i was MADE for this

I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I don’t have a poker face.  But…I also don’t do vulnerability well.

Last night I sent an SOS to my female, life-long, heart-to-heart friends.  It was difficult.  One of my friends called me immediately.  I was on the phone until 1:11 AM.  I am exhausted, but it was the most valuable time I’ve spent in a long time.

It’s amazing how just hearing my friends’ voices and reading their texts reminded me of who I really am.

I am not an insecure crazy person.  I am a secure woman who knows who she is through and through.  I am not a desperate woman who is willing to settle for any guy who is willing to take her home for the night.  I am a woman who is willing to wait–and do the work in the interim–for the right man to recognize her as his wife.

I am not a person who takes and takes and takes.  I am a person who has sewn good seed into the lives of many people.  It may be my season of reaping rather than sowing, but that doesn’t make me less of a person, it makes me a human.

My life was bought at a high price.  I have been given a LOT in my life.  To whom much is given, much is required.  That means that I am held to a higher standard than other people.  This higher standard doesnt make me better or more important than others; it is actually with a deep sense of responsibility that I make that statement.  One day I will have to account for what I’ve done with what I’ve been given.

God has blessed me beyond comprehension.  I see that.  I know that.  I do not take that for granted.

God has placed someone in my daily life who believes in me and invests in me, even when I am pretending to be the crazy, insane lunatic who takes things overly personal.  God has placed women in my life who hold up my arms when I cannot and whose arms I hold up when they cannot.

The best part of my emotional breakdown yesterday is that I know I’m not crazy.  The things that God shows me and has shown me in the past are coming to pass.  It may not be my time or your time yet, but please do not worry.  Fot the time is coming.

Maybe I should be vulnerable more often…

I find it difficult to receive unconditional love.  I have trouble asking for help.  I have a huge pride/ego issue.

I remember the first time someone called me arrogant.  I was so highly offended that I was speechless.  Imagine that…me speechless.  I was shocked.

Looking back, that person was the most honest person I’ve ever had in my life.  I have another honest person in my life who doesn’t let me off the hook when I’m being irrational.  He keeps after me, poking at my sore spot until I realize that it’s something that needs to be dealt with.  While I don’t appreciate the poking while it’s going on, I certainly appreciate the awareness of the issues that are going on in my life.

These strongholds have been my companions for nearly 34 years.  First of all, it’s very difficult to acknowledge them for what they are…poison to my emotional and physical well-being.  Secondly, it’s difficult to let them go.  For worse or worser, it is through these strongholds that I’ve found a part of my identity.

Today should’ve been one of the best days of my life.  Any healthy, sane person would’ve been on top of the world.  I found myself crying.  I did something that I never do.  I asked my friends for help.  And you know what?  They came through.

You know what?  I can’t do it all.  And…that is OK.  I’m not meant to do it all.  If I were, then I’d be the only person on earth.  You know what?  I’m not.  There are billions of people on earth.  You know what that tells me?  That we all have to do this thing together.

Last night, I had wine with friends at a Center City wine bar after the fireworks.

Across the street from this fancy pants wine bar there were prostitutes.  Apparently the corner across from where I was sitting is where the “training” happens.  I can’t–or don’t want to–comprehend what that means.  What I do know is that women were raising their skirts to expose their undergarments.  A woman was using a column of a building for a pole dance.  Men picked women up, raped them, paid them and dropped them back off.

Please don’t fight me on the word rape.  Sex for money is rape.

I know that it’s popular to pretend that women choose prostitution as a vocation.  Maybe it’s even becoming politically correct to think this.  This train of thought makes me want to punch the person saying it in the throat.

You see, I am a woman. I’ve had lots of dreams about my future…I’ve wanted to be a teacher, a doctor, a chemical engineer, an evangelist, a missionary to Africa, a pharmacist.  I dream of writing the next Great American novel.  I’ve had dreams about marrying a wonderful man, getting a huge diamond ring, living in a huge house with a white picket fence, 2.5 children and a dog.  I’ve had dreams of traveling the world with the man that I love.

But one thing I’ve never dreamed of is being a prostitute. It’s not a box that you check off in high school when you’re talking to your guidance counselor about potential career choices. Doctor, lawyer, teacher, prostitute, trash collector, chemical engineer.

