i was MADE for this

I’m sitting here in my pj’s on a Sunday morning just like any other Sunday morning.

But there’s something different.  I don’t want to be relaxing today.  I want to be doing.  I want to be a part of something much larger than I.  

I am really upset that I can’t find a church to be a part of here in NJ/PA.  I don’t want to blind-date churches.  I’ve been in bad long-term relationships with churches.  I want a church match-maker to say to me, “Deneen, this is a great church for you to plant yourself in.  Your gifts can add to the congregation in this way.  The church will benefit you in this way.”  If I had a match-maker, I would take his/her advice and see what’s going on.  

Maybe I’m lazy.  Maybe I just need this time of wanting to be a part of a church so that when I finally find a place to be planted, I’ll fully appreciate it.  Maybe I’ve been hurt so deeply that I’ll never fully invest in a church again.

Or maybe I need to think outside of the box and check out an internet campus.  Check.

A question was asked today on Anne Jackson’s blog…would you die for someone’s freedom?  My answer to this question is, I believe, the root of my unsettledness.  

I remember being seven years old, sitting on the olive green wool rug in my room when I first had a dream of being a missionary.  I’ve had conversation after conversation with numerous people about this dream.  I was told that I should go to nursing school so that I’d have a reason to be on the mission field.  I’ve been told that I should teach English abroad.  I’m not a huge fan of…the *stuff* that is involved in nursing, so that advice went in one ear and out the other.  I love to write…but teaching English really isn’t something that I’ve ever been passionate about.

Recently, my awareness of the gross injustice of human trafficking, the sex trade and child slavery has become acute.   Until the past three weeks or so, I didn’t know that there was so much information.  I didn’t know the enormity of the situation.  Frankly, I didn’t think that I could do anything.

Today, though, when I read Anne’s blog, God reminded me of one of the first scriptures that was seared into my heart.  Isaiah 61:1 says:

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, 
       because the LORD has anointed me 
       to preach good news to the poor. 
       He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, 
       to proclaim freedom for the captives 
       and release from darkness for the prisoners

That scripture has held me together during the most difficult of times.  Until today, everytime I’ve read it, I feel like my hands are bound, like I’m living my life less than God intended me to live it.  All of a sudden, it made sense.

Another scripture that has held me afloat during the darkest, quietest times is Isaiah 49:5-7

 

5 And now the LORD says— 
       he who formed me in the womb to be his servant 
       to bring Jacob back to him 
       and gather Israel to himself, 
       for I am honored in the eyes of the LORD 
       and my God has been my strength-

 6 he says: 
       “It is too small a thing for you to be my servant 
       to restore the tribes of Jacob 
       and bring back those of Israel I have kept. 
       I will also make you a light for the Gentiles, 
       that you may bring my salvation to the ends of the earth.”

 7 This is what the LORD says— 
       the Redeemer and Holy One of Israel— 
       to him who was despised and abhorred by the nation, 
       to the servant of rulers: 
       “Kings will see you and rise up, 
       princes will see and bow down, 
       because of the LORD, who is faithful, 
       the Holy One of Israel, who has chosen you.”

 

God has chosen me for something rather daunting.  I don’t know exactly where to begin…but I will type away on this laptop about human trafficking and child slavery to raise awareness until God shows me what is next. 

Lord God, let me be your hands, your feet, your servant to the women and children trapped in slavery.

Last night I was talking to one of my friends who is chasing her dream out in California.  She’s made some of the toughest decisions of anyone I know to get out there and stick it out.  To say that I admire her would be the understatement of the world.  She is one of those people who, just by talking to her about the most mundane things, causes some sort of change in my life.

Last night, my friend asked me a question.  Seemed so simple.  “Deneen, where do you want to be?”  I answered, without a second’s hesitation, Philadelphia.  Yeah.  I know.  Who would’ve thought?  Then we were talking about how so many of our friends are all strategically placed in California, living out their dreams.  I found myself saying, “You know what my dream is?  For all of your (all of my friends) dreams to come true.  For me, that would be my dream come true.”

