i was MADE for this

Last night, on my way into the city, I stopped at Wawa for some money.  As I was walking into the store, I noticed minivans and small SUV’s driven by men and women, tired from a long day of carting their kids to and fro.  I, on the other hand, was dressed, preparing for a night out on the town.  Most of the inhabitants of the minivans were my age or younger.

As I drove away, I thought about how much I appreciate my life.  I love that I am single, in my thirties, and enjoying my life.  I’m happy that I don’t have to worry about the day to day workings of a household, making sure that the kids’ lunches are packed, homework is done, dinner is on the table.  I basically have to worry about myself when I’m not in the office.

This morning, though, a part of me feels like I’m a bit behind “schedule.”  I spent my twenties in the church, trying to change the world, affecting very little change in the world or in other people.  I rarely associated with people outside the church circle.  I really thought I was doing good, but in actuality, I kind of feel like my twenties were a wash.  Now, I’m in my thirties, trying to make up for a decade that is gone, wishing I had done so many things differently.

I have an internal dichotomy.  I want what I have, but I also want what I don’t have.  I can’t be both single and in a relationship.  I can’t be childless and have a child.  

For now, I’m going to enjoy what I have…and what I don’t have.

I’m in an ambigous place right now.  

I love my life.  My job(s) are going really well.  I’ve adjusted to the dental industry–specifically in a dental office–fairly well.  Sometimes it still doesn’t feel like a real job.  I love the consultation part of my life.  Planning, executing and seeing the end results are very satisfying to my personality.  I’m comfortable in my own skin now that I know what I’m doing and that I’ve been given the feet to do what I’m doing.

I’m making new friends.  Last night we had a happy hour for Ruminations…it started off…slowly…but ended up to be a fun event.  Then we celebrated a friend’s birthday.  I’m discovering a part of me that I didn’t remember existed.  I can be quite social.  I still prefer to be social in a more intimate setting, but I am getting better at small talk and mingling.  

There is one missing piece to this whole thing that is frustrating.  I know that it’s not the right time right now.  I know that.  But this season of singleness is getting old.  I love the independence of being single.  I’m flying to St. Louis next Friday for the weekend.  I didn’t have to coordinate schedules or ask permission.  But…I would still like to have a person dedicated to sleeping beside me.  I’m not romanticizing anything.  I know that there will be dirty underwear to pick up off the floor.  I know that there will be dishes and garbage and interpersonal conflict.  I’m not under the delusion of the knight in white shining armour any longer.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be held at night.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest…

There is a voice that is within every woman that asks, “Am I lovely?”  After 33 years of research, I believe that question arises almost as soon as a female baby enters the world.  Every woman I know seeks an answer to that question, whether it is conscious or subconscious.

When I was a kid, I always sought the approval of the men in my life–my father, my grandfathers and my great grandfather.  I collected baseball cards and coins.  I chopped wood and went fishing.  I played tennis and watched football.  I did what I thought I needed to do to get their attention.

I started emotionally eating at a young age…about the same age that I discovered that I could escape in a good book.  Because I wasn’t getting a yes on the, “Am I lovely” question, I filled the hole that was left with all kinds of food–salty, sweet, savory.  

As a teenager and an adult, I found the answer even more fleeting.  In high school, boys would ask me to help them with homework, to study for tough subjects rather than asking me out.  I learned that doing tasks made me desirable.  As an adult, I’ve learned that helping people makes me indispensible.  

The irony of the deep rooted question is that the answer is not found in other people.  It can only be found within.  I could be the most breathtakingly beautiful woman in the world, but if I don’t know my intrinsic value and my deep beauty, noone will be able to convince me of my loveliness.  More importantly, there is One who is enthralled by my beauty. Check out Psalm 45 (from biblegateway.com):

¹ My heart is stirred by a noble theme 
       as I recite my verses for the king; 
       my tongue is the pen of a skillful writer.

 ² You are the most excellent of men 
       and your lips have been anointed with grace, 
       since God has blessed you forever.

 ³ Gird your sword upon your side, O mighty one; 
       clothe yourself with splendor and majesty.