If you don’t believe me, take a poll of little girls that you know. Go to the best neighborhood you know, go to the worst neighborhood you know.  Ask every little girl what they dream of being when they grow up.  I’m willing to bet all of my future earnings that not one will say prostitute.

What other people think is amusing breaks my heart into a million pieces.  I know that I need to do something for these women.  I know that I have been placed in this place at this time to make a difference.  I just don’t know what I can do.  Please pray for me…for me to find my small part in putting a stop to the global sex trade right here in Philadelphia.

I love Independence Day.  I am a huge fan of the US.  I know that we have many, many flaws.  But I thank God that He placed me in this country for such a time as this.

I love fireworks.  I love the beautiful colors with patriotic music in the background.  This year, I went to see the fireworks on Benjamin Franklin Parkway in Philadelphia.  After we arrived at our destination, and the fireworks started, I was enthralled.

This year, Independence Day has a greater significance to me.  This year, on Independence Day, something happened in my life that I didn’t realize until I was debriefing with my mom.  A major healing happened between me and my grandmother.

My grandmother was never your sterotypical grandmom.  We didn’t spend a lot of time with her, and frankly, she was never the warmest person to me.  I always knew that she loved me, but I never really thought that she liked me.  The backstory is that she my youngest aunt was almost 5 years old when I was born.  My grandmother was raising a kid while my mother was raising me.  As a child, I didn’t comprehend this.  I just felt rejection.

This weekend, though, I spent time with my grandmother, and we talked.  She expressed frustration because she wasn’t able to be a grandmother to me.  In that moment, 33 years of rejected and hardness that I’ve felt toward my grandmother melted.  In that moment, I understood.  God healed a relationship that was broken before I was born.

From this point forward, I will consider Independence Day the birthday of my relationship with my grandmom.  Whenever I see fireworks, I will smile and think of my grandmom.

I have leadership on the brain right now.  If you take a look at your life, there are always situations in which you can be a leader.  If you followed my twitter feed tonight I went on a role about leadership.

Leadership is intentional.  Some people are born leaders…you know, the bossy little kid who organizes all of the other little kids to play games, etc.  Other people have to learn leadership skills…the kids who would follow their friends off a bridge with no questions asked.  Noone is such an amazing leader that he/she cannot stand to learn something new.

Here are a few things that I’ve learned over the past few months.

Positive reinforcement is not optional.  It’s ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.  I work with a bunch of young people.  Most of them don’t have much work experience outside of our office or the dental field.  One of my main points of interaction with the assistants in our office is that I ask them for x-ray duplication.  From the start, I always write a note with a smiley face…corny but effective.  I make sure that they know how much I appreciate their help because they possess a skill that I do not have.  I explain to them that they are helping our office get paid when I send these xrays to an insurance company.  I generally don’t wait too long for xrays to be duplicated.  I joke around with the assistants.  When they do a good job, I let them know it.  Yesterday, without asking, two of the assistants were helping me with random tasks.  I let them know they are appreciated, and they help me without me asking.

People really don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. If I had a dollar for everytime I was told this, I would be a millionaire.  But it is 100% valid and a completely invaluable concept.  Most of the time, when I ask someone how they are in the morning, I want to know.  If someone is having a down day, I try to make them laugh.  Laughing releases chemicals that positively affect you physically.  I really care about my coworkers.  My goal wherever I go is to leave a positive mark on people’s lives.  It is my goal to deposit into lives instead of withdrawling.  Sometimes making a deposit is painful.  Sometimes you have to tell people what they don’t want to hear..it will feel like a withdrawal, but it’s really a long-term deposit.

There is a difference between delegating and dumping. When you delegate a task, you give that person the authority to do the task that has been assigned.  Sometimes delegating means giving someone a task that you like to do…something that will help that person grow in some capacity–personally, professionally.  Delegating a task adds value to the person to whom you are delegating.  The success–or at times failure–of that task belongs to the person to whom you’ve delegated.  Dumping is giving someone a task you loathe so that you don’t have to do it.  Dumping is asking someone to do a task that is more of a burden than a learning experience for the person.

