i was MADE for this

Last night, on my way into the city, I stopped at Wawa for some money.  As I was walking into the store, I noticed minivans and small SUV’s driven by men and women, tired from a long day of carting their kids to and fro.  I, on the other hand, was dressed, preparing for a night out on the town.  Most of the inhabitants of the minivans were my age or younger.

As I drove away, I thought about how much I appreciate my life.  I love that I am single, in my thirties, and enjoying my life.  I’m happy that I don’t have to worry about the day to day workings of a household, making sure that the kids’ lunches are packed, homework is done, dinner is on the table.  I basically have to worry about myself when I’m not in the office.

This morning, though, a part of me feels like I’m a bit behind “schedule.”  I spent my twenties in the church, trying to change the world, affecting very little change in the world or in other people.  I rarely associated with people outside the church circle.  I really thought I was doing good, but in actuality, I kind of feel like my twenties were a wash.  Now, I’m in my thirties, trying to make up for a decade that is gone, wishing I had done so many things differently.

I have an internal dichotomy.  I want what I have, but I also want what I don’t have.  I can’t be both single and in a relationship.  I can’t be childless and have a child.  

For now, I’m going to enjoy what I have…and what I don’t have.

I’m not usually a self-centered person.  I generally consider others’ needs over my own.  I will give and give and give until I have nothing left to give.  I’m not usually an ego person either.  I am willing to do whatever crazy, mundane tasks need to be done to get a group of people from one place to another.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve noticed a subtle transformation of my personality.  I find myself looking out for myself more than others.  I find my ego wreaking havoc on my emotions.  Yesterday I hit bottom.

I had a tough day yesterday.  My ego was bruised and aching.  My self was exalting itself over everyone.  I was emotionally drained to the point of tears.  I was at my wits end.  I don’t even think I spoke to anyone when I got home.  I limped through a few hours and passed out.

This morning as I was driving to work, I realized just how askew my life was.  My problems were not the result of other people, but the result of my wrong perspective.  I was focusing too much on what I wanted, on protecting my ego, and not enough on the people around me.  I am MESSED UP.  I know this.  If you have a 30 second conversation with me, you’ll know it too.  Other people are messed up too.  Noone’s perfect.  We all have issues.  

I went into work with a new attitude. Because  I am the queen of the messed up, soI have to accept every person where they are with no expectation that they are going to change.  I have to be willing to do whatever it takes, with no credit, to make sure that our office moves forward.

Basically, I have to, once again, kill my ego, put others first, put on my big girl pants and be who God created me to be.

I’m a heart person who is driven by emotions.  I don’t know how not to be.  I’ve read books.  I’ve been lectured.  I’ve tried to be rational.

You see, the thing is that, while I am a task oriented achiever, I am also a wordsmith.  There are times that I think in verse.  I wake up at extraordinary times with words running through my head that need to be put on paper.  Like this morning for example.

Wordsmiths are emotional by design.  Let me give you an example.

The man and woman like each other.

The man and woman have a magnetic attraction to one another that is embarassing and at times uncomfortable to witness.

Which sentence evokes something in you that makes you want to keep reading?  The essence of my craft–my night job, if you will–is deeply emotional.  The greatest writers of all time were off balance, to say the least.  I can’t imagine William Shakespeare walking around, feeling nothing, being a rational partaker of the elements.  His comedies had a dark side; his histories romance; his tragedies beautiful and painful to read.

My passion is writing.  Writing keeps me sane by allowing me to unleash controlled insanity.  Emotions are necessary to the writer.  Noone wants to read a passionless book.  Unless it’s a technical manual or a textbook on human anatomy.

I’m in an ambigous place right now.  

I love my life.  My job(s) are going really well.  I’ve adjusted to the dental industry–specifically in a dental office–fairly well.  Sometimes it still doesn’t feel like a real job.  I love the consultation part of my life.  Planning, executing and seeing the end results are very satisfying to my personality.  I’m comfortable in my own skin now that I know what I’m doing and that I’ve been given the feet to do what I’m doing.

I’m making new friends.  Last night we had a happy hour for Ruminations…it started off…slowly…but ended up to be a fun event.  Then we celebrated a friend’s birthday.  I’m discovering a part of me that I didn’t remember existed.  I can be quite social.  I still prefer to be social in a more intimate setting, but I am getting better at small talk and mingling.  