 ⁴ In your majesty ride forth victoriously 
       in behalf of truth, humility and righteousness; 
       let your right hand display awesome deeds.

 ⁵ Let your sharp arrows pierce the hearts of the king’s enemies; 
       let the nations fall beneath your feet.

 ⁶ Your throne, O God, will last for ever and ever; 
       a scepter of justice will be the scepter of your kingdom.

 ⁷ You love righteousness and hate wickedness; 
       therefore God, your God, has set you above your companions 
       by anointing you with the oil of joy.

 ⁸ All your robes are fragrant with myrrh and aloes and cassia; 
       from palaces adorned with ivory 
       the music of the strings makes you glad.

 ⁹ Daughters of kings are among your honored women; 
       at your right hand is the royal bride in gold of Ophir.

 ¹⁰ Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear: 
       Forget your people and your father’s house.

 ¹¹ The king is enthralled by your beauty; 
       honor him, for he is your lord.

 ¹² The Daughter of Tyre will come with a gift, 
       men of wealth will seek your favor.

 ¹³ All glorious is the princess within her chamber ; 
       her gown is interwoven with gold.

 ¹⁴ In embroidered garments she is led to the king; 
       her virgin companions follow her 
       and are brought to you.

 ¹⁵ They are led in with joy and gladness; 
       they enter the palace of the king.

 ¹⁶ Your sons will take the place of your fathers; 
       you will make them princes throughout the land.

 ¹⁷ I will perpetuate your memory through all generations; 
       therefore the nations will praise you for ever and ever.

 

When you are completely ensconced in the church–when you eat, breathe, live the church, you are safe and protected.  Yes, there are still human issues, but you generally deal with church people.  You usually live a pretty regular life.  You go to work (if you have a job outside of the church) form 9-5, head to church for at least one mid-week service, one mid-week meeting.  Over the weekend, you attend at least one church service, sometimes two if you have a Sunday night service that is different from the regular Sunday morning service.  

Life is basically safe.  There’s not much room for error.  If you are single, you are always hanging out with either married people in the church or other singles in the church.  Guarding your heart is not even a question.  It’s a requirement.

When you leave the safety of the church, things get messy.  You hang out with people who are not homogenized by the church.  Issues arise within you and between you and people that are not discussed in a Sunday morning service.  Sometimes your days start at 5:20 AM and end at 3:30 AM.  

Sometimes you want to stay with everything inside of you even though you have to go.  Sometimes you have to stay when you want to run.  Sometimes you have to fight hell for what you want, for what is yours.  Literally.

Right now, life is messy and full of grey areas.  I don’t do well in grey.  

You know what?  I wouldn’t change one thing about my life.

I love talking with people who challenge me.  I love talking with people who have great questions.  I love people whose questions challenge the core of what I believe.  I love questions that are asked, out loud, that I have asked internally but have never asked for fear of judgment.

For so long, I’ve believed what I’ve been taught.  Or at least I’ve reiterated what I’ve been taught.  Some of the things that I’ve been taught just can’t be found in the book that they are supposed to be based on.  You may have heard of it.  It’s called the Bible.

Before I go on, I have to give a disclaimer:  I’m pointing out my failings, not only yours.  If you take my words personally, as an offense, perhaps you should check your own heart before you come out swinging.  Just saying.

From various conversations that I have had with various people, I am beginning to conclude that the Church is causing people to be agnostic/atheist. 

WHAT?  Did she really just say that?  Why ever would a *gasp* Christian say such a thing?  Obviously she is living a life of sin and depravity and cannot see what the Truth really is.  Let me call all of my friends so that we can “pray” for her.

Oops…sorry…that was an insight into my mind.  Scary place.  I’ve warned you before.

Why can’t the church get together and come up with one story to tell people?  Seriously…why does it matter whether I wear a skirt, jeans, slacks to church?  Do the lights that you have flashing all over really make you more attractive to the people that you are supposed to be reaching, or does the lights make you feel more hip? 