Micromanagement is not leadership. Micromanagement diminishes people’s value.  If you ask me to do a task, but then do the task yourself within minutes, you have told me that I am not capable of doing what you’ve asked me to do.  You’ve just made me less likely to do a task for you in a timely manner because now I expect that you are going to do the task anyway.  If you give me a task with a deadline and continuously check my progress, you are micromanaging.  I think that micromanagement is one of the most toxic things a leader can do.

You have to learn to step on their shoes without losing their shine. One of the most prevalent mistakes that I have come across in the past 15+ years in the work force is that leaders make rash decisions to correct mistakes instead of investing in people enough to add value to them while correcting mistakes.  Immature and insecure leaders tend to be the most guilty of this.  This is 100% an acquired skill.  As a leader, there are going to be times when you have to correct people who are following you.  And there are times when you yourself are going to need correction.  The trick is to reinforce good behaviour, correct bad behaviour and have the person leave your presence feeling like something positive has happened.  You have to step on their toes without diminishing their shine.

For me, leadership means investing in people. You don’t need a title to be a leader.  You just have to invest in the success of other people.  When I die and face God, I want Him to look at me and say, “Well done my good and faithful servant.”  That means investing in other people.  That means serving other people.  That means allowing other people to invest in me.  If I get to the point wherein I don’t allow anyone to speak to my strengths and weaknesses, then I am in a state of atrophy.

I laugh at inappropriate times.  Sometimes it’s because I’m nervous.  Other times, it is because I find the most inappropriate things HILAROUS.  Like when I walk into walls.  Or when someone I know is in an uncomfortable position.

I am a fan of movies I should not be proud of loving.  Take The Holy Grail for example.  I can find an appropriate quote from that movie for any situation.  And crack myself up.  Sometimes people laugh with me.  Most of the time, people laugh at me laughing at myself.  Or they just laugh at me.

Tonight I saw The Hangover.  Would I want a child of mine watching that movie before th age of 35?  Heck no.  Did I laugh almost constantly for 80 of the 90 minutes.  Yes.  There are so many one liners that I don’t even know where to begin.  My favorite part of the movie is the dentist with the missing tooth.  He kind of reminds me of someone I know…which is making me laugh even as I type this blog.

God has given me the gift of laughter.  I love to laugh.  I have a laugh that is known.  I’ve been to taped conferences, and friends tell me months after that they hear me laughing on the tape.  (Maybe that makes my laugh obnoxious, not just known…you be the judge.)

I laugh a lot at work as well.  Sometimes finding something to laugh at is the only way I can deal with tense moments.  Or overly emotional moments.  I have a tough job at times.  In six months, I’ve made three people cry.  There are times when I have to deliver news to people that literally brings them to tears.  My knee jerk reaction is to cry with them.  I’ve trained myself to find a way to make the person laugh.

In The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle says that you should accept moments as if you’ve chosen them.  For me to take that piece of advice, I have to laugh at a lot of circumstances.  And pretend that I’m starring in my own sitcom that I’ve not been told is being taped.

Welcome to Crazy Land

I have a recurring sickness in my life.  It is called worry.  I think it is the way that I was conditioned.  I have always worried what people think about me, whether or not I am living up to expectations.  I worry about things that are completely irrational.

Recently, I started reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.  You’d be amazed at the cautionary tales I’ve heard regarding the book from well-meaning people.  One of the things I’ve gleaned, thus far, from the book is that I have to take control over my thoughts.  If you take a step back and think about it, worry is irrational.  Thinking about things doesn’t make them better.  It only reduces the quality of your life.  Jesus told us this in Matthew 6:25-27:

²⁵“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

Right now, I have an opportunity.  I can worry about something over which I have no control, get an ulcer, lose sleep and be miserable.  Or I can understand that there are some things that I, even I, cannot control.

I’m working on my worry.  I refuse to spend the better part of the next couple of days worrying about things that I cannot change.  The only thing that I can control is what goes on in my head and the way that I react to external circumstances.

Pray for me.  Or wish me luck.  I need it

One of things that I love about the Bible is that it paints a picture of what is.  Yes, there are a bunch of “thou shalt not’s” but there are also pictures of what to do.

