i was MADE for this

I am amazed at my dedication to celebrating a holiday I’ve never acknowledged before.  

I usually live a pretty boring life.  Work.  Consulting.  Gym.  Little leage baseball.  Tanning.  Reading.  Blogging. Occasionally I go out with my friends.  Usually once every two weeks or so.  I like to pace myself.

This weekend, I filled my quota for about three months of socializing.

I made some new friends.  I became a band groupie.  haha.  I got way too little sleep and had way too much fun.  I saw new parts of Philadelphia.  I had some of the best Chinese food in the city.    My face is posted all over facebook.  

I danced.  Willingly.  Don’t tell anyone.  That has to be our little secret.  

St. Patrick, thank you for chasing all of the snakes out of Ireland.  I had a great time this weekend.

Last night, on my way into the city, I stopped at Wawa for some money.  As I was walking into the store, I noticed minivans and small SUV’s driven by men and women, tired from a long day of carting their kids to and fro.  I, on the other hand, was dressed, preparing for a night out on the town.  Most of the inhabitants of the minivans were my age or younger.

As I drove away, I thought about how much I appreciate my life.  I love that I am single, in my thirties, and enjoying my life.  I’m happy that I don’t have to worry about the day to day workings of a household, making sure that the kids’ lunches are packed, homework is done, dinner is on the table.  I basically have to worry about myself when I’m not in the office.

This morning, though, a part of me feels like I’m a bit behind “schedule.”  I spent my twenties in the church, trying to change the world, affecting very little change in the world or in other people.  I rarely associated with people outside the church circle.  I really thought I was doing good, but in actuality, I kind of feel like my twenties were a wash.  Now, I’m in my thirties, trying to make up for a decade that is gone, wishing I had done so many things differently.

I have an internal dichotomy.  I want what I have, but I also want what I don’t have.  I can’t be both single and in a relationship.  I can’t be childless and have a child.  

For now, I’m going to enjoy what I have…and what I don’t have.

I’m in an ambigous place right now.  

I love my life.  My job(s) are going really well.  I’ve adjusted to the dental industry–specifically in a dental office–fairly well.  Sometimes it still doesn’t feel like a real job.  I love the consultation part of my life.  Planning, executing and seeing the end results are very satisfying to my personality.  I’m comfortable in my own skin now that I know what I’m doing and that I’ve been given the feet to do what I’m doing.

I’m making new friends.  Last night we had a happy hour for Ruminations…it started off…slowly…but ended up to be a fun event.  Then we celebrated a friend’s birthday.  I’m discovering a part of me that I didn’t remember existed.  I can be quite social.  I still prefer to be social in a more intimate setting, but I am getting better at small talk and mingling.  

There is one missing piece to this whole thing that is frustrating.  I know that it’s not the right time right now.  I know that.  But this season of singleness is getting old.  I love the independence of being single.  I’m flying to St. Louis next Friday for the weekend.  I didn’t have to coordinate schedules or ask permission.  But…I would still like to have a person dedicated to sleeping beside me.  I’m not romanticizing anything.  I know that there will be dirty underwear to pick up off the floor.  I know that there will be dishes and garbage and interpersonal conflict.  I’m not under the delusion of the knight in white shining armour any longer.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be held at night.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest…

You know what?  I have a pretty good life. 

I’m going to be 33 in two weeks, and last night I realized something.  I am set in my ways.  I have a good job.  I don’t really answer to anyone.  I enjoy my freedom. 

I had dinner with my friend, and then we went back to his place and sat on his patio for a while.  It was really…nice.  I enjoyed myself and probably could’ve sat on the patio for hours just talking and soaking the scene in. 

HIs friend met up with us and we headed out into the city.  We went to a newer place in Philly called Apothecary.  You couldn’t just order a Heineken in a place like that.  We ordered these fancy schmancy drinks and I was reminded of a spa.  If they added shoulder massages to their menu, I probably would go there at least one a week. 

As we were walking to the next place, I, once again, realized how many single women would probably fall over themselves to be in the situation I was in.  Here I am, me, walking along in the city with two attractive men, one of whom is single, just letting life happen.  I don’t take this for granted…ever.  The thing is that there are moments when the reality of my life hits me, and all I can do is smile.  And wish I wore flats.