How about this.  Let’s put pride aside and, as a group, look at the Bible, using whatever version you think is holy, and come up with some doctrine that we all follow.  Presbyterians, Methodists, Lutherans, non-denominationals, the other three hundred branches of Christianity there are that I didn’t mention.  Let’s get together and be the church.  We can have different styles of worship, but WE CANNOT CONTINUE BEATING ONE ANOTHER UP.

Let’s stop casting stones.  My Bible says that all sin is equal.  The murders and child molestors in the maximum security prison are no more sinners than you were the other day when you looked lustfully at that person that is not your spouse. 

Jesus wasn’t actually born on Christmas.  Easter should coincide with Passover, since my Bible says that Jesus was crucified on the Friday of Passover.  The sabbath is supposed to be on Friday, not on Sunday. 

Why do we believe what we are told from the pulpit?  Have any of us really tested the words that were spoken?  Have you gone to your concordance consistently on a Sunday afternoon to make sure that what your pastor said stands up to theological scrutiny? 

Some of the conversations that I have had recently have forever changed the way that I see life, that I see church.  I’ve been scarred by the church, but I’ve not lost my faith.  I know some people who’ve rarely set foot in a church who have been run away from Christianity because we can’t get our story straight.  That, my friends, keeps me up at night.  Literally.

I love football season.  I am in my glory today…football of some sort has been on the television since 11AM.  I’ve been dying since I heard about Tom Brady’s knee injury.  Part of me wants to believe that he’ll bounce back and be on the field next weekend, ready to lead the team to the Superbowl.  But–the realistic part of me is worried that it’s a season-ending injury.  Matt Cassel did a good job this weekend, so there is hope for the season.

But, you know what?  As much as I love football, there are things in life that are more important.  It’s not that I didn’t know it. 

There are real people, who have real issues, who are living real lives in the real world.  People in the tropical islands are being decimated this year with the steady stream of tropical storms that have pummeled them.  The Gulf Coast of the US is holding its collective breath, waiting to see what path Ike is going to take.  I know that the governor of Louisiana is preparing for the worst, hoping for the best. 

I have been digging deep for the last few days, trying to answer questions that have been raised to me, questions that I have asked myself.  I feel like I’m looking at myself in the mirror and trying to come to answer questions that are not quantifiable.  If you were to ask me what happens when sodium and chlorine react, I could tell you that sodium chloride (table salt) and heat are produced.  We could get the elements, perform the experiment, and get a quantifiable result.  If you asked me how to drive from Woodbury, NJ to Boston, MA, I could give you step by step directions, including good places to stop if you need to use the restroom, grab a quick Starbucks coffee or just take a nice break from your drive.  You can go online and make sure that my directions are accurate–if there is actually a Starbucks off that exit of the Merritt Parkway, etc.  But if you ask me why bad things happen to good people, I can answer you, providing Biblical references.  If you don’t believe that the Bible is true, are my answers then quantifiable?  If you ask me if God exists, I can tell you what I believe and explain to you why I believe what I believe.  But, how can you quantify, how can I prove, that what I’ve said to you is true? 

Again, I pose the question to you, why do you believe what you believe?

One of my favorite Bible stories is Noah.  At the end of the 40 days and 40 nights of rain, flooding, overall destruction of the world, God shows Noah a rainbow.  God tells Noah that the rainbow is His promise that the world will never again be destroyed by a flood.  Everytime I see a rainbow, I have a sense of peace knowing that it represents a promise of God.

I’ve had this recurring *thing* in my life..a fear that plagues me like none other.  This weekend, I was especially plagued by this fear to the point that I dreamed about it.  Yesterday, as I was washing my car, I saw a rainbow and God made a promise to me, that I had no reason to allow this fear into my life.  He said to me, “Deneen, I will not allow *that* to occur in your life again.”  I believed what He said…barely.

This morning, I got the email that I have been dreading.  I did some investigation, and it turns out that things are not nearly as bad as they were in my mind.  After I discovered this, I heard, “Deneen, what did I promise you?“

It wasn’t an I-told-you-so moment.  It was the gentle voice of a Father, reminding His child that His word is true.