Tonight as I am sitting here, 1 Corinthians 13 comes to my mind.

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  ⁸Love never fails.

If I’m honest with myself, I’m not always good at love.  My love is not always patient or kind.  It is, at times, envious.

I am a work in progress.  I wish I learned by studying, but I don’t.  I learn experientially.

The filter through which I give and accept love has to be 1 Corinthians 13.  Otherwise, is it really worth giving or receiving?

It’s really easy to complain when things go poorly…to find fault in the little things that don’t go the way that you want them to go.  I’m actually the queen of that mindset.

I have become a raving fan of my insurance company…that little Gecko and the pile of money with eyes…they’ve won my loyalty.

Last week, I was in an accident.  One of the most traumatizing experiences of my life showed me some of the best customer service I’ve ever experienced.

Before the tow truck picked me up, my insurance company had arranged a place for my car to be serviced less than 5 miles from where I work.  My insurance adjusted kept a constant line of communication open with me, keeping me from crying my eyes out, letting me know that my repair bill would be $200 more because of an aestethic part of my car that they didn’t know they needed to order.

My car was supposed to take 9 business days to repair.  Instead, it took 4.  FIVE DAYS AHEAD OF SCHEDULE.

When I picked up my car today, FIVE DAYS AHEAD OF SCHEDULE, they had detailed my car.  My car is cleaner than it has been since I bought it 2 years ago.

My insurance adjuster was waiting for me when I picked up my car.  He asked if I was okay, shook my hand, talked to me about my car.  He asked me to go into his office because he had something to give me.  The cynic in me thought, “Yup.  Here it is.  The shoe I’ve been waiting to drop on my head.”  Instead, he gave me three little gifts.  I looked at him and said, “Let me get this straight.  I crashed my car, and you’re giving me a gift?”  He smiled and said, “Yes.”

I am a customer service person.  It’s what I do, and it’s what I’ve done for most, if not all, of my adult life in one form or another.  I think I go the extra mile for my customers and patients.  But Geico blew my mind in the last week.  BLEW MY MIND.

I don’t give empty compliments.  You can ask anyone who knows me.  I cannot recommend Geico strongly enough.

I have to give my mom credit.  Sometimes, I really need her to remind me of some of the basics of my life.  Yesterday I called her frustrated with a few things, and she said to me, “Deneen, you know what’s going on.”  Funny thing is that I didn’t until she reminded me.

I was indoctrinated pretty deeply back in the day.  I have thought patterns that are completely NOT biblical that affect me on a daily basis.  I don’t know what the church is thinking.  Why teach people what they can’t do when the Bible is full of things you CAN do?  People respond to positive reinforcement.  It’s a pretty basic thing.  If you compliment what people do well, add value to their lives, then their overall performance will improve.

This morning, I work up and reminded myself that my identity is not found in what I do.  It is found in something much greater than I am.

There are scriptures that I lean on during different times in my life.  Right now, my scripture of the month is Psalm 91.  I hate to admit this, but I forgot about this scripture because life was going well.  I remember the first time someone had me read that Psalm.  It was during a similar time in my life.  I love the NKJV…(courtesty of biblegateway.com)…of this scripture.  Read and absorb.

¹ He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
² I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress;
My God, in Him I will trust.”

³ Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler^[a]
And from the perilous pestilence.
⁴ He shall cover you with His feathers,
And under His wings you shall take refuge;
His truth shall be your shield and buckler.
⁵ You shall not be afraid of the terror by night,
Nor of the arrow that flies by day,
⁶ Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness,
Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.

⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
And ten thousand at your right hand;
But it shall not come near you.
⁸ Only with your eyes shall you look,
And see the reward of the wicked.

⁹ Because you have made the LORD, who is my refuge,
Even the Most High, your dwelling place,
¹⁰ No evil shall befall you,
Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling;
¹¹ For He shall give His angels charge over you,
To keep you in all your ways.
¹² In their hands they shall bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.
¹³ You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra,
The young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot.

¹⁴ “Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him;
I will set him on high, because he has known My name.
¹⁵ He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will deliver him and honor him.
¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him,
And show him My salvation.”