would love to say to them. 

I understand that you have needs.  Seriously.  For years, I was one of the 20% of the people doing 80% of the work.  I started off working hard because I was doing it for God.  But one day, I woke up and I realized that I was doing it out of obligation to the church rather than out of an overlfowing passion for God.  That day I resigned from my activities, and I haven’t stepped back into a position of responsibility.  Perhaps that is irresponsible of me, but that is the way that it is. 

If you want people to serve with joy in the church, make them think that they are missing something fun rather than that they are going to be punished for not serving.  People respond better to positive reinforcement than negative.  Create a sense of excitement rather than an urgent need.  Let us know how exciting the children’s ministry is rather than threatening to close the ministry down.  Heck, create excitment for setting up and breaking down chairs rather than telling me how much I’m going to hate getting up extra early.

So, that is my two cents on the topic of church and getting people involved.  Perhaps I’m jaded and cynical, but let’s be honest.  Most of the “yet to know Christ” or “non-believers” as you like to label them, are.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the church.  I love the church.  After all, it is the Bride of Christ, right?  Theoretically it is supposed to be. 

I’ve worked for a few companies over the years.  In general, when there is something going awry in a company, a team of people examine what is not working and try to figure out how to make it work better.  In the business world, the goal is to create new business, many times by snatching customers from competitors.  I currently work for a dental implant company, and our CEO is obsessed with trying to snatch customers from our largest competitors.  We come up with a marketing plan, an aggressive pricing stucture, and we equip our sales reps to take over the world.  Theoretically, our great plans work and we make headway and one day, we’re the #1 company in the world. 

So, there is a problem in the church of America today.  The church is losing people.  Lots of people are leaving.  So, what are we doing to fix the leak?

I am one of those people.  I love God with my whole heart.  I love the church with my whole heart.  But when I’ve walked into churches recently, I just don’t feel connected.  To God.  Weird, right, considering that the church is where people are supposed to go to commune with God?  I know I’m not the only person with this issue. 

So, if I love God and I walk into a church and don’t feel connected to God, how must those who don’t yet love God feel when they walk into a church?

There are churches that are growing, and I think that is AWESOME.  I want to see the church grow in number daily-like the book of Acts growing in number daily.  But–if you take a close look at the growth of those churches, how many of those people have been saved from the pits of hell, and how many have left one church to attend another church? 

You see, despite all of the business models that are being applied to the church at large, the church cannot be run exactly like a business.  I love the branding that is prevalent in the church.  People love series because they have a beginning and an ending point.  I love vibrant worship.  People have short attention spans and need to be entertained somewhat.  Churches shouldn’t be snatching people from other churches.  The church’s job is to snatch people from the grubby paws of Satan

Studies (that I cannot cite because I don’t have the sources at my fingertips) show that people today consider themselves more “spiritual” than ever.  But the US is known as post-Christian.  What?  If people are more spiritual, how are we in a “post-Christian” era? 

What I am trying to say is that there is something broken in the church.  I don’t all of have the answers.  There is only One who does. 

I’m not trying to be one of those people who points out the problems without looking for a solution.  If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.  I love the church, and I want the church to be successful.  I’ve read the end of the Book.  I know that we win. 

The question that I pose is this:  How are you being a part of the solution? 

This morning I decided to change things up a bit on my way into work.  I am protesting listening to a local radio station, Q102, because they abruptly changed their programming.  I understand their reasoning.  Honestly, I’d prefer to listen to music than the ramblings of deejays, but, still.  I was attached. 

But I digress.

This morning, I decided to listen to a podcast.  I have over 100 stored on my ipod because I just haven’t listened to them.  So, I saw one entitled, “Unstuck” and I thought, “Wow, this is for me.”  Let me tell you something. Perry Noble messed me up this morning.  I’m driving up the interstate, stunned, pressed onto my seat, unable to move.  At one point, I started crying. 

For a few months–ok, maybe about a year–I’ve been living with my ostrich head buried in the sand, like a child holding my ears closed so that I couldn’t see or hear the obvious.  I’ve made millions of excuses about why what I thought God said wasn’t the truth.  I’ve abandoned the last thing that God told me.  I’ve been chasing an apparition that I called a career rather than walking in the certainty of what God has promised me.

What apparitions are you chasing in your life?  Are you willing to stop chasing your tail and pursue something that can change the world?

Today I had a challenging, interesting, invigorating conversation with a woman about creationism, evolution, adaptation.  I’ve wrestled through so many of the issues that turn people away from Christianity…such as the issues that I discussed with my friend today.  I didn’t just believe.  I needed proof.  Do I understand it all?  No.  Will I ever?  Probably not until I meet my Maker face to face.  But…I believe.  And I know that there are things that have yet to be revealed to me.  I cannot wrap my head around all that God is.  But I like the part that I know.  Most of the time.

Did I mention that I was spoiled today?  I got my toes prettied up.  It took me a while to relax.  I have to admit.  I like being pampered.  Next up:  massage

This funny thing keeps happening to me.  It’s actually quite bizarre.  Mind-boggling. 

I remember working for the bank…way back in the day.  I had a friend named Dave.  He was a complete encouragement to me even when he probably should have written me off.  I was a bit of a jerk when I worked for the bank.  After working with him for a while, we were having lunch and we were talking about my future.  Somehow our conversation went in the direction of school…Bible school.

Then I was working in Boston in a horrific environement.  I can hardly say that I was at my “best” while up there.  I was emotionally a train wreck.  I developed a bond with my manager, JD.  One day he point-blank asked me what I wanted to do.  I told him seminary.  Now, a year later, whenever we chat it up, he encourages me to go to seminary. 

Today, I went to lunch with my current manager.  He asked me in his circuitous way if I’d gone to seminary.  I wish I could say that I’ve been at my best, but, again, I’ve not.

Where am I going with this?  Deneen, you already know that you are going to seminary.  Duh.  Why do you need confirmation?  Where is your faith?

Why, I’m glad you asked. 

Sometimes God needs to remind me that it’s not about me.  It’s not about me being at my best.  It is me allowing Him to shine through, even when I’m at my worst.  Especially when I’m at my worst.  It’s about God showing Himself to others through me, not about me showing God through me.  Does that make any sense?  It does to my exhausted mind.  Maybe I have a case of the sleepy haha’s.  Or maybe God is showing me something.  Something that I feel you must need to know also.

Eat the meat.  Spit out the bones.  But whatever you do, hit your knees and thank God for the breath that you have in your lungs. 

I love God.   I love small groups.  I love leadership.  I hate that my mind does not know when to turn off.  I have a feeling that tomorrow is going to be a loooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg day.  ‘Cause I don’t see myself sleeping too much tonight.

OK.  I admit it.  I love that my mind doesn’t know when to turn off, because this is the stuff that I love to contemplate.  My challenge this week is to put some feet on the contemplations.  To make the proverbial rubber hit the road.

Where to start…where to start?