I’m going to stop referring to myself as a hypocrite.  Decided that as I was deciding upon a title to this post.  That took a lot of energy…just kidding

I’ve been posting anecdotes that I find a bit funny at a new website.  Check out my ruminations at www.ruminations.com/deneenwhite.  A few other people in the world–besides me–find me funny. 

Saturday as I was being all sorts of introspective, I came upon another issue that I have.  I am attracted to men with a certain physique.  Don’t judge me.  We all have our types.  For so many years, I’ve hidden behind my body, dismissing people because they couldn’t “see my inner beauty.”  I’ve come face to face with this realization countless times, making the commitment to eat better, to exercise, to do whatever it takes to have less to hide behind. 

Saturday, after coming face to face with yet another skeleton in my closet, I got up, put on my shoes and swooshie pants (not in that order) and went for a walk.  And I did the same yesterday.  Today, I took the stairs up and down, everytime I left my floor.  And I parked as far away as possible.  Long story short…I am making better decisions.  Guess I’ll be switching over to…it hurts me to say it…Light Beer.  I’ll have to stick to Heineken Light and Sam Adams Light and Corona Light since they are the only light beers that taste like beer. 

Ewww…does that make me a girl?

Today I realized that I am hypocritical.  I know that doesn’t surprise many of you

I’ve had an extended dialogue about dating that has been going on for months now.  Literally months.  I keep talking about how dating is good…how people shouldn’t be afraid of dating.  Then I realized that it’s not like I’ve been dating.  Duh.

I have friends that I hang out with.  But noone that I am specifically dating.  Here is my justification of my hypocrisy.  I am not the type of person who would be able to juggle seeing a different people.  It’s not my personality.

If you look at my pool of friends, it’s pretty small.  Again, I’ve been that way my whole life.  I don’t really require a whole bunch of people in my life.  I like people, but I like my alone time aka solitude just as much, if not more. 

When I do begin a relationship…if I don’t turn into the crazy cat lady that I referenced in my previous post…I am going to require alone time.  A lot of alone time.  I enjoy going out, but I enjoy sitting at home sipping a glass of wine with an intimate group as well.  I want to meet someone who won’t need me to be around all of the time.  Because I’m sure that there will be days that I need to regroup by heading, by myself, to the beach to contemplate the consistency and constancy of the crashing waves. 

I don’t always require conversation.  I write better than I communicate verbally.  Sometimes, when I’m in a group of people, I can’t think of one thing that I really want to say.  But…there are also times when I need to talk things out.  Sometimes I don’t need a solution, I just need an ear.  But, despite the fact that I am so independent, sometimes I do need the solution.

Don’t know why I’m making all of these confessions. 

I guess it’s a good thing that my core group of friends is relatively low maintenance.  If they were, they would be acquaintances, not intimate friends.

Work is a huge struggle right now.  I feel trapped.  I feel like I’m suffocating.  I am torn in half. 

I love my job—it’s the “stuff” that is going along with it that I can not take. 

My department is repeatedly receiving emails questioning our diligence and our time management skills.  Our managers are on the road, supposed to be selling our wares, so we are in different locations. 

I understand and appreciate accountability.  I welcome accountability.  But accountability is holding me responsible for my actions—or lack thereof if that is applicable.  It is not accusing me of not working the correct number of hours; it is not making me feel guilty for leaving the office for a few minutes.

There is the question of integrity.  Let your yes be yes and your no be no.  In the business world, if you give someone your word, you should follow through with it.  If you promise someone a certain amount of money, it should be supplied.  If you say that you are going to do something, you should do it.  Unfortunately, in the climate of the world right now, you have to get everything in writing. 

Right now I’m torn in half.  I have this problem—I am very defensive of people I care about.  Like a lioness.  It’s really not something that I can control.  It is actually one of the qualities that I really like about me.  So I find myself protecting those I care about.  I do it without any agenda…just because that it who I am.  One day it may bite me on the butt.  That is a risk that I am willing to take.  At the end of the day, I can look myself in the mirror.  And I can sleep through the night.