I really like my life the way it is.  I don’t want to date or get married to fill an emotional void in my life.  I want to be in a relationship that adds to my life…someone to travel with, someone who I can call when my life is going exceedingly well, or if I just need to hear a friendly voice.

I have an aunt that we say is set in her ways.  She’s in her 70’s, never married, lives alone.  She loves being around people, but she loves going home to be alone.  Who knows…maybe that will be me one day.  I won’t have cats though

The range of responses one receives when writing about singleness is astonishing.  My mom really floored me when she commented on the blog about divorce.  We had a talk about how I know that it’s irrational for me to be afraid of divorce, and how I know that my grandparents loved each other until his death. 

One of the resounding themes of discussions has been that I should enjoy this time in my life.  Perhaps I’ve not been clear on this.  I am enjoying this time in my life.  But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t some struggles.  I don’t want people–married or single–to feel bad for me.  But I also wanted to point out that it’s not necessarily a walk in the park everyday, either.

Recently at work, one of my bosses told me that I really need to take time to see circumstances from the other person’s perspective.  This past series was my attempt in allowing all five of my readers to see things from my circumstances. 

And heck, it’s my blog.  I can write whatever I want, so there. 

It seems that my posts on relationships from my perspective…you know, that of a single gal, seem to be causing a little bit of a stir.

I’m NOT anti-marriage.  I can’t just see some reasons why some people wouldn’t want to get married.

I’m NOT looking to rush into marriage…or into a relationship.  Being single is where I am right now.  That’s not to say that I’m not open to being in a relationship.  But for now, I’m single.  And I’m okay with it.

The timing of this “series” is kind of interesting.  The other day Carlos Whittaker wrote a post asking for gender and relationship status.  And I’ve had a few hits from his site.  I wonder if I’m giving people of the male variety the right impression.  Guess it’s too late to wonder that now   Either way, I’m absolutely entertained.

I know lots of married people that are not happy.  They look at one another with contempt.  They say, verbally or non-verbally, that they wish they had never gotten married.  The mutter the “d” word..divorce, that is.  They fight over the most mundane things–what brand of dish soap is next to the sink, food shopping.  I see a lot of jealousy in marriages which leads to control over phone calls, girls/guys nights out, myspace accounts. 

Of course, I also know a lot of people who are so happily married that it should give even the most cynical person hope.  My next-door neighbors, for example.  They have been married for a very long time.  He’s over 10 years older than she is.  I’ve seen her really heavy and looking really good, and there are times that they way he looks at her makes me absolutely blush.  My parents are another example.  No matter how beat up my father becomes (he works harder than any man I’ve ever met) or how testy my mom is (menopause) their love overcomes everything.

Lest I present myself in too cynical a light, I have to make some comments on the unhappy marriages I’ve witnessed.  Many of the unhappily married people I know got married because of expectations, because of convenience.  I truly believe that there are some people who are just “right” together.  You look at them, and on some intuitive level, you just know that they will work together.  It’s in the body language, the eye contact, the communication between the people.  I am pretty good at this…for better or for worse.  It’s a God-given talent or curse, depending on the situation.

It has been said that the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know.  Would I rather to continue to be single, knowing the challenges, or would I rather be married and risk a level of unhappiness that may or may not come from marriage?  Or will I one day find the one person with whom I am compatable and beat the odds, being like my neighbors and my parents?  Only time will tell!

This weekend I watched the movie 27 Dresses.  It was a pretty good movie.  I currently have a love-hate relationship with romantic comedies because of an ongoing dialogue that I have had for the past few months.

I am a romantic at heart, as much as I fight it.  If only my parents didn’t have such a great story, my life would be a lot easier   I love a good story.  I’m a dreamer, I’m a writer.  I tend to see things as part of a greater narrative rather than as a group of individual events.  I want to see how all of the dots connect together.  I also tend to put myself into movies that I watch.  Maybe I’m childish enough to believe that everything is relatable to my life in some capacity.  I cry on cue in movies, I laugh on cue and somehow, I believe that if it can happen in the movies it can happen to me. 