There is one missing piece to this whole thing that is frustrating.  I know that it’s not the right time right now.  I know that.  But this season of singleness is getting old.  I love the independence of being single.  I’m flying to St. Louis next Friday for the weekend.  I didn’t have to coordinate schedules or ask permission.  But…I would still like to have a person dedicated to sleeping beside me.  I’m not romanticizing anything.  I know that there will be dirty underwear to pick up off the floor.  I know that there will be dishes and garbage and interpersonal conflict.  I’m not under the delusion of the knight in white shining armour any longer.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be held at night.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest…

I am so over winter.  

I want to be at the beach, sun warming my skin, the smell of brine encompassing my being, the wind flowing through my hair, baby clams nibbling at my toes.  

I want to go to baseball games, walk through the city while everyone else is at the beach.  I want to lounge in our backyard pool, barbeque some food, take some weekend trips.

I want to have allergy attacks near every newly mown lawn, sneeze as the flowers bloom, eat Claritin like candy.  

I want to drink iced coffee drinks, slushy margaritas and ice cold beer.

I am so over winter.

There is a voice that is within every woman that asks, “Am I lovely?”  After 33 years of research, I believe that question arises almost as soon as a female baby enters the world.  Every woman I know seeks an answer to that question, whether it is conscious or subconscious.

When I was a kid, I always sought the approval of the men in my life–my father, my grandfathers and my great grandfather.  I collected baseball cards and coins.  I chopped wood and went fishing.  I played tennis and watched football.  I did what I thought I needed to do to get their attention.

I started emotionally eating at a young age…about the same age that I discovered that I could escape in a good book.  Because I wasn’t getting a yes on the, “Am I lovely” question, I filled the hole that was left with all kinds of food–salty, sweet, savory.  

As a teenager and an adult, I found the answer even more fleeting.  In high school, boys would ask me to help them with homework, to study for tough subjects rather than asking me out.  I learned that doing tasks made me desirable.  As an adult, I’ve learned that helping people makes me indispensible.  

The irony of the deep rooted question is that the answer is not found in other people.  It can only be found within.  I could be the most breathtakingly beautiful woman in the world, but if I don’t know my intrinsic value and my deep beauty, noone will be able to convince me of my loveliness.  More importantly, there is One who is enthralled by my beauty. Check out Psalm 45 (from biblegateway.com):

¹ My heart is stirred by a noble theme 
       as I recite my verses for the king; 
       my tongue is the pen of a skillful writer.

 ² You are the most excellent of men 
       and your lips have been anointed with grace, 
       since God has blessed you forever.

 ³ Gird your sword upon your side, O mighty one; 
       clothe yourself with splendor and majesty.

 ⁴ In your majesty ride forth victoriously 
       in behalf of truth, humility and righteousness; 
       let your right hand display awesome deeds.

 ⁵ Let your sharp arrows pierce the hearts of the king’s enemies; 
       let the nations fall beneath your feet.

 ⁶ Your throne, O God, will last for ever and ever; 
       a scepter of justice will be the scepter of your kingdom.

 ⁷ You love righteousness and hate wickedness; 
       therefore God, your God, has set you above your companions 
       by anointing you with the oil of joy.

 ⁸ All your robes are fragrant with myrrh and aloes and cassia; 
       from palaces adorned with ivory 
       the music of the strings makes you glad.

 ⁹ Daughters of kings are among your honored women; 
       at your right hand is the royal bride in gold of Ophir.

 ¹⁰ Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear: 
       Forget your people and your father’s house.

 ¹¹ The king is enthralled by your beauty; 
       honor him, for he is your lord.

 ¹² The Daughter of Tyre will come with a gift, 
       men of wealth will seek your favor.

 ¹³ All glorious is the princess within her chamber ; 
       her gown is interwoven with gold.

 ¹⁴ In embroidered garments she is led to the king; 
       her virgin companions follow her 
       and are brought to you.

 ¹⁵ They are led in with joy and gladness; 
       they enter the palace of the king.

 ¹⁶ Your sons will take the place of your fathers; 
       you will make them princes throughout the land.

 ¹⁷ I will perpetuate your memory through all generations; 
       therefore the nations will praise you for ever and ever.

 

I’m sitting here in my pj’s on a Sunday morning just like any other Sunday morning.

But there’s something different.  I don’t want to be relaxing today.  I want to be doing.  I want to be a part of something much larger than I.  

I am really upset that I can’t find a church to be a part of here in NJ/PA.  I don’t want to blind-date churches.  I’ve been in bad long-term relationships with churches.  I want a church match-maker to say to me, “Deneen, this is a great church for you to plant yourself in.  Your gifts can add to the congregation in this way.  The church will benefit you in this way.”  If I had a match-maker, I would take his/her advice and see what’s going on.  