I’ve been called a pillar, a backbone, superglue so many times throughout my life, and each time I laugh out loud.  I fight being those things.  They’re messy, dirty, thankless jobs.  It turns out that John Gamble, my high school principal, had it right when he gave me the “Unsung Hero” award when I was a senior. 

I don’t know where this is going to take me…but it’s the start of something.  City of Brotherly Love–watch out.  Looks like I’m here for a while.

God is persistent.  I can say, with absolutely no doubt in my mind, that He does not give up on us, even if we give up on ourselves.

Today I went on a sales call with one of the reps from my office.  The call was to my friend’s office, so I was really relaxed.  After the meeting, the sales rep and I had lunch.  It is funny how much we have in common–despite being in completely different stages in our life.  She is married and has two children.  I am single and childless (unless you count the niece and nephews.)  She is in her 40s, I am in my 30s.  Outside the office, there is somethings that bonds us together.

Back to God’s persistence.  At lunch, we were talking about the dreams that we have.  It is refreshing to talk about dreams…to be in the presence of a dreamer. 

I gave up on my dreams over the past few months.  I’ve been so focused on work, work, work.  I lost focus not only of my dreams, but of who I am.  I look in the mirror and I wonder who that stranger is.  BUT…the last couple of days, I kind of recognize myself. 

I have to give credit where credit it due.  God has gently called me back to Himself.  But there are two pastors that have restored my hope that perhaps there are a few churches in the US I would attend. Newspring in South Carolina and Mosaic in Los Angeles.  I’ve been really tough on the church.  So tough that I haven’t taken the time to see the glimmers of hope out there.  I’ve  secretly contemplated moving to SC to be a part of Newspring.  I can’t say the same about Los Angeles.  God still has work to do with me relating to my feelings toward LA…haha

I had a great talk with a friend last night.  Started out as a flurry of text messages, ended in prayer and tears–the best kind of tears.  I am seeing God answer prayers that were prayed so many years ago…and answer them with the most subtle irony.  Inside joke kind of irony.  God does have a sense of humor.

God has also impressed that I have to start studying His Word more…and sharing the lessons here on my crazy roller coaster of a blog.  My salt blog from so long ago is still impacting people…creating a discussion.  So…look for more of a didactic series of blogs coming soon.  Check out my other blog for this series. I may not be enrolled in seminary, but that doesn’t mean I can’t wrestle out the Word with God, right?

Time to watch the Celtics put the final nail in the Lakers’ coffin. 

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the church.  I love the church.  After all, it is the Bride of Christ, right?  Theoretically it is supposed to be. 

I’ve worked for a few companies over the years.  In general, when there is something going awry in a company, a team of people examine what is not working and try to figure out how to make it work better.  In the business world, the goal is to create new business, many times by snatching customers from competitors.  I currently work for a dental implant company, and our CEO is obsessed with trying to snatch customers from our largest competitors.  We come up with a marketing plan, an aggressive pricing stucture, and we equip our sales reps to take over the world.  Theoretically, our great plans work and we make headway and one day, we’re the #1 company in the world. 

So, there is a problem in the church of America today.  The church is losing people.  Lots of people are leaving.  So, what are we doing to fix the leak?

I am one of those people.  I love God with my whole heart.  I love the church with my whole heart.  But when I’ve walked into churches recently, I just don’t feel connected.  To God.  Weird, right, considering that the church is where people are supposed to go to commune with God?  I know I’m not the only person with this issue. 

So, if I love God and I walk into a church and don’t feel connected to God, how must those who don’t yet love God feel when they walk into a church?

There are churches that are growing, and I think that is AWESOME.  I want to see the church grow in number daily-like the book of Acts growing in number daily.  But–if you take a close look at the growth of those churches, how many of those people have been saved from the pits of hell, and how many have left one church to attend another church? 