But, though I would love to be swept up in a great romance, I know that isn’t reality.  People don’t meet, fall in love and get married in 90 minutes, unless they are really drunk, in Vegas and near the chapels.

There are more men like the columnist in 27 Dresses than you can imagine.  I’ve had more conversations with guys who are reticent to marry and commit in the past few months than I can count on all of my digits. Everyone has a valid, logical reason for their fears…I mean logic…I mean fear…I mean logic.  More than 50% of all marriages end in divorce.  Most of the maried people I know aren’t really all that happy.  I’m enjoying single life.  I find myself saying the same things.  And honestly, I kind of think that I am starting to believe some of them. 

So, check out my blog over the next few days as I flesh some of these things out.  Hopefully we can have some sort of conversation.  Talk amongst yourselves.

So, this weekend, I heard for the umpteenth time, Deneen, I think that you are in love with the idea of being in love.

What does that mean?   And why is it that only people who are married say it?

I admit that one day I want to get married and have some kids.  But for now, right now, I am enjoying single life.  I like that I can fly off for a few days and not have to answer to anyone.  I like that I have the freedom to go out and stay out all night and not get into trouble for doing it.  I like that I can decide, at the last minute, to hop in my car and head to the shore for an evening and not have to find a babysitter.

Love and relationships for those over 30 are different.  The people that I hang out with who are single are not in a rush to fall in love and get married.  We are looking for companionship, but we don’t want to rush into a lifelong commitment.  We understand that the world today is different than it was when our parents got married.  Over 50% of marriages today end in divorce.  There is generally not the stigma for people over 30 who are single.  Unless you are from a small town or are active in the church.  Then they openly wonder what is wrong with you. 

So, yes, there are a couple of guys that I am interested in at the moment.  I am a woman.  And human.  But that doesn’t mean that I am in love with the idea of being in love.  It just means that I am made of flesh and blood.  It would be nice to have someone to go to dinner with once in a while; or someone to travel with.

So, please spare me the condescending remarks about being in love with being in love.  Just because I am single does not mean that I want what you have. 

I have had an interesting couple of days. 

I was completely insane for a few days.  I realize, in hindsight, that much of my problem is/was ego and pride.  Until I was able to step out of my situation and look at the trigger of my insanity, I just reacted.  Then I realized that my pride was bruised, causing my reaction.  Being aware of the triggers (hopefully) will help me from reacting in the same manner in the future.  Here’s hoping.

Last night I found myself double-booked.  The little league had a beef-n-beer.  Yeah.  They are not so fun.  My sister and I went together.  It was like high school all over again.  We sat at a table with the two guys who noone else wanted to sit with.  Today we decided that we aren’t the rejects…everyone else was a bunch of rejects.  We honestly had fun just watching the people interact outside of the little league fields.  Maybe next year we’ll stay for the whole thing. 

After the beef-n-beer, I went out in the city with my friends.  One of my friends had never been out at the bars in the city.  We went to my familiar haunts in Rittenhouse Square.  We had some really good Cosmopolitans.  I just enjoyed being in the city with my girl friends.  We met up with one of my guy friends before the girls had to head home.  I wound up going to an after hours club and getting home at 4AM.  Today I promised that when I move to the city, I will open Cafe Deneen in my apartment and serve breakfast after a night out. 

Today I had breakfast and coffee with one of my best friends in the world who currently resides in Cali.  I was so happy to see her that I got teary eyed when I saw her.  We had such a great time just sharing life.  It is so refreshing for me to have the opportunity to just be with someone who knows the best and worst of me and still loves me.  There are so few people in my life about whom I can say that.  I can actually count those people on one hand.  So, for me the visit was bittersweet…so exciting to see her, but so sad to see her go.  The good news is that she is going to be moving to FL…so we’ll be able to meet in Miami for weekends. 

All in all, life is good.  I am developing a friendship with someone who seems to know me better than most people know me.  I really trust him.  He is someone that I completely believe in…I really want to see all of his dreams come true.  He challenges me to believe in myself more as well.  I hope that I do the same for him.  I am enjoying the development of the friendship.  I am enjoying the moments…and not projecting the future.