Maybe I’m lazy.  Maybe I just need this time of wanting to be a part of a church so that when I finally find a place to be planted, I’ll fully appreciate it.  Maybe I’ve been hurt so deeply that I’ll never fully invest in a church again.

Or maybe I need to think outside of the box and check out an internet campus.  Check.

When you are completely ensconced in the church–when you eat, breathe, live the church, you are safe and protected.  Yes, there are still human issues, but you generally deal with church people.  You usually live a pretty regular life.  You go to work (if you have a job outside of the church) form 9-5, head to church for at least one mid-week service, one mid-week meeting.  Over the weekend, you attend at least one church service, sometimes two if you have a Sunday night service that is different from the regular Sunday morning service.  

Life is basically safe.  There’s not much room for error.  If you are single, you are always hanging out with either married people in the church or other singles in the church.  Guarding your heart is not even a question.  It’s a requirement.

When you leave the safety of the church, things get messy.  You hang out with people who are not homogenized by the church.  Issues arise within you and between you and people that are not discussed in a Sunday morning service.  Sometimes your days start at 5:20 AM and end at 3:30 AM.  

Sometimes you want to stay with everything inside of you even though you have to go.  Sometimes you have to stay when you want to run.  Sometimes you have to fight hell for what you want, for what is yours.  Literally.

Right now, life is messy and full of grey areas.  I don’t do well in grey.  

You know what?  I wouldn’t change one thing about my life.

Sometimes I really wonder how people can question the existence of God.  Some would say that I believe in a fairytale.  Others that I am brainwashed.  To those people, I say pshaw.  Yeah…I did just pull out a Little House on the Prairie term.  Take that

In August I took a road trip.  I traveled from NJ to MA and spent a few days in my beloved New England.  Then I traveled from MA to Syracuse, NY.  While in MA, I took some photos of random things that reminded me of who I am.  I am obsessed with three things–from a photography standpoint, at least–benches, stairs and doorways. 

Doorways represent new beginnings and endings.  Both are good things in due season. 

Stairs represent movement from one level to another.  Either up or down.  Both are good in due season. 

Benches represent rest.  Rest is a good thing.  Even God took a day of rest after He created the earth. Something I’m learning is that rest does not mean inaction.  Rest means trusting in God…trusting that He truly knows what is best for me.

The other day I was at my wits end, so I sent a tweet out to the world, asking for prayer.  You know what happened?  God answered my prayers, and the prayers of my tweets.  Today I find myself still, knowing that He is God. 

I am enjoying this moment…and I truly look forward to 2009.  I only see bright skies ahead.  The best is yet to come.

I love football season.  I am in my glory today…football of some sort has been on the television since 11AM.  I’ve been dying since I heard about Tom Brady’s knee injury.  Part of me wants to believe that he’ll bounce back and be on the field next weekend, ready to lead the team to the Superbowl.  But–the realistic part of me is worried that it’s a season-ending injury.  Matt Cassel did a good job this weekend, so there is hope for the season.

But, you know what?  As much as I love football, there are things in life that are more important.  It’s not that I didn’t know it. 

There are real people, who have real issues, who are living real lives in the real world.  People in the tropical islands are being decimated this year with the steady stream of tropical storms that have pummeled them.  The Gulf Coast of the US is holding its collective breath, waiting to see what path Ike is going to take.  I know that the governor of Louisiana is preparing for the worst, hoping for the best. 

I have been digging deep for the last few days, trying to answer questions that have been raised to me, questions that I have asked myself.  I feel like I’m looking at myself in the mirror and trying to come to answer questions that are not quantifiable.  If you were to ask me what happens when sodium and chlorine react, I could tell you that sodium chloride (table salt) and heat are produced.  We could get the elements, perform the experiment, and get a quantifiable result.  If you asked me how to drive from Woodbury, NJ to Boston, MA, I could give you step by step directions, including good places to stop if you need to use the restroom, grab a quick Starbucks coffee or just take a nice break from your drive.  You can go online and make sure that my directions are accurate–if there is actually a Starbucks off that exit of the Merritt Parkway, etc.  But if you ask me why bad things happen to good people, I can answer you, providing Biblical references.  If you don’t believe that the Bible is true, are my answers then quantifiable?  If you ask me if God exists, I can tell you what I believe and explain to you why I believe what I believe.  But, how can you quantify, how can I prove, that what I’ve said to you is true? 

Again, I pose the question to you, why do you believe what you believe?