You see, despite all of the business models that are being applied to the church at large, the church cannot be run exactly like a business.  I love the branding that is prevalent in the church.  People love series because they have a beginning and an ending point.  I love vibrant worship.  People have short attention spans and need to be entertained somewhat.  Churches shouldn’t be snatching people from other churches.  The church’s job is to snatch people from the grubby paws of Satan

Studies (that I cannot cite because I don’t have the sources at my fingertips) show that people today consider themselves more “spiritual” than ever.  But the US is known as post-Christian.  What?  If people are more spiritual, how are we in a “post-Christian” era? 

What I am trying to say is that there is something broken in the church.  I don’t all of have the answers.  There is only One who does. 

I’m not trying to be one of those people who points out the problems without looking for a solution.  If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.  I love the church, and I want the church to be successful.  I’ve read the end of the Book.  I know that we win. 

The question that I pose is this:  How are you being a part of the solution? 

This weekend was a weekend of healing for so many…the countenance of many of the women that I know has literally changed. And for that, I thank God. It is amazing to watch Him move.

Oh when the saints, oh when the saints, oh when the saints come marching in….oh i want to be in the numbers, when the saints come marching in! As far as I’m concerned, Deuce McAllister deserves a raise. He’s my new hero…seriously.

Well, I’m kicking off the new year in style. This afternoon I had real Asian food for lunch. Yummy! I wish I had the guts to say thank you in Mandarin. Not so much. Maybe next time.

I watched The Holy Grail, but I have to be honest. That’s not really the kind of movie that one can watch by oneself. Now that I think about it, I’m still waiting for my movie night. Hmmm…mental note to self. Put that on the resolutions for ‘07.

I’ve been trying to formulate a proper 2006 post. I don’t know if I can do it. So much happened that I find it very difficult to constrain that amazingness, the magnitude of what God has done in the past six months, let alone the past year. So, I’ll try to highlight a few things, but know for everything I mention, I am leaving out so much.

God stuff
In 2006, I have learned who I am in Christ. I have learned who God is in a new way. I have fallen deeper in love with my Lord each day. God has restored what the locusts have stolen in many areas of my life. He has brought me places that I never thought I would go spiritually. I am learning what intimacy with the Lord really is. I’ve learned how to lean on Him in the good times and in the bad. And, I’m learning not to ask why.

The Sanctuary
I’m not a church groupie. I’ve been there, done that and have the scars on my heart to prove it. But, what I am is a part of something that is so much bigger than myself. God has healed so many areas of my life through this church. I’m not afraid of church, of pastors, of leadership any longer. I admit that I am a little less apt to jump in without much consideration, but all in all, God is amazing. I love my church. I love the people with whom I have the opportunity to worship God on a weekly basis.

The Family
My sister and Tim, after 15 years of “not rushing into anything” and having three kids, finally got married in May. They had a beautiful wedding in Tim’s mom’s back yard. Fun was had by all. My memories of the wedding? Waiting for an hour for the flower woman to arrive at the church to drop off flowers; yelling at Tim to get into the house because he was about to be married; being completely and utterly embarassed when the best man caught the garter and I caught the bouquet and yeah. I’m really proud of my sister and Tim for doing the right thing and getting married.

The Friends
This year reintroduced friends into my life that I thought were out of my life, and it has seen friends leave my life who I thought were in this thing for the long haul. I’m developing new friendships with some amazing people, including my pastor and his wife. God continues to blow my mind in this realm of my life. One area in which I will be growing in 2007 is how to be a friend.

Coming in 2007
My plan, my goal, my desire for 2007 is to grow in intimacy with the Lord, to surrender everything unto Him. I will begin seminary. Other than that, I am jumping into the car, buckling up my seatbelt, getting my hands and feet into the car and enjoying the ride.

Happy New Year